rl41

Hey guys,
So, here goes...
Tried many times to quit but failed each time, but something has to change. It's 3am here in the UK, had my last drink last night about 9pm. I don't know something just feels slightly different this time. May go to docs later for some sleep meds although although awake at 3am I do feel at ease. Can't go to docs and tell them the truth as will jeopardise my job and if I loose that I'm in trouble big time. Worked very hard to get where I am so can't just give it all up.
I've got so much to live for it's untrue, perfect guy in my life now (although he doesn't know about the drinking and this hurts so much I'm lying to him) good job with possibility of permanent position on the horizon and lovely supportive family. Yet I chose a few glasses of vodka and blacking out every night over all this, crazy right?
I've got things planned for the next couple of evenings but on the other hand think just being at home would be best? Whenever I do this and just stay in I can never be bothered to go back out again for alcohol so it feels 'safe' but then being busy feels okay but always worried I'll call at the store 'as I'm going past'. I did try to give it up yesterday but was all too easy to stop by the store. Going to find a new way home tonight.
So today, 24/3/15 something has to and feels to have changed. How's everyone else doing?

Komplex

Hi rl41! Day one for me. I understand the moment when you realize - something has to change. Funny, I've known it for years, but haven't been ready to act on it until now. We can do this!!

rl41

I know I have too, yes we can!!

rl41

Anyone find staying in better than going out? Feel lonely when I'm on my own however there's more opportunity (or should I say temptation) when I'm out?

FeelingGreat

rl41, you're ready in your mind, and that's essential, but you may need a plan for when cravings or old habits strike.

Try to avoid situations where there is alcohol for the first few months. If this means staying in, it's worth it.
Don't let yourself get too hungry or thirsty.
Get your BF on-board; if you don't want to tell him the full truth, just say you've decided to have some time away from A for your health. True.
Change your routine if certain times of the day like after work are triggers.
Replace alcohol with tea or similar, when you arrive home at night.
By all means talk to your doctor. Doctors love it when you stop drinking so bask in the praise.

Verte

Welcome to the forum rl41.

Regarding staying in versus going out? Stay in. However, staying away from medical help can be very dangerous. You are the most important part of every aspect of your perfect life. Please do not jeopardize your life.

The first few weeks were definitely a time of changing daily habits and routines. Drinking a lot of fizzy water. Changing the reflex of drinking. Personally needed to stay really physically active. Arranging and rearranging things. Cleaning toilets.

Again welcome...there is so much support here for you.

rl41

Thanks guys for the advice it is much appreciated, have lots going on during the day just night times/journeys home that are a trigger.

My sisters wanting to go to the gym later so will leave all money at work so I can't buy anything and may go.

It's funny in a way, feel so strong in the morning but so vulnerable in the evenings, guess I just don't like living alone.

Have had on and off trouble with eating disorders in the past and body image, drinking just always made eating feel okay. Have packed a healthy lunch for today so hopefully I'll be okay.

Thank you all so much for the messages back, they have offered so much support. I'm determined this day one will be the last day one I have to have.

Alaskachick

It may not matter whether you stay in or go out. The best thing that you can do is break your routine and discard old habits. If you feel more vulnerable when you're home alone in the evenings, SR is available 24/7 to provide support. Best of luck to you!

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Rl41

rl41

Thanks guys nice to meet you all too, feel as though I want one and you say yes to a drink later as it's the 'norm' but holding strong. Found a different drive home and sisters picking me up for the gym so will try to stay strong tonight.

I'm giving myself 40 days to stay sober then reassess, hoping I feel better after 40 days then never want to drink again but after that may have a glass of wine here and there (wine doesn't normally bother me to drink socially here and there I can take it or leave it, it's vodka that I'm never touching again.)

feeling tired too so may have an early night too

Komplex

Hi rl41! Glad you're doing well today. I'm doing good today, better than I thought. I know we can stay strong tonight.

rl41

Thanks Komex, glad to hear you are too Yes we can.

Anna

I think either can work. Staying in is good if you enjoy the time you spend with yourself - listen to music, read, watch a movie. Going out is fine too depending where you go. Go out for coffee, for a walk, to the gym, visit a sober friend, whatever works for you.

We do understand how hard this is.

rl41

Thank you Anna, it's lovely to have such supportive and nice comments

thomas11

Hi rl41, routines are hard to break, I definitely can relate to that. As others have stated, and you are already doing, try something different. I think going to the gym is great. Seems to be the #1 outlet for people trying to fill the void. If you can manage 40 days, I think reassessing is a wonderful idea. Maybe you'll want another 40. As I'm sure you are aware, even an occasional glass of wine has led some to jump back on the crazy train.

doggonecarl

You don't have a "living alone" problem. You have an alcohol problem. And it has to be addressed accordingly.

You are likely to face a whole bunch of things that are going to make you feel vulnerable and will make you think of drinking. Have a plan for them.

gettingsmarter

Nice to meet ya rl41!

Mentium

Just in passing - you mention that discussing your problem with your doctor might noty be advisable because it might jeopardise your job. Unless you are in a job where he/she is duty bound to report it - and there aren't many of those - confidentiality is built into the relationship. If you need medical help don't hesitate!

..oh - and welcome!

Berrybean

Hi - and welcome to Sobriety

One of the first (and most important things0 I learned when I first set foot in an AA meeting is the importance of watching for triggers (HALT)
Hunger
Anger
Loneliness
Tired

If breaking old evening routines and being lonely are likely to be one of the problems for you, I would strongly suggest finding out about some of the AA meetings local to you and getting yourself to a few of them. I thought that AA was just for stinky old men and weird people, but (thankfully) I've found them to be full of amazing women and men who have really helped me to learn how to Live Sober(now that's a book I'd recommend!!) beyond putting down the drink.

Good luck. x

TroyW

Welcome rl41! Hope it goes well, and keep us updated on how you're doing.