Stubbs16

Thanks everyone for taking time to give me your thoughts.
Anna, I do have to live here for financial reasons, that's the ONLY reason I'm still here.
I don't feel I'm making excuses for my drinking, but it certainly is a BIG factor in the big picture of trying to stay sober, and live this way.

I'm sorry I even started this thread. Nobody understands hoarding, myself included. I was honestly hoping to find some answers here, but I haven't.

biminiblue

The answers are the same for any mental illness or addictions in another person, max. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

You aren't going to be able to fix this. Unless he gets intensive therapy and unless you get a lot of physical help from a lot of people, there is no way to fix this by yourself. It is an anxiety disorder and the behavior soothes him and then becomes an obsession and then becomes too overwhelming to fix. You can't fix this.

All you can do is get help for your own issues and find a way to carve out a life for yourself.

When I left my husband, I had very little money. I didn't have a job. I didn't have any family in the area. I managed to survive without doing anything I'm ashamed of. I got a job, I paid my bills and my own rent - I never stayed with anyone rent-free, I stayed single and I didn't drink it all away. I got my own therapy by talking it out with a friend and reading self-help books, I went to church for my broken soul and learned to live in a healthy way - with no monetary help from anyone.

You can get out. The problem is your alcoholism is causing you to believe you have no options and you are refusing to see the suggestions given in this thread.

EndGameNYC

Hi Max.

Living with a compulsive hoarder is a nightmare. At the very least, their houses are no longer homes, but large storage facilities, storage lockers on a grand scale. There is literally no room to feel just okay, never mind comfortable or safe. A nightmare.

A colleague of mine lived in Long Island. At that time, I had a few patients who also lived in Long Island, and it later became problematic for me to meet with them in my office in NYC. She offered to let me use one of her two offices, attached to her house, to meet with those patients one or two days each week in return for helping her to straighten our her house. She had an exhausting schedule and twins, a boy with Asperger's Syndrome and a girl, around four years of age. Her children ran wild in the house, and she was philosophically opposed to disciplining her child, likely a result of her guilt and shame around living the way she did, as well as for her son's condition.

I was a bit skeptical at first. She's a brilliant clinician, but she was always searching for a new nanny, most of them leaving within a week. She also suffered from a severe eating disorder, which she denied and for which she refused treatment. Anyway, I went ahead with the deal.

What I saw when I first went to visit her house (I'd only previously viewed her office) was beyond anything I'd experienced with hoarders that I'd treated in my practice. I could fill pages describing the dirt, pet droppings (a dog and three cats, and several exotic birds), and a refrigerator that was more of a huge petri dish than anything else. Hoarders tend to collect just about everything, including pets and sometimes people/children. It was beyond disgusting, and cleaning it up was more like a military operation than anything else. She had a huge room in her house filled with thousands of dollars of (mostly broken and filthy) toys for her children. Wherever I cleaned up, it was returned to a filthy mess withing a couple of days. The refrigerator took me a full day, and it wasn't long before there were things living in the fridge that shouldn't have been living there. Perhaps needless to say, our little arrangement didn't last very long.

I think you asked why it is that people don't talk about hoarding enough. Well, they tend to live on their own (for reasons both obvious and not-so-obvious), and many people simply leave them at some point. There is shame involved in living with a hoarder, and within the hoarders themselves.

The bottom line is that hoarders generally don't change without a great deal of help and over a period of time. On some level, the hoarding protects them from whatever they fear, including change. It also sounds as though your husband has a great deal of control over your actions, if not also of your thinking.

I agree with others that, if nothing else, you start working on a plan to extract yourself from this hell hole. This can at least provide you with a sense that you're doing something positive about your situation and, if and when the time is right for you, that you'll be able to put your plan into action.

I truly feel for you. This isn't the time to despair, which only leads to more despair. You don't need to take care of everything right this minute, but taking small steps to get you to a better place can make more of a difference than you might imagine.

Stubbs16

Thanks everyone for caring enough to respond. I actually do feel guilty, and responsibe for my husbands problem. I also feel bad about asking for help for this. Its a never ending cycle, that I did see coming for years, and tried to talk to him about it. Then action, like cleaning and bargining. Its just not happening, and it wouldn't. Its that far gone for him. He is what he is. I need some resourses to live here, and deal with my own issues. And yes, its feeding into my own. I have to live here, for now.

I'm not trying to justify my own problems, but it really does complicate matters for me. Recovery needs to be addressed in all aspects of the addicts life. At home is where we should feel most secure. And sorry to say, I'm having a very hard time of that.

Endgame, you said what I'm feeling. I feel so overwhelmed, and I want things to be fixed, like NOW. I suppose all I can do is work on me first. Get myself together first, no matter what . I'm praying I can do this. Then later when I'm in a better place, I can figure out where to go from there. I'm so scared I won't be able to make it happen.

I really appreciate everyones input here. I wouldn't keep coming back here, if I thought different. You all are the only ones I am talking to about this issue, besides a good friend. My close family also knows the facts.I suppose a therapist would be handy too. I'm under my hubs insurance, so I have to tread carefully there.

Thanks all. I need a lot of prayers as well, if anyone wishes to. It can't hurt . Thanks again for being here for me in my dark times.

Soberwolf

Sending thoughts & prayers Maximus you always have us bud

Stubbs16

Thanks soberwolf. I know I'm not alone here. That means a lot to me. Thanks everyone.
I'm so glad I'm finally using this forum, to get my issues out there, and I'm crying for help.
Its not always roses in my posts, but if we didn't have issues, we wouldn't be here.

I truly hope someday to give a good report.

Blessings all.