Relapsed hard! :-(
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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Relapsed hard! :-(
I gave in & drank on Thursday. I was dealing with something extremely stressful that day & drank. Drank TOXIC amounts with consequences. :-( I was soooo sick all day yesterday (Friday) & today I am so depressed. I feel hopeless. I fear I will never get sober again. I had 5.5 years dammit! Why did I drink again and wake up the monster?
I have been fantasizing about suicide for the past 24 hours. I wouldn't actually do it because I would never do that to my kids but I am feeling so depressed and hopeless that I must admit I have been thinking about how nice it would be if I didn't have to feel this pain anymore.
Anyway, I have no desire to drink right now. I just hate myself so much.
Thanks for letting me vent. I talked to my sponsor about all of this yesterday but she isn't available today and I am feeling so alone. :-( I have struggling to get sober again for so long! Will I ever be able to do it again?
Need hope.
I have been fantasizing about suicide for the past 24 hours. I wouldn't actually do it because I would never do that to my kids but I am feeling so depressed and hopeless that I must admit I have been thinking about how nice it would be if I didn't have to feel this pain anymore.
Anyway, I have no desire to drink right now. I just hate myself so much.
Thanks for letting me vent. I talked to my sponsor about all of this yesterday but she isn't available today and I am feeling so alone. :-( I have struggling to get sober again for so long! Will I ever be able to do it again?
Need hope.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
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I'm sorry, Serenidad. Don't beat yourself up: today is a new day. Juswt stay focused on one day at a time--or even one minute at a time. That's all you're responsible for. Now you know that stress, no matter how severe, is not worth drinking over. The feeling you have now is worse than the stress which provoked you.
Next time you feel stress, please post here and people will talk you through. Post while you're still upset--getting it out in public can really defuse the bomb.
Next time you feel stress, please post here and people will talk you through. Post while you're still upset--getting it out in public can really defuse the bomb.
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Originally Posted by Gilmer 
I'm sorry, Serenidad. Don't beat yourself up: today is a new day. Juswt stay focused on one day at a time--or even one minute at a time. That's all you're responsible for. Now you know that stress, no matter how severe, is not worth drinking over. The feeling you have now is worse than the stress which provoked you. Next time you feel stress, please post here and people will talk you through. Post while you're still upset--getting it out in public can really defuse the bomb.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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You did post a thread on Thurs about a stressful situation coming up later that day, but then disappeared!!
I think it all comes back to using the support that is available, resources can't keep you Sober if your not using them Serenidad, in isolation good intentions and willpower would fall short for me, instead I needed support to keep me focused on the task at hand!!
Don't beat yourself up though, draw a line and go again, but change something moving forward!!
I think it all comes back to using the support that is available, resources can't keep you Sober if your not using them Serenidad, in isolation good intentions and willpower would fall short for me, instead I needed support to keep me focused on the task at hand!!
Don't beat yourself up though, draw a line and go again, but change something moving forward!!
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
My friend, first off, you are deeply loved by your family and friends. Shame and guilt are by far the most useless emotions and serve no purpose other than providing you unnecessary self penance that you think you deserve, but you do not.
Here is my take, and I've said this before, but will say it again because I believe it to my core. There are no accidents in this world, no coincidences. Nothing happens by chance. There is something that you have yet to accomplish in life, some spiritual or emotional purpose that the Universe put you here to attain. I believe that this recent lapse was necessary for you to get to that next level. It is part of your path, even if you do not see or understand why.
You are much too important to those around you to fall into the thought process that you "failed". You did not fail, you went through an experience that will ultimately propel you to even greater levels of happiness and contentment in your life.
Here is my take, and I've said this before, but will say it again because I believe it to my core. There are no accidents in this world, no coincidences. Nothing happens by chance. There is something that you have yet to accomplish in life, some spiritual or emotional purpose that the Universe put you here to attain. I believe that this recent lapse was necessary for you to get to that next level. It is part of your path, even if you do not see or understand why.
You are much too important to those around you to fall into the thought process that you "failed". You did not fail, you went through an experience that will ultimately propel you to even greater levels of happiness and contentment in your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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So, my advice here, figure out exactly what you will do next time you have a stressful situation, because you will. Plan it out, write it down and be prepared.
You can do this, Serenidad.
You can do this, Serenidad.
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight
You did post a thread on Thurs about a stressful situation coming up later that day, but then disappeared!! I think it all comes back to using the support that is available, resources can't keep you Sober if your not using them Serenidad, in isolation good intentions and willpower would fall short for me, insteadI needed support to keep me focused on the task at hand!! Don't beat yourself up though, draw a line and go again, but change something moving forward!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Serenidad - I completely understand. I had 3 yrs. once and decided to have 'a glass' of wine with a new person in my life. He didn't know I was an alcoholic & I didn't tell him. Seven years later I felt the same as you do today - yes, seven years! You came back almost right away to get back on track. I know you're sad - but you are here with us - and you learned something. When I got sober after my long time back out I treasured every sober minute - and I haven't looked back. I have over 7 yrs. sober again. You will do this. 
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Originally Posted by Bmac
My friend, first off, you are deeply loved by your family and friends. Shame and guilt are by far the most useless emotions and serve no purpose other than providing you unnecessary self penance that you think you deserve, but you do not. Here is my take, and I've said this before, but will say it again because I believe it to my core. There are no accidents in this world, no coincidences. Nothing happens by chance. There is something that you have yet to accomplish in life, some spiritual or emotional purpose that the Universe put you here to attain. I believe that this recent lapse was necessary for you to get to that next level. It is part of your path, even if you do not see or understand why. You are much too important to those around you to fall into the thought process that you "failed". You did not fail, you went through an experience that will ultimately propel you to even greater levels of happiness and contentment in your life.
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Originally Posted by Anna
So, my advice here, figure out exactly what you will do next time you have a stressful situation, because you will. Plan it out, write it down and be prepared. You can do this, Serenidad.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Serenidad,
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. But you made it 5.5 years before, you can do it again! Some of the best advice I have ever been given after relapsing is that even though you relapsed this time, maybe you'll make it twice as long until the next time, and then double that amount of time after that, etc. I know the idea isn't to relapse ever but that advice made me realize I could use the incident as a learning experience and be hopeful for how much longer I'll make it until next time rather than think about how much sober time I gave up.
Try to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and you're back on SR so you're back on track. I really hope you feel better soon and I hope your stressful situation has gotten better!
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. But you made it 5.5 years before, you can do it again! Some of the best advice I have ever been given after relapsing is that even though you relapsed this time, maybe you'll make it twice as long until the next time, and then double that amount of time after that, etc. I know the idea isn't to relapse ever but that advice made me realize I could use the incident as a learning experience and be hopeful for how much longer I'll make it until next time rather than think about how much sober time I gave up.
Try to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and you're back on SR so you're back on track. I really hope you feel better soon and I hope your stressful situation has gotten better!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by Serenidad
I DID post on Thursday & drank anyway. I'm such an idiot. My self-hatred is so strong I can't even look in the mirror. I'm utterly horrified by my actions & embarrassed to post here b/c despite all of your help, I drank the poison anyway. I'm sorry. :-(
Before the event, you posted, which is great but then once the stress after the event started creeping in, that then would have been time for another post and utilise some support!!
Don't beat yourself up that you posted before you drank, because prior to the stress kicking in is different from being in the stressful moment and feeling like drinking, that's the time to reach out for some extra support.
That I think may be something to build into your plan for the next time!!
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
Serenidad - I completely understand. I had 3 yrs. once and decided to have 'a glass' of wine with a new person in my life. He didn't know I was an alcoholic & I didn't tell him. Seven years later I felt the same as you do today - yes, seven years! You came back almost right away to get back on track. I know you're sad - but you are here with us - and you learned something. When I got sober after my long time back out I treasured every sober minute - and I haven't looked back. I have over 7 yrs. sober again. You will do this.
The thing is...I'm not really sure I even truly believed I was a REAL alcoholic during those 5.5 years of sobriety. I think I thought I just had a "problem". I drank again and now I KNOW I'm an alcoholic! So now I just need to crawl out of this darkness.
It gives me hope that you were able to get sober again. I just pray that I NEVER forget the way I feel right now!
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Originally Posted by Kafkaesque
Serenidad, I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. But you made it 5.5 years before, you can do it again! Some of the best advice I have ever been given after relapsing is that even though you relapsed this time, maybe you'll make it twice as long until the next time, and then double that amount of time after that, etc. I know the idea isn't to relapse ever but that advice made me realize I could use the incident as a learning experience and be hopeful for how much longer I'll make it until next time rather than think about how much sober time I gave up. Try to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and you're back on SR so you're back on track. I really hope you feel better soon and I hope your stressful situation has gotten better!
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight
Yeah but I would split the 2 moments out, before and after the event, and here I'm talking about the stressful event and not the drinking event. Before the event, you posted, which is great but then once the stress after the event started creeping in, that then would have been time for another post and utilise some support!! Don't beat yourself up that you posted before you drank, because prior to the stress kicking in is different from being in the stressful moment and feeling like drinking, that's the time to reach out for some extra support. That I think may be something to build into your plan for the next time!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Serenidad.
Sorry to hear about your recent struggles.
You've commented before about past trauma and the resulting serious mental health issues with which you've struggled, and I was never clear whether or not or to what extent you've attended to these.
Many people here on SR have reported not seeking treatment for mental health issues for a variety of reasons (rationalizations), and then continued to struggle with alcohol, exacerbating their emotional struggles and often inflicting serious damage on themselves and their lives. Many have just disappeared. I've witnessed this in my own life as well.
I don't think that you would disagree with me when I say that things have only gotten worse for you recently and not better. Ongoing depression and suicidal fantasies are nontrivial matters. Immediate attention from trained professionals may provide you with the relief you need. It doesn't matter how successful or not your previous experiences have been in this regard. You're at a much different place right now, and nothing else seems to be helping in any consistent way.
I hope you find the help you need.
Sorry to hear about your recent struggles.
You've commented before about past trauma and the resulting serious mental health issues with which you've struggled, and I was never clear whether or not or to what extent you've attended to these.
Many people here on SR have reported not seeking treatment for mental health issues for a variety of reasons (rationalizations), and then continued to struggle with alcohol, exacerbating their emotional struggles and often inflicting serious damage on themselves and their lives. Many have just disappeared. I've witnessed this in my own life as well.
I don't think that you would disagree with me when I say that things have only gotten worse for you recently and not better. Ongoing depression and suicidal fantasies are nontrivial matters. Immediate attention from trained professionals may provide you with the relief you need. It doesn't matter how successful or not your previous experiences have been in this regard. You're at a much different place right now, and nothing else seems to be helping in any consistent way.
I hope you find the help you need.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
There's some great advice here Serenidad.
I think in the end it comes down to committing to putting more work into not drinking than drinking.
If stress is a problem there are other healthier ways to deal with stress - if you haven't explore that area I think it may really help
D
I think in the end it comes down to committing to putting more work into not drinking than drinking.
If stress is a problem there are other healthier ways to deal with stress - if you haven't explore that area I think it may really help
D
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
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For sure you can get sober again...many of us had years behind us, drank, and are now sober again. I was sober 13, drank for 8 and now have over two years sober. I hope you can figure out what led to the relapse and find a plan when stress walks in to your life again. Glad you are back so fast!!
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