Jupiters

you can still close the door. actually, slam that sh1t. and lock it up.

Dave36

I've tried benzos and ssris. The antidepressants either made things worse or made me completely emotionally numb. The Xanax just gave me a wonderful hangover cure. I was doing good until a week ago and I just started craving again and didn't know how to deal with it. 73 days was the longest I've been sober in 15 years. I get further every time

alphaomega

I played the benzo hangover cure, as I'm sure many of us did.

How long did you try the AD's for ? And did you drink while taking them ?

Dave36

About 6 weeks. It was working by then. I didn't like the effects. There has to be a middle ground between feeling better and feeling nothing. I was on Zoloft and I felt nothing. I mean I was emotionless.

Dave36

That was after my first detox and I was sober while on the meds

Jupiters

That was my experience as well with Zoloft and Effexor. I was totally void of ANY emotion. Sadness or happiness. I felt like someone stole my "emotion chip"
I had my Dr. take me off them b/c I wasn't willing to go through life feeling like that. As much as being sad sucks, I'm not willing to sacrifice feeling happy to never feel sad. I totally understand how you feel in that.

Please, don't drink for the rest of the week though. It's just going to compound everything you're already feeling dave.

dwtbd

I get further every time

There is no end to the amount of the 'further', when you stop the 'times'. It is much easier , hell call it a cop out if you want, much easier to just be a nondrinker and stop being a drinker who can 'get further' 'everytime'.
You got this , giant bandaid rip it off! one pull!

alphaomega

You know sometimes you have to try more than one.

And you have to give it time. Sometimes months.

Lexapro has a very minute side effect profile. And whatever side effects I am actually having, they are far and few between in comparison to the hell of chronic, constant, anxiety. Not to mention, it helps with depression, which I never knew I had, until I started to feel what life was like without it.

I'm still able to laugh, cry, and feel. It's just different. I don't feel like I'm dying 24/7.

The alcohol will work, you know that. For a while. But then, whoa nelly, that anxiety comes back with such a vengeance it's like a wild stallion. And all you can do is try to ride it without it bucking you off.

So today is a wash. Fine. Theres a tomorrow. And you can minimize the agony you will have to face if you just opt out now.

Pulling for you Dave.

Dave36

I know this is stupid guys. But I'm doing it anyway. When I'm a few weeks sober I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. There's a hole that only alcohol fills and I'm apearently not filling it. I truly can't explain why I'm drinking again

alphaomega

Well I guess that seals the deal then doesn't it ?

At the end (or beginning) of every day sobriety is a choice.

Until it no longer is.

Hoping for a sublimely smooth transition back for you Dave. Anxiety is a living hell, I know all too well. And PAWS has flung me off track more times then I will ever care to admit.

Be well.

Jupiters

ahhh dave.

Hawks

No price has been paid....... You just stopped drinking.

For a select few, stopping drinking is all that needs doing.

For the majority of us, that is just the beginning.

You don't get a new house, by simply demolishing an old one......... Right?

Recovery means work, not just hopping on the wagon and sitting on your bum.

Take action, building a new house / life.

Until you do, sobriety remains precarious.

Which you've just found out the hard way.

The hole needs filling and fixing.

Hawks

I should add, heart Palpitations are a sign of physical addiction.

You should get medical help to withdraw.

It's serious stuff physical alcohol withdrawal.

thomas11

Sorry you to hear about your decision, but you are an adult and of course we can't make you do anything. But I think you're situation is validation that alcoholics can't just put it down. Too many bad things going on and its easier to just ride the wave.

This sounds ridiculous, but if at all possible while you are drinking, try to exercise discipline and be conscientious of what you are doing, and how much you are drinking. It might help the comedown.

Sorry to say this, but I think some "yukky" days lie ahead (I believe yukky is the scientific term).

Dave36

Yeah I'm very familiar with yucky. I used to go all in on days before I was gonna quit. That's a mistake because it makes it way harder to deal with. It's better it ease off a bender for a softer landing.

brynn

Dave, I'm really sorry to hear this.
You're making a conscious decision to perpetuate the cycle and it's really sad to see.
I hope you're able to put the brakes on this before it's too late.

Jillian2563

A man who gives into temptation within the first minute will never know what it like to resist temptation for 100 minutes or longer.

Dave36

That's probably true. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but my 2 and half months was pretty brutal. I sometimes think it's too late for me. I've made permanent changes to my brain by drinking for however many years. I'm not even sure anymore. 15 for sure of everyday drinking.

Dave36

Oh well. Enough of my pity party.

Jillian2563

It's never too late. You can start healing again now and live a longer life. But if you continue the road to drinking, your days are numbered 😔