Re-learning how to socialize?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Re-learning how to socialize?
I've been sober for over two hundred days now, and have struggled with socializing almost every one of those days.
I suppose I've always been a socially anxious person but only recently realized it as an actual condition that I have. (I assumed everyone felt the way I did, apparently not!) This social anxiousness was definitely the reason I started drinking in college. I drank for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that I've never felt like I fit in with others. When I drank I fit in and was fun. (Or at least that's the way it appeared to my drunken self, whether it's true or not is a whole other thing).
But now...It's like some part of me has switched off, socially, in sobriety. I now struggle to think of things to say and questions to ask people. Sometimes I even struggle with speaking - mixing up words or mispronounce things that I never did in the past. I have to interact with the public at my job all the time and even little exchanges can be difficult for me. It often feels like things are worse than they were before I started drinking.
Since I dealt with my social anxiety by drinking in the past, did I perhaps never actually get to know how it functioned till now? Is this something I have to re-learn in sobriety - part of building "sober muscles"?
Has this happened to you? Does it get better or at least different? I'm trying to make friends post-college and it sucks. I know building relationships will really help me maintain sobriety, but how do you do that when the socializing itself is the trigger for drinking? My AV is definitely connecting socializing well with drinking and that scares me. Any input is greatly appreciated.
I suppose I've always been a socially anxious person but only recently realized it as an actual condition that I have. (I assumed everyone felt the way I did, apparently not!) This social anxiousness was definitely the reason I started drinking in college. I drank for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that I've never felt like I fit in with others. When I drank I fit in and was fun. (Or at least that's the way it appeared to my drunken self, whether it's true or not is a whole other thing).
But now...It's like some part of me has switched off, socially, in sobriety. I now struggle to think of things to say and questions to ask people. Sometimes I even struggle with speaking - mixing up words or mispronounce things that I never did in the past. I have to interact with the public at my job all the time and even little exchanges can be difficult for me. It often feels like things are worse than they were before I started drinking.
Since I dealt with my social anxiety by drinking in the past, did I perhaps never actually get to know how it functioned till now? Is this something I have to re-learn in sobriety - part of building "sober muscles"?
Has this happened to you? Does it get better or at least different? I'm trying to make friends post-college and it sucks. I know building relationships will really help me maintain sobriety, but how do you do that when the socializing itself is the trigger for drinking? My AV is definitely connecting socializing well with drinking and that scares me. Any input is greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
May I make a suggestion of perhaps joining a group like Toastmasters? Just coming to grips with speaking in public will build your confidence tremendously. It is a friendly, social setting where you can hone your skills and work on any areas of weakness when it comes to interacting with others. It can even help you with your responsibilities at work.
Good for you on your sober time!
I just realized the irony of telling a sober person to join Toastmasters..... but they don't really toast. They just talk.
Facepalm.
Good for you on your sober time!
I just realized the irony of telling a sober person to join Toastmasters..... but they don't really toast. They just talk.
Facepalm.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi DoubleFelix. I definitely held myself back socially by getting numb to face certain situations. I hadn't matured normally - and it took awhile to make up for lost time. I got there though.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi doublefelix 
I started small - I did some volunteering, I caught up with old friends, I made myself pass the time of day with neighbours.
I got as good as I'm ever going to get. Part of my recovery was learning to accept who I am - I'm pretty shy, I don;t like crowds and I'm quiet.
My entire drinking career could be seen as an attempt by me to be something I'm not.
I'm me - and I'm pretty good at it. There's noone else like me. When you reach that point of (meagre) enlightenment I found that people were attracted to me, for me.
I'm sure you'll find that too if you just be yourself, and be ok with that
D
I started small - I did some volunteering, I caught up with old friends, I made myself pass the time of day with neighbours.
I got as good as I'm ever going to get. Part of my recovery was learning to accept who I am - I'm pretty shy, I don;t like crowds and I'm quiet.
My entire drinking career could be seen as an attempt by me to be something I'm not.
I'm me - and I'm pretty good at it. There's noone else like me. When you reach that point of (meagre) enlightenment I found that people were attracted to me, for me.
I'm sure you'll find that too if you just be yourself, and be ok with that
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Volunteering is a great way to meet people and give something to your community. Visit the people in a nursing home. It will do you both good. Volunteer to walk dogs at the local shelter. There are lots of things you can do to help yourself and others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 33
hi double felix!
so, i feel like i could've written your post, word-for-word. i am having the same exact problem. i started therapy shortly after i stopped drinking, which is where i realized my social anxiety issue. i got a book from amazon called the "shyness and social anxiety workbook." i've found that keeping on top of that and my therapy appointments is beginning to help. try looking up something like this and maybe give it a go!
so, i feel like i could've written your post, word-for-word. i am having the same exact problem. i started therapy shortly after i stopped drinking, which is where i realized my social anxiety issue. i got a book from amazon called the "shyness and social anxiety workbook." i've found that keeping on top of that and my therapy appointments is beginning to help. try looking up something like this and maybe give it a go!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I believe a lot of social anxiety comes from the ego talking, that inner critic saying things like
"that was a stupid thing I said"
"why did I say that?"
"is my fly open?"
"are they looking at me?"
"are they laughing at me?"
"look at what she's wearing"
etc..
This is usually the result of our childhood conditioning.. perhaps an early embarrassment, schoolyard humiliation, or overly critical parents, so that voice gets replayed in our head. Frequently the inner voice takes much of our concentration and focus away from the other person, so we aren't listening to what they're saying, or perhaps diminishes our focus when addressing a group. Both of course are detrimental.
I found Tolle's book, A New Earth, as well as Awareness, by Anthony DeMello, to be very helpful in understanding the ego and how it talks to us, compares us to others, creates distance, and puts the focus on ourselves. Once I understood that I realized much of that stuff it says doesn't matter, only what the other person is saying, or needs.
I'm actually living in a country right now, the Philippines, where people love to laugh and have fun, but rarely seem to be self-conscious, or embarrassed. For the most part, they seem to be comfortable laughing at themselves, and do not have the active, critical egos of us westerners.
"that was a stupid thing I said"
"why did I say that?"
"is my fly open?"
"are they looking at me?"
"are they laughing at me?"
"look at what she's wearing"
etc..
This is usually the result of our childhood conditioning.. perhaps an early embarrassment, schoolyard humiliation, or overly critical parents, so that voice gets replayed in our head. Frequently the inner voice takes much of our concentration and focus away from the other person, so we aren't listening to what they're saying, or perhaps diminishes our focus when addressing a group. Both of course are detrimental.
I found Tolle's book, A New Earth, as well as Awareness, by Anthony DeMello, to be very helpful in understanding the ego and how it talks to us, compares us to others, creates distance, and puts the focus on ourselves. Once I understood that I realized much of that stuff it says doesn't matter, only what the other person is saying, or needs.
I'm actually living in a country right now, the Philippines, where people love to laugh and have fun, but rarely seem to be self-conscious, or embarrassed. For the most part, they seem to be comfortable laughing at themselves, and do not have the active, critical egos of us westerners.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I have come to learn that I simply don't talk as much now that I don't drink. Gone are the dats of three hour phones conversations, shrieking with laughter and talking about nonsense.
Also gone are the days (jeez, hadn't thought of this in awhile) of chatting up new BFFs randomly because I'm drinking. I used to find an immediate (and ridiculous) bond with people when I was drinking. Jesus, this is weird to think back on. I was like an open book when I drank. I'm much more reserved now.
I don't know, for me I'm just a little more reserved now and choose my words more carefully. I guess I'm not quite as zany as I used to be.
It's just a new, more adult way of socializing.
Also gone are the days (jeez, hadn't thought of this in awhile) of chatting up new BFFs randomly because I'm drinking. I used to find an immediate (and ridiculous) bond with people when I was drinking. Jesus, this is weird to think back on. I was like an open book when I drank. I'm much more reserved now.
I don't know, for me I'm just a little more reserved now and choose my words more carefully. I guess I'm not quite as zany as I used to be.
It's just a new, more adult way of socializing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I think many of us have a problem with silence, and feel awkward if nothing is said for a few moments. When we drink it's easier to have idle conversation, and fill in the gaps. But it's okay to not say anything. To just be in the presence of another person and not feel obligated to speak is fine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by advbike 
I think many of us have a problem with silence, and feel awkward if nothing is said for a few moments. When we drink it's easier to have idle conversation, and fill in the gaps. But it's okay to not say anything. To just be in the presence of another person and not feel obligated to speak is fine.
The idle conversations are difficult now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me I had to relearn how to have conversation, the talking and the silences equally without alcohol, being so used to having alcohol, taking that away, naturally it's going to take time to adjust, I needed to relearn old skills that had went to the way side!!
Hang in there, with more practice, those skills can be sharpened!!
Hang in there, with more practice, those skills can be sharpened!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
I know what it's like to feel alone in a room full of people as well. It's probably pretty common in addicts. One thing I notice is that I am either very arms length with people or very close. Not much in between. I am working on this issue as well so I don't have any experience to help. Congrats on 200 days. We are at about the same point in the journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia, USA
Posts: 245
Thanks so much for these responses, everyone. You've all given me much to reflect on. It's really comforting to know that I'm not alone in this.
Kg1015 - I have a workbook like that! It's been collecting dust for years, should really crack it open for once - thanks for the reminder.
advbike - Yeah, my inner voice is definitely critical and relentless. I'll look for that book, thanks. Do you find that being in a different country changes how you relate to yourself/others?
MelindaFlowers - Yes, I use to make "friends" (in bars at 1am) as well. That was really an empty exercise - I always left feeling lonelier than ever. Sorta proves that not all kinds of communicating/relating are created equal, huh? Comfort with silence and carefully chosen words as "a new, more adult way of socializing" is a really helpful reframe, thank you.
Dee - I'm gonna print out you wrote out and read it often. (How do you do it??)
I took what many of you suggested to heart and looked up some volunteer opportunities and found two that seem promising. I start one tomorrow. I'll let y'all know now it goes.
Kg1015 - I have a workbook like that! It's been collecting dust for years, should really crack it open for once - thanks for the reminder.
advbike - Yeah, my inner voice is definitely critical and relentless. I'll look for that book, thanks. Do you find that being in a different country changes how you relate to yourself/others?
MelindaFlowers - Yes, I use to make "friends" (in bars at 1am) as well. That was really an empty exercise - I always left feeling lonelier than ever. Sorta proves that not all kinds of communicating/relating are created equal, huh? Comfort with silence and carefully chosen words as "a new, more adult way of socializing" is a really helpful reframe, thank you.
Dee - I'm gonna print out you wrote out and read it often. (How do you do it??)
I took what many of you suggested to heart and looked up some volunteer opportunities and found two that seem promising. I start one tomorrow. I'll let y'all know now it goes.
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