ChristopherWest

I've been addicted to drugs for the last 5 years. During that time I have been in a relationship with someone. She did experiment with drugs for a period of time during the beggining of our relationship. But she had major issues with drugs and had a strong moral stance against them. We both grew up under the same religion, however I became inactive and had many issues with the LDS church. Our relationship has a long history of us breaking up and then getting back together. I am not sure, but it may be because we have a dependant relationship. Also because I have cheated on her a few times and she was able to forgive me, but still had issues with trust. I have suffered many concequinces due to many addictions, but it was only about two years ago that I felt it was time for me to quite and had the desire to. During that time she supported me and stuck by me. However I kept making promises that I would get clean and then I would use again. This kept putting more and more strain on our relationship. About a year ago we decided that we needed to go our seperate ways because she couldn't wait around and hope I would change. Not only clean up, but she always wanted to get married in the LDS temple and wasn't able to because we where having sex outside of marriage and because I wasn't a member nor did I have a desire to return. I was raised in a very active LDS household as well as my whole extended family and freinds families. The standards where very strict, expecually in my house and I wanted to see what else the world has to offer besides that lifestyle. Well a few weeks after breaking up we found out she was pregnant and that kind of threw everything out the window. She no longer could get married in the temple anyways and we where both raised in a household where we should do everything to give a child a family in that situation. At that point I was determined to quite smoking pot and get out of that lifestyle for my kids sake and for mine(I suffer from depression and the drugs only made it worse.) So we decided to get married because we felt it was the right thing to do. She agreed to respect my decision to not to be involved with the church along as I respected her decision to go to church and respect each others beliefs. She also threw her idea out of getting married in the temple because she thought that giving the child a family was more important. I also still smoked ciggarets, drank coffee, and alchohol, and she was fine with it as long as it didn't get out of control. I was able to stay clean off of drugs for a while, but after a while after time passed I relapsed and started using again. The whole time however I didn't tell her. As concequince our relationship began to suffer and we began to grow distant. Our relationship was really good up to that point, we both really love each other and got along really good, and rarely fought. once the baby was born however things started to change. We are both really young(20) and had a really hard time ajusting. I had a hard time with growing up so fast and started using more and more as a way to hold onto my youth and just got really scared. She started feeling like she gave up on herself and was depressed because she wanted to get married in the temple and have a quite suburban LDS life and she wasn't getting it. I still wanted to party and wasn't ready to settle down and wasn't ready to go back to the church. Our marraige started to deteriate after that because we had a hard time talking about our problems in fear of hurting the other. Finaly it pinicaled after I came back from a camping trip in which I had used heavily and I admitted it to her and we started talking about divorse. We agreed to try to work it out for a while, but I wasn't willing to live the lifestyle she wanted. So she now left me and she wants to get a divorse. She's been gone for about a month now and we are still wondering what to do. I am willing to go to AA or NA and quite smoking ciggarets, drinking, and go to church with her for 6 months and see if it would work because I love her and my family too much to not try. I do want to quite smoking anyways and I although I only drink maybe twice a month I shouldn't drink at all because I am at serious risk of becoming an alchoholic down the road. I have also been ignoring dealing with the issues I have with the church for a long time and feel that I may feel alot better dealing with them finaly. Also I think maybe it would help me deal with my addictions by asking help from God. However I am deeply confused on wether I want to do this just for my marraige or for myself. I know that if we did get divorsed I wouldn't do it, or atleast not at this point in my life. I can give up the drugs because they just cause more problems then they fix, but I don't think I can give up drinking and I definatly wouldn't go back to the church on my own. She wants to stay married with me for who I am and not what she wants me to be and now she doesn't even want to try to work on our marraige. She feels intuitivly that we need to seperate, and I felt like it too. Well atleast I thought I did. I don't know if was just my addictive voice trying to stop me from getting completely sober. I really need help too and I wouldn't be willing to seek it unless the most important thing to me(my family) was threatened to be taken away. So I do think she really did need to leave, but I don't know if divorse is the answer. I feel like we should give it a try, but I don't know whether I feel that way because of intuitive reasons, or because I'm afraid of being alone and can't handle the pain of the divorse. I am really reluctant because I've told her I would change so many times and started dowm the path, but started using again once things got comfortable and I can't trust myself enough to follow through. But I don't want to make the mistake and turn my back on a life that could make me really happy because I believe the key to happiness is love. I know that if I go down the party lifestyle route that once I'm older and ready to settle down I'll end up wanting that kind of life with her and smack myself for not sticking with it. At the same time I'm concerned I'm dependant on her and the relationship is unhealthy anyways. I don't know whether getting myself clean for someone else would be sincere and lasting. I do want to get clean, but fear I am not strong enouph on my own to do it without the motivation of my wife and kid. I'm just really lost as of what I should do?

Anna

Hi Christopher,

Welcome to SR. I'm Anna, an alcoholic and I've been sober for a few years. In my opinion you have to stop using drugs for yourself. Certainly your wife and child can be a strong motivator for you, in that you want your family life to remain intact. But, ultimately I think you have to want to do it for yourself. I think it's too hard a job to do if you aren't totally motivated.

Read around the board and you'll get lots of opinions.

Love, Anna

Moontime

Welcome!! The first and major point for me in surrendering was to realize that alcohol is a drug. Anytime I try and seperate that, I get the samething I always received. Keep Coming Back!

pinkie

ok so heres a story for you all at the age of 15 i got drawed into a world of drugs....not just any thou the killer..ecstacy. i dunno y i did it i was just a atracted to the danger the thrill the crowd everyhtink that whent with it. evey weekend i longed for it...not because i was atticted but i longed for the feeling it gave me that feeling of loving everyone and everythink that feeling of not careing, as thou everythnk was ok i didnt have a trouble in the world! i wasnt till i became the only one out of a group of 7girls whoo constantly wanted a pill...did i realise how bad this thrill had reallygotten...so i walked away...i ent gonna lie it was easy... n it would have been so simple to fall back in2 old ways but i was determited! i wont lie theres still days i go to a rave or a club and i want one...i want to feel that buzz again i belive me i get so close to haveing it in my hand!! on my 18th bday i got offered it every 5 mins and belive me it was hard to turn it down it would have made y bday complete...but i ent touched them for over 2 yrs now i dunno what effet thed have on me it would probley blow my head off!! i wont lie to you i have other drugs sience like cocaine witch i know ur thinking at the the ae of 18 and so much going 4 me is stupid as its hihgly addictive and it is..i always want more...but now i know when to stop!!! its not hard you just gotta want to dop it deep down in your heart!

3legacy

(((((((((Christopher))))))))))
I grew up in Southern Idaho where you were either a good Morman, a "Jack Morman", a drunk, or another outcast in the Community. My father was jack, my mom a Lutheran, and my siblings and I were ............. confused to say the least. Glad your looking for some help here in SR. Today I am a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

3 Leg a See

usatoday

Hi Chris,
It sounds like you and your wife have been together basically since teenage years under strict rule. Neither one of you sounds like you've had a chance to grow as independent beings. Maybe it's time to quit using drugs of any type, focus on your responsibility as father and husband, and develop some long-term goals for you and your family. You don't say who's supporting you financially through all of the turmoil or if you have a job. Are there people in your life who are enabling your addiction? Sometimes a change of scenery is healthy for a relationship. I do applaud you for your love of family life, and now it's time for you and your family to start your own traditions.
After you quit using drugs, the other parts of your life will become clearer to you and a lot of your other bad habits will fall away. Give sobriety a chance. You'll be surprised at the change in yourself. You can do it! There's a lot of love and support here at SR by wonderful caring people who really want to see you succeed. Maybe you can start by calling your local AA chapter and see if you can make a meeting.