wendy2304

Hi I'm new to this and would really appreciate advice. I was with my ex partner for 12yrs and I have 3 children 2 of which are ex partners. Our relationship was good for a while and then I began to notice his drinking was causing trouble for us with DUI's and staying out all night to drink and coming home extremely drunk. Any time I made him leave because of his drinking he would just go on benders and cheat and then beg me to get back with him and promise to sort his drinking out, which never lasted too long. He went from drinking weekends to daily. He always said it helped him unwind from a stressful job. I only realised the extent of his drinking when I found empty beer cans hid around various part of the house and realised he had been lying about how much he had been drinking on a nightly bases. I decided that was the last straw and threw him out. That was a year ago and since then he has been hounding me to give us another go and was promising to go get help etc he only went to one meeting and drank straight after. I told him until he is in recovery we won't ever be together. The problem I'm having now is he has met someone else and is no longer in contact with me or our children and I am so hurt by this. I know he is obviously happy in his addiction and doesn't want help but it has made me feel worthless and my self esteem is so low now. Where we not worth it? Did he ever love us? Why can't I see this as a blessing and a chance for a better future? Why? Why? Why? Loads of questions with no answers. I know I could not ask him as he lies about everything even petty lies with no reason. Is this normal after a year or should I be over him?

Esspee

Hi Wendy, welcome to the forum

There is a great friends and family part fo the forum where you will be able to get loads of good advice.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

With this being an international forum it can be quiet at some times of day so if you do not seem to get a lot of response initially please don't feel despondent. I've often gone to bed with one or two replies to a post and got up to find it's increased HUGELY overnight!

Thepatman

Welcome!

Moving on might not be easy, but I would concentrate on your children and live life. Life is too short to waste it on someone that is not willing to help themselves. Sorry you are hurting. Be kind to yourself.

Nowsthetime

You are feeling hurt because you feel "rejected". That is normal. Don't romanticize the good times, do you remember all the bad times? Feel lucky that he now has another person to haunt. Focus on you and your kids. Do you really want a man that treats you and your family like that? Do you want to teach you kids that it is ok to stay with a man that lies and cheats and who's apologies mean nothing?

I don't want to sound harsh but he will continue to walk all over you if you keep letting him. He will only change when HE is ready (if he ever comes to this point), not for you of his kids or anyone. That's just how we alchies are.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but remember that you deserve to live in peace!!!

wendy2304

Thank you so much for the replies, I am putting myself and my children first for once, that's why I didn't take him back this time. Logically I know we're so much better off away from him but unfortunately emotionally I'm not quite there. I don't understand how he can just walk away from his kids. I'm trying to not focus on him or his behaviour but it's really hard. I know in time I will be fine and proud of myself for saying no more, just wish it was today xxx

heartcore

I've heard that it takes half again as long as a relationship to be completely free of someone. So free that if you saw them holding hands with another partner, it wouldn't torment you...

That would mean that after 12 years of a relationship dance with someone, you could expect to get to a place of peace with the division fully after six years.

I don't take that to mean that you are supposed to wallow in pain as you let go, as a matter of fact, I think that you are only able to finally let go if you've changed your focus back to your own intentions and happiness.

Take your hurt and anger and use it as fuel. This is your life. The only one you get. What do you want to do with it? Do you want to be a film-maker? Get in great shape? Travel to India? Learn martial arts with your children? Move to a different house? This (being single) is the perfect time to begin the path to that dream consciously.

Take care of yourself. Make yourself happy. What works for me is to remind myself over and over that this love who "got away" is not someone who is good for me, and the next person who gets them gets all the problems too.

You are worthy of a partner that you can count on, who is putting energy into creating a fabulous shared life with you and the children. This ain't that guy.

I know that when an ex (with tumultuous love history) gets involved with someone new, it really stings. Just remember that you asked him to leave, you had the power to do that, you certainly don't want to have to go through that again. From what you describe, he has zero commitment to recovery. He has shown you that through his actions, over and over.

Someone on here has a tag line that goes sort of like: "when someone shows you their true self, believe them."

I think that is true, and that he has shown you over and over that he is not capable of keeping a commitment. Believe him.

least

Welcome to the family. I know you're hurting over his behavior. If it were me, I'd just be glad I wasn't involved in the BS anymore. Work on making your life, and your kids' lives, the best they can be - without him. The pain you feel will fade with time. You're better off without his lies and drinking.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Wendy!!

bunnezjp

From the point of view of an alcoholic in his shoes, I was in a 3 year relationship where, in the end, I loved alcohol more than him. As long as he remains active in drinking, whoever he chooses to be in a relationship with, he will always love alcohol more, more than you, more than her, etc. Until he decides to help himself, help yourself by moving on with your life, take care of your kids; I think you need each other.

Bunnez

Fly N Buy

Hi Wendy, welcome!

Have you considered or gone to any recovery yourself - Al-Anon, for example?
Might give you some tools to deal with HIS problems.

From this side of the fence, I will say that when we do get sober the family is still very ill and much of what you are experiencing is common. I know that doesn't help, but there is help available.

In addition to the newcomers forum, you might appreciate the support in the Friends and Family forum as well.

Glad you're here.....

sugarbear1

grieving the end of a 12 year relationship takes time

one year isn't very long. what are you doing to get over this? many options available now

love and hugs to you

Dee74

Hi Wendy

I'm sorry for your pain. If it helps I don't think his new partner is going to get it any better than you did and probably worse.

You'll find a lot of understanding and support here
D

wendy2304

Thank you all for your help. I am in therapy myself now and it is definitely helping me, I am working on my issues. I have also attended alanon meetings. My children are amazing and dealing with the situation so well, they give me the strength to keep moving forward. My issues are my issues that I need to look at, I've always put myself last. I'm now gonna start loving myself more. It's up to me to make myself happy and stop expecting someone else to do that. Thank you all so much for your advice, you have no idea how much it really helps. I am so delighted I joined this group as until your going through it you don't understand the insanity. It's a long road ahead for me but it's not as scary. Thanks to all of you xxx

mns1

Glad you are deciding to give yourself some love Wendy. Good to have you here!