scrappy22

I don't know if my job is the primary life-sucking force behind whatever's going on in my head lately, but it is certainly a contributor. I had a terrible shift yesterday. Part of it was the workload (I'm a cook for a very busy restaurant and my list of things to prepare was enormous). I tend to get pretty discouraged when I arrive at work to discover there's more to prepare than there is time. I've also only been in this particular position for about two months, so I'm still learning recipes and such. I have a solid work ethic and put everything I have into my work, but I do it through battles with depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and alcoholism recovery, so 'everything I have' may not be...enough? Anyway, I've worked for this company for 3 years and have a tendency to tie my worth to my work. So because of how overwhelmed I felt yesterday, I decided my life was without purpose and I had little to no value. And I wanted a drink (or several). I didn't cave to the drink-wanting, but was left with the knowledge that tying my sense of worth to what this particular job expects of me is absurd and dangerous. Still felt crappy and lost, but I understand why. Needless to say, the search for a new job is on.

The part that's unrelated to my job is harder to move away from. I live with my brother (he was evicted from his old place last April and had nowhere to go, so I agreed to get this place with him) and I hate it. I spend most of my time in my bedroom, which is a wreck. The thing that inspired me to post today was this: I have work in about 2 hours and need to do some laundry, which I'm way behind on. For some reason, I just can't bring myself to do it. I rarely can anymore. We use a laundromat (which is right across the street), but it's as if some part of me has just given up on caring about myself. All I want to do when I'm home is hide in my bedroom, watch YouTube, and sleep. I haven't been able to acknowledge how unhealthy that is until today and I feel like it's something I have to fix on my own, but that uncaring, fatigued voice makes it hard.

Anyway, thanks for the vent. I just needed to think out loud and physically see some of what's going on in my head. I hope everyone's having a positive day.

Della1968

Have you talked to anyone professionally? It sounds like depression. I have been there. Sometimes we just need a little help.

Soberwolf

Hang in there Scrappy have you got a sober plan ?

Ask if your brother & you can do it together ?

scrappy22

I haven't. My last therapist quit practicing last...September and I haven't seen anyone since. I figured I could deal with my mental shenanigans on my own since I'd been in therapy for almost 20 years, but I'm second-guessing that decision.

scrappy22

My sober plan revolves around time management and that has worked well so far. My brother is an at-home drinker (I was a bar-drinker) and the sort of person who will only change his behavior if he wants to and he comes up with the idea. I don't really care that he drinks, my issues with him are just about the sort of guy he is. Old wounds and such.

Soberwolf

Are you going mtns ? having a sober plan is things youl do to remain sober SR staff can help you write one up if you ask

Hang in there Scrappy were here for you to lean on through the tough times you can do this

scrappy22

I decided against meetings this time around. I did attend a handful of them the last time I quit drinking (so a year ago or so), but I felt like an outsider. I'm not a very talkative person, so I didn't fit in with that particular group of talkative people. And I usually don't learn from the mistakes of others. I have to make them myself, usually more than once. I have nothing against AA, but it doesn't fit me well, if that makes sense.