Frixion

Okay so I am pretty bummed. This nice older gentleman tends to organize quite a few of the AA meetings I go to, and asked me if I was going to join them on Tues night. I told him I couldn't because I have another club I go to (unrelated to AA, a club that is part of my professional life). After I had said this he kind of just invited himself to that clubs meeting! I am on day 10, I don't know this guy, and the first thing he finds out about my personal life he is trying to be a part of.



I am so upset that he would make this awkward as such. He is giving me reasons to skip AA (and trust me I don't need to fuel my AV anymore reasons) because this other club I have joined is VITAL to my career. I don't want my AA group to mix with my professional world. I feel like a terrible person, but I am a very professional, driven young lady, and I can not have anything affect my opportunities that I have busted my ass for. Even getting sober is highly fueled by my desire to succeed in life, and professionally.

I understand that he is a nice man, he has been sober for over 15 years, and it is likely he wouldn't mention AA at the other club. But this other club is so important to me I can't take any chances. I called a woman that seems to act as a sponsor for me, and she happens to be close to this guy. She spoke with him and he agreed to not go to my club, and we would just forget the convo ever happened & either of us will mention it at all to one another.

Now I feel like garbage because I only had a few ppl at my AA meeting I have built up the courage to talk with, and I feel like I lost one. He is so nice, and it may have seemed harsh to be told I didn't want him to join my other club. I just didn't know how to tell him myself because he is over the age of 50 and I am under the age of 25, and I just didn't expect him to want to join. I wish I wasn't me right now, and should have kept my big mouth shut and not reveal personal information.

Sorry if it seems like an insignificant problem, I just know that when I am this anxious sharing helps, and when my anxiety is controlled my sobriety is a lot easier to handle. Thank you for reading my rant everyone

Ludo

I don't blame you, I think it was pretty presumptuous of him to invite himself along!

You did well to get it sorted out and not stress or worry about it.

Well done, you did the right thing : )

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like a personal issue with this man rather than an AA issue. He was out of line and sounds like the organizer took care of him appropriately. Don't let a "bad apple" spoil the bunch though...glad you enjoy your group.

fini

Frixion,
the guy was entirely out of line to invite himself along, and you handled it as best you could at the time by talking to a person you trust.
it's not an AA problem, it's a "guy-who-doesn't-understand-appropriate-boundaries" problem.
doesn't matter if he's nice or not. or how old he is/you are.

congratulations on ten days, and on taking care of yourself. it gets easier, and you'll get more and more clarity on things the longer you're sober and likely not think you're a terrible person when you're taking care of yourself while someone else barges in where they have no business.

Sisterbobby

brush it off, be proud that you have set limits...

biminiblue

This is a really important thing to learn to do in life.

He was out of line, on so many levels. You recognized this and acted. You showed tremendous self-awareness and an understanding of boundaries.

You cannot change how he reacts, and it is going to be fine. You had the courage to speak up for yourself.

^^That right there is the Serenity Prayer in action

Frixion

Thank you everyone, hearing that setting boundaries was the right thing to do is making me feel less of a bad person. It makes me think about how many times I fail to set healthy boundaries, and this is quite thought provoking to me.

I absolutely agree! definitely not just a simple AA issue, but more of a (as fini puts it) a "guy-who-doesn't-understand-appropriate-boundaries" issue.

Nowsthetime

Don't worry about it. There's no shame in advocating for yourself. I also think it is wise to keep things separate. Don't feel bad or apologize for your feelings!!!

I think that you did what's best.

Soberwolf

This is exactly why its called Anonymous so you can be

it was out of line to just invite himself im glad your sponser spoke up and im glad the other person acknowledged and listened and wont do that again

Do not feel bad you done the right thing and now hopefully now this person will think twice before doing that again

Tang

Part of many addicts issues are setting social boundaries. They are healthy even if we don't like saying "no."

Jsbodhi

Thats super weird! Don't feel bad.
Some man shouldn't be following you around, I'd be pissed and creeped out.

countrygirl2014

I had some dude following me around in the beginning too. He kept trying to get me to drive him to meetings and I was uncomfortable with his approach. I talked to some others, found his sponsor, told him and the guy hasn't bothered me since. I kind of felt bad too, but I let it go. I'm not letting anyone ruin my chance at sobriety.

Jennifer

aasharon90

Staying focused on my recovery was
and still is very important to me. I
was about 8 yrs. married with 2 little
ones to make up my little family at
the time I entered recovery.

For me, I went out for coffee a few
times with other AA members or my
sponsor, and met up with folks at
all my AA meetings.

That one hour or 2 was all the free
time I gave to AA buddies. The rest
was focused on my own recovery
and family.

I didn't allow myself to get too close
to too many folks in AA over the yrs.
because I was always married and
didn't want folks to get to close
to me or into my personal space.

As soon as my 25 yr marriage ended
back a few yrs ago and I returned to
my hometown, I began going to my
old meetings again and seeing familiar
faces I had missed for 10 yrs.

As a newly separated woman, I first
focused on my new job and new life
of freedom when an itch to go out with
someone other than my ex husband
came to mind.

I did go out a few times, no problem,
but I think the dating or going from
one guy to another wasn't in the cards
for me because a man in recovery was
placed on my path to meet and that
was it. The dating scene came to an
end and after courting for several yrs.
and my divorce became final we married
on Valentine's Day.

That was 6 yrs ago the past Valentine's Day.

I stayed focused on my recovery and
the rest of my life has been placed in
my Higher Powers Hands for guidance,
strength, and care. In doing so then I
have no regrets.

kittycat3

Yes learning to be assertive is great! I've had to work on that myself. Maybe next time you'll be strong enough to say up front, no thanks I have another commitment, period. You don't have to say one more word, what your commitment is is inconsequential. And people may ask what it is, and you can repeat....I have plans. Broken record technique....usually a few rounds of that will be enough....

Joe Nerv

While I don't like passing judgement on someone I know very little about, this sounds very much like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

A guy with over 15 yrs sobriety in AA should not be inviting himself along to anything with a young woman who's only sober for 10 days. He should be introducing her to other sober women. End of story.

It's sad that this is one of your first AA encounters, but I wouldn't let that sway you from meetings. I'd advise you to stick by as many women as you can for a while, try to find some other meetings, and by all means do your best to know that he was completely out of line. Not you. Not by a longshot. I know, that knowledge might not really help the awkwardness you feel around him, but it should make it easier to sit with whatever uncomfortable feelings you might have. It's okay to be uncomfortable. We need to learn how to deal with all our feeling if we want to stay happily sober - so ya got yerself some good practice here .

If it were me and I really felt I needed to say something still... I'd say, "I apologize for the Tuesday meeting thing, but it's related to my profession and something I really need to and enjoy doing by myself." Then I'd stay away from the guy.

kittycat3

With all due respect to joes opinion, I don't think an apology is needed. You should not apologize for his attempt to strong arm his way into your life uninvited.
I wanted to follow up with...hold your head high. You can still be friendly with him. If he acts sulky or unfriendly because of this, that's on him and not you. In fact if that's how he behaves would demonstrate even more that he had less than genuine intentions. You owe him nothing!!!!

Joe Nerv

I agree.

That's just what I do sometimes to smooth things over (when perhaps I shouldn't), but for certain, no apology is necessary.

kittycat3

Yes I do that too Joe, am working on it myself.

biminiblue

Every time I try to "smooth things over" with someone who has overstepped a boundary like this - I get more of the same from them.

I find that a quick shutdown and then avoidance is my best path.

IOAA2

Hi and good job handling this situation.

This man probably had the best intentions however the “rule”, not printed out is “men for men and women for woman.” This has been around for many years and should be practiced more than it is.

I’m not saying not to have any association with the opposite sex but to be aware of “conflict of interests.”

Heck I’ll admit that I’m totally opposed to any AA relationships after years of observation, but will admit that’s not too practical.

BE WELL