livinginhope

I almost caved in today. After two months of sobriety.

A buddy was over, there is snow on the ground, and it is coming down. I have a good memory of us and a third party outside at night a couple of years ago. We were drinking beers and standing over a drum with a fire. It was snowing and we were passing a doob.

It really *is* a good memory. Most of my drinking was solitary, so when I did party with others, it was a celebratory occasion.

I was close. So close to giving up and heading to the beer store. I was sulking, thinking that I would never have any real fun again. That I could never relive those enjoyable drinking times with my bros.

I doubt that there are a lot of things anyone can tell me about the drawbacks of returning to alcohol...

Mental anguish
Physical discomfort and health problems
Money flying out the window
Negative effects at my new job
Disappointing the people I know who do care about me
The feeling of personal betrayal
Shortened life span

...and on and on.

To my friend's credit, he did his best to talk me out of it. Even though he loves to get high on weed and drink beer.

In the end it was my decision, and mine alone, that I did not succumb to the temptation.

AA isn't my thing, but I do agree with one of their biggest points. That we should not ponder the idea of never drinking again. Just today. Today I will not drink. Anything can happen tomorrow, but today is my concern.

I'm finally really feeling free of the discomfort and hell of withdrawal. Feeling something like a normal, healthy person is supposed to feel. And I wanted to throw it away for the fleeting joy of getting drunk tonight. Make no mistake, it would be a drinking bout until I was passed out. Not just a drink or three.

It's a damned shame, but I can't wait to get back to work on Monday. Weekends can be a real challenge to those in alcohol recovery.

Thanks for reading, and I wish you all strength in your own personal struggles.

Onward and upward.

trachemys

Didn't you tell yourself you would not drink?

Do you need any other reason?

livinginhope

Yeah, but there are moments of weakness.

ScottFromWI

That's just part of life. The key is working through them. Keep using SR and your other tools when you need help.

livinginhope

I made it through the day just fine. I was tempted, but who isn't sometimes? Especially in the early stages.

ScottFromWI

Absolutely. Give yourself some credit for where you are today...the early times are some of the hardest.

silentrun

That is one good friend you have. Blocking out those good times when it was fun helped me. When they would try and creep in I would counter it with how bad it was at the end. I was remembering times when I could still drink with other people and socialize and not sitting alone on the couch drunk at 10pm on a Tuesday. Relapse is not inevitable. You are doing great.

livinginhope

I think I will be all right. Every challenge we get through strengthens us, I think. I am so grateful to be sober this evening, and I am sure I will be even more so in the morning.

livinginhope

He really is. Especially when he would have loved to hang out and listen to records at my place tonight and drink and get stoned. Most people are not like that. Misery loves company, after all.

FreeOwl

"Mental anguish
Physical discomfort and health problems
Money flying out the window
Negative effects at my new job
Disappointing the people I know who do care about me
The feeling of personal betrayal
Shortened life span"

yep....

so glad to leave those in the rearview mirror....

I know what it feels like to sometimes feel like it'll happen again.

But I'm glad that these days those feelings pass quickly and from a good sober distance.

livinginhope

To clarify my subject heading, that is what I was thinking this afternoon. "Relapse is inevitable. Might as well go ahead and drink today". The dreaded AV whispering in my ear. It isn't what I am thinking now.

livinginhope

Hell, sometimes so many thoughts race through my mind. Contradictory ones battling with each other. Two months is a huge start, but I still have miles to go until my thoughts are clear and I am on firm mental footing.

livinginhope

You don't eradicate thirty-five years of almost nonstop nightly drinking in a couple of months.

FreeOwl

totally.... the first several months are chaotic in terms of thoughts and AV chatter.

It gets better and easier.

livinginhope

Everything is going my way right now. I recently got the best job of my life. A government job and I am working on pollution control. A great position, with good money and excellent benefits. I feel very good about the work I am doing, and everyone there likes me. Unlike at the toxic working environment I came from, I am happy and very content.

All I have to do is stay sober.

Thanks for listening to my schizophrenic babbling.

I believe that I will sleep well tonight. Today was another victory in the war against drinking.

itstheone

oh those mornings...i had such benders..point of withdrawals...what a poison!! I spent my life losing..now gaining. Even if i did drink it would be a major disappointment..,....i would continue on,,

Esspee

I think you are being harsh in yourself. Your AV had a good attempt at getting you to drink but you didn't. Nothing weak in that. Be proud of yourself.

Creekryder

Having cravings is not necessarily going to lead to relapse...unless you allow it. Remember, you are the one in control unless you turn the wheel over to the bottle. We both know where that road leads. Accept the fact that you may have several bouts of wanting to drink, but, as others have said, that's exercise for your sober muscles. Stay strong, it gets better.

Dee74

That AV will try really hard to convince you that relapses just happen, like we're helpless in the face of this ambushing juggernaught.

Drinking again doesn't just happen

At any time we always have a yes or no choice.

Even if we make a yes choice we can renege on that choice at any time and re-vote no

If you need support to be able to make the no choice, we;re always here at SR.

I'm really glad you chose 'no' livinginhope

D

NoelleR

Just a teeny tiny FYI......Although some AAer's may say just don't drink today; or just don't drink one day at a time (and I cringe every time an AAer do this), AA does NOT say this.....

Two references.......:

1) The serenity prayer says: living one day a a time (where the phrase 'one day at a tine' comes from;

2) AA says: "...if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor FOR GOOD AND ALL, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, page 181)

BTW, the all caps is mine, but 'for good and all' is just like saying 'forever.'

(o:
NoelleR