akiba

It's been going really well for me until I went up to the bar to order a sparkling water for me and a glass of wine for my wife while at a V-Day dinner/dance event with friends.

No one was there to see me and I ordered a shot of tequila. I quickly drank it and placed the empty shot glass down. Paid, picked up the water and wine glass and noticed my wife standing there.

She didn't see me do the shot but knew the empty shot glass was mine.

How stupid of a move was that? Didn't have any more and she has not brought it up. But she will Thursday night with our marriage therapist.

I really think I should be seeing a substance abuse therapist until I have some serious sobriety under my belt and her trust. Then we can work on our relationship. I go to LR meetings twice a week and am on SR just about everyday for at least an hour or more.

AnvilheadII

might be kinda helpful to steer clear of BARS?? at least for a while. as the saying goes, hang around the barber shop long enough, you're bound to get a haircut.

getting the knack of sober living takes time and practice. a sober counselor, addiction therapist, or just plain involvement in some type of recovery program would certainly be great tools for your arsenal. right now you really aren't "present" enough to give your all to marriage counseling....and I think your approach is sound. fix YOU first. hopefully you can all discuss this Thursday night!!!!

advbike

Akiba, sorry you had a slip. The important thing is to learn from it. What caused you to take a drink? Usually when we relapse, there are thoughts that precede the act. You may need more support, especially in early recovery. Not sure what LR is..

Secondly, what's going on with the communication between you and your wife? If she knew you drank, why didn't she bring it up with you? Have you told her? To me this lack of communication speaks of larger issues.

fini

why wait til she brings it up?
you could open the topic right now, or at least just say it out loud.
no reason to wait and then she will look like "the baddie who's mentioning faults and nagging" (i'm making that up!)
you could take responsibility today.

Day 8 or 1, does it really matter?

well.....

if it doesn't then day 1821 or 1 doesn't matter, either.

it would matter to me. don't know about you.

akiba

Thank you for your replies and advice. I'm heading into my LR (life ring) meeting in 15 minutes. Will post later.

Dee74

Some good advice here akiba.
I had to learn if I was sneaking drinks, there was something not quite right with my recovery plan.

Can you think of things you could add to what you've been doing?

D

neferkamichael

Akiba, glad ya brought up counting days, 1670 days sober for me and it matters, rootin for ya.

LBrain

I was going to key in on the 8 days or 1 day does it matter title. But I see it was addressed already. But it really matters if day 1 is a perpetual event.

BEFORE I quit drinking I would go to the bar by myself to pick up drinks just to have a shot. The server would say I'll bring it to your table --- no that's okay, I'll drink it here so nobody knows. Or the trip to the bathroom when I didn't have to go just so I could swing by the bar for a shot. I played that game all too often. Sure, I sat at the table and drank like a gentleman sipping my beer. But I had a system no doubt about it.

When we have to sneak away for a drink - even with a drink at the table - we are already in trouble. Oh, the best part is, "Would you like me to add that to your bill?" Nope, I'm paying cash for this one. Done it so many times I had it down to a science.

OnMyWay7

Hope the meeting helps - I'm doing whatever I can to stay away from bars etc. Getting to do things like pottery these days...

akiba

Had a great meeting with lots of advice from many people with years of sobriety under their belts. My plan has not been working and the tweeks I've made along the way have not been solid enough. I've been in denial all this time thinking I can do it my way. Well obviously my way has not been working. Going to look into Kaiser CDRP for an evaluation tomorrow.

GracieLou

You pretty much spelled out my first relapse after five months sober. I had no business in that bar but I wanted to drink and put myself in a position to do so.

I am glad you are back, I was not. I drank ten more years after that night.

You are correct in your statement that you have to work on you first. I am glad you are reaching out for help.

akiba

Went to Kaiser CDRP and they do not treat people who are not on their health plan. Got a referral from the director of Kaiser CDRP for a substance abuse specialist. Called him and have an appointment set up for next Wednesday. We are seeing our marriage therapist this evening and I'm not sure where my wife stands with all of this. We rarely speak about my disease unless it's with the therapist. Every time we see our therapist I'm afraid my wife will say she's had it and wants a divorce. She's been seeing her own therapist to deal with co-dependency so she has been handling things very differently by not talking about it.

Thoughts?

jryan19982

A brief lapse in judgement and I really like the idea that you should steer clear of bars for a while. Basically nothing good comes from a recovering alcoholic in a bar. That would be just a tough situation to handle.

akiba

My wife insists I need to do this on my own. We go on as everything is normal. We make plans not thinking about if I am able to handle it or not. She does not want to be burdened or have her life interrupted by my disease.

DrunkTx

During early sobriety you can only worry about you. What you learn is that your sobriety helps everybody around you. But being sober means more than not drinking, it means complete and total honesty. I bet if you went to your wife and said: I had a shot at the bar that night. Not sure if you saw me or not, but my intention was to do it secretly. I have a long journey ahead of me in getting sober, but I want the accountability to start right now. While I can't guarantee sobriety, I can promise that I want it more than anything, and won't be discouraged when I fall. I also promise to be 100% honest no matter my mistakes or slips. I need to get sober for me, but as the most important person in my life, I need you to know I am fighting for my life on this.

You might be surprised what a little transparency and commitment will do. All that said, to they own self be true - you have to want to quit!

Anna

It's understandable that your wife doesn't want to change her whole life, but I would not be sober today if I'd been in bars buying drinks for people. It wouldn't have worked for me, no matter who I tweaked things. Could your wife go out on her own for awhile if it involves alcohol? Do you need to go? It could give you a chance to get a couple of months of sobriety and to feel stronger.

akiba

Yes she can. I will discuss this and DrunkTx's advice with her during our session this evening. I really want to get and stay sober more than anything. Life is so much better that way.

advbike

She may not want to be "burdened" by it due to her work on her codependence issues, but you also have the right to do what you need to do to become, and stay sober. Including not going out to dinner, or bars, etc.

I was in a similar relationship and one reason that I eventually separated from her was because I got tired of finding wine and beer in the fridge, and watching her drink wine at night or when we went out to dinner.

My current girlfriend doesn't drink at all, and it's so much easier to live a sober life without that constant temptation and the resulting anxiety and resentment.

Nowsthetime

Hello: she has to be bothered, if by that we mean be part of your life. I think the transparency post was great. Honesty is always the best policy specially with your life partner.

Be strong and be honest and don't be afraid to show your vulnerability. Your journey will be much easier if she's involved.

You had a slip but you are figuring it out. Keep truckin', we are truckin' with you.