gdev99

So last November I gave up drinking. Fortunately even though I had a pretty bad habit of at least a bottle of wine nearly every night for the better part of 8 or so years when the time came I just quit.

I knew I would be left alone while my wife was at work (I work rotating shifts) so in the first few weeks I made sure to fill my days with some cooking, gym, etc. Anything that took away that time alone at home that I usually filled with drinking and television. After the first few weeks it became second nature. My wife was laid off, but it was a pretty big blessing. We don't need the money and it was a great time to enhance our relationship and we sort of built this nice life around me actually participating in a lot of the activities I used to sort of ignore. For example, we are into making all sorts of teas (check out teavana!), going to the gym, recently got into juicing (kind of on a health kick), and just basically just enjoyed each others company without one of us (me) drinking.

Everything is so nice, good, and enjoyable that I no longer have ANY desire to consume alcohol. In fact, I actually prefer the things I do in my new life over booze. I never thought it would happen, but I actually prefer sitting down with a good cup of tea over a bottle of wine. It is incredible!

So everything is going along great and my wife leaves for a week. I am left totally home alone and almost like a robot immediately drink. I just totally revert back to sitting on the couch with a drink in my hand! I did not even want to do it, but guess what...there I was...after like 3 months of total sobriety.

So I am looking for answers. I was able to stop drinking the next day. My wife came home and we resumed our nice little life together. I have no desire to drink. So I am very confused. I cannot figure out WHY I did what I did. It appears that a HUGE trigger for me is being left alone and returning to an old habit. So the obvious answer is to fill this void with other things. I get that. But what I cannot understand and I am seeking to understand so I can better know myself and prevent this again is why I would do such a thing?

The best way I could describe it was like a feeling of, "oh here you go, take advantage of the situation and drink" even though I no longer DESIRE to drink (it used to be a desire, a want) and am more satisfied with a hot tea, relaxation, and healthy living.

Even more confusing, but good, is that I am not relapsed into old habits. I don't crave booze, just an happy to get back to my regular booze free life. Which makes it even more confusing. It is like someone who hates going to the movies gets left alone, gets some free time, and wanders into a theatre for no good reason, leaves, and says man I still hate the movies.

Any have any insight?

Thanks and good luck and God Bless to all!

Dee74

There's no mystery, not to me.
Many times I was able to stay sober in a certain situation and then I'd drink again in a heartbeat the next time I found myself in that same situation.

I'm an alcoholic - I cannot consistently control my drinking, and certainly not for long.

Keeping busy would only work for a little while.

What's your support like, gdev? do you have a recovery plan beyond keep busy?

D

gdev99

Hi Dee

Support system has been largely just "turning life around." In other words, I just live totally differently. I go to Church, I eat healthy, I go to the gym, I spend time doing other things than vegging out on the couch with wine.

So there are two obvious things. I should perhaps have a deeper support system than this. I get that. But I can honestly say, and I mean truly honestly after a lot of self evaluation that I REALLY love my new booze free life and the things I do in it more than I do drinking. So I am just so blown away as to why I just turned into a robot, taken over by the idea of I need to "take advantage" of the time alone and drink after having really just learned that I no longer like it or crave it. And even more baffling that after having drank, that it did not make me want to drink anymore. That would be terrible but at least understandable.

So I feel I need more insight into why I would suddenly want to "take advantage" of a situation and do something that I basically no longer like to do.

I do not feel any pangs of wanting to drink regularly again. Which is GREAT. But I also want to avoid these incidents where if I get left alone for a week I don't go into robot zombie mode and drink for no conceivable reason. In other words, living life where you only drink once in a blue moon is certainly better than living life drunk. But as myself and most folks here can tell you the BEST thing is to just live life booze free period. So, I guess I just need more insight into preventing this. Because unlike someone still drinking or in total relapse, I still truly do not want to drink, do not crave to drink, and love living my new sober healthy life.

I hope that makes sense lol!

Dee74

I drank whenever I could 'get away with it' - for me it was no deeper than that.

I honestly think you'd be better served at working out a strategy for next time you're home alone?

D

Notimetoloose

Hi and welcome....Addiction and withdrawal aside.
For me a lot of staying sober is about the 'firsts', we are creatures of habit and after years of drinking it takes a little while to change our response to when and what we do.

Getting through the daily routines, the first four seasons, the first fight, the first everything.
Even though I didn't want to drink, I would think Oh I will have a drink...because that is what I used to do....
I figure it will get easier as I move into the second and third time I do things without a drink.

Next time your wife is going away, be prepared with a different response.

goose333

That's exactly it. The old habit of 'drinking when you can get away with it'. There have been soooo many times during my sobriety that I've thought, 'hey, if I was still drinking this would be the perfect opportunity...' Sooo many.
But I don't. I can't. I don't want to. I know if I did, I would fall very very hard. I wouldn't be able to just go back to normal the next day. After all, I'm an alcoholic. I drink to get drunk.
If I were you, I'd try very hard to get very busy when these times present themselves. If you don't, I think it's just an accident waiting to happen.

beach20

These responses are so helpful. I too, drank when I could get away with it. But I didn't get away with it really. The alcohol got its way with me.

I live alone and I always must have a plan to make sure drinking isn't the answer even if I am lonely, bored or "wanting the effect produced,"

snowbunting

I'm the same. When my husband goes away, one of two things is going to happen: either I'm going to put lots of effort into keeping busy, going on long walks, exercising, doing anything I can think of so as not to drink, or I'm going to use it as an excuse to get wasted. There's no in between. Being left alone in the house is never a relaxing time for me: I'm either full of nervous energy, or caving into old habits. Getting through one week of solitude doesn't mean I'm any more likely to get through the next. Like you, I wish I could fix it, and I don't know why I'm so hyper-conscious of this 'void' all the time.

Sometimes I think if I understood more about the void, I'd be able to squish it. Where does it come from? Why do I feel like this the minute I'm alone? I used to live alone happily, but now I'm in complete awe of anyone who can manage it.

Sorry, this is the least helpful answer ever. Like Dee says, the feeling of being able to 'get away with it' is a powerful one. As alcoholics, it's rare that we get to break the association between drinking and secrecy. Getting to do it out in the open with no one to stop me will always feel like a temptation to me I think. Because while I was drinking, that's all I wanted, all the time.

gdev99

Snow...out of curiosity...when you have your husband home and live your "normal" life together do you struggle? Because for me it is night and day. If we are home together living our normal routine I wouldn't even know I had ever had a problem drinking...that is how absolutely non-existent the temptation is...but the last month when she had to take a trip and I was living the bachelor life (when I used to drink ALOT) I slipped up. Then when normal life resumes I go back to being totally happy sober. You may be onto something with the secrecy aspect of it...

anattaboy

There's something to the whole "getting away with something". I don't know if it's age, time abstinent or AVRT but it finally clicked with me that robbing Peter to pay Paul was useless as I am both. My mind is more James today and he is worth caring for. All I really had to do is not drink no matter what. Time reveals what the "whats" are all about.

ArtFriend

I am thinking that it's not the secrecy at all... I think it is the loneliness. Your wife evidently fills that void when she is at home. You have to find a way to handle that void when she is gone.

Esspee

Thank you for talking about this. I'm on day 13 and everything seems ok but 6 weeks today my 16 year old son is off to DC and NYC for 12 days and I will be 'home alone'.

This conversation has made me realise I need to make contingency plans. I will (assuming my interview yesterday went ok) have work to fill some of it. I think I'm going to have to build a collection of DVDs to watch, tasty snacks etc and put myself on lockdown at the weekends!

Thank you for making me think

PurpleKnight

I live on my own and I know that exact feeling, when I quit drinking, that same thought would reoccur over and over again, as already mentioned support was the key to getting over that hurdle, because every single evening after work I was by myself, having other people around me in the form of SR was crucial to the whole thing.

The other thing I would say is the more we do form new habits and routines the quieter that voice becomes, for example this morning I woke up on my saturday, no work till Monday, plenty of sport to watch this afternoon, I live on my own, but that voice doesn't enter my head anymore.

I simply got up this morning, had some breakfast, hopped in my car to run few errands, and am now sitting with a pot of green tea, eventually our decision making over time will lead to a Sober life that starts to push out those old thoughts.

Keep pushing through!!

snowbunting

I wouldn't say it's as night and day for me as it is for you, in that when we are living our daily life together, I will have the odd off day when the temptation to drink is very strong; but mostly I am fine when we're together - I have lots to do, and I'm just happy and content, and I love our rituals and routines. Then when he goes, the rug is swept out from underneath me. The routines vanish and I keep strange hours, up till late drinking and watching rubbish. (Like you, I barely ever watch TV when my husband is home).

So I think the secrecy a big aspect is part of it, and of course loneliness like ArtFriend said, but also just the disorientation that comes with not preserving my routines. It makes me feel pretty pathetic that I crumble so easily when I'm left alone, but there it is. We can all feel lonely when left alone, but only a tiny proportion of the population needs to drink themselves to oblivion in order to cope with it...

Notmyrealname

These habits get ingrained in your brain through repetition and it takes a long time for the pathing to fade. I think you really have to be on your guard and watchful about how you react to situations that you know or should know from experience are associated with drinking.

biminiblue

I thought of a couple things reading your post.

Did you quit because your wife asked you to? Or was it 100% your own idea? I think if I quit for someone else, I would be tempted to drink when they were away (like a teenager rebelling against the parents.)

The other thing is maybe you are uncomfortable being alone? If there are past abandonment stories in your life, you could be psychologically "triggered" when your wife leaves.

snowbunting

Hijacking a bit to say this is definitely true of me, but I hadn't actually thought of that before. It makes a lot more sense to me now. I can work with this. Thank you.

Nowsthetime

I totally relate. Almost at 11 months everytime I am home alone my AV always starts yellin "nobody will know". So I answer:I will know and I'm the only one that matters!!!

gdev99

So many great replies...thank you to them all! You guys have given me some great insight and I really feel more confident to continue my sobriety when the next period alone occurs. Hopefully we can keep this thread going for those dealing with the "alone" issue.