livinginhope

I've made false starts before, but now I am a month into sobriety. I drank steadily for a long time. Decades. Almost forty years of solid drinking with very few breaks.

I have never had a DUI, never lost a job due to drinking, have never been in a fight. But I drank nightly, and it deteriorated all of my relationships. I still have friends, but they drink and get high. I have not been answering the phone from them.

I won't go back to AA. I do not wish to go into my reasons why, but I have tried numerous times, and it not only did not help, it made my problems worse.

Rational recovery is helpful, but it is lonely.

After a month I am still foggy, irritable, anxious, and deeply depressed. It does not help that I live alone, and I have no sober friends.

I can't go back to drinking. Even though I was sorely tempted today. I feel like crap, so why not drink? Right?

WRONG. It's got to get better. Doesn't it?

SoberLeigh

It will get better, livinginhope, much better but it takes time.

Have you spoken with your doctor about your depressin?

Welcome to SR; glad you found us.

Della1968

Welcome you won't feel so lonely here. It had helped me so much.

livinginhope

I have no insurance at the moment. I have been a temp and I am supposed to be taken on permanently this week. Then I will get coverage. I also need a complete physical to get the position. I will talk to the doctor, then set up a regular MD for me. I will also get back in contact with my therapist.

It's been such a hard month. I don't have to tell you guys that. But, man, when you are in the thick of it, it feels hopeless.

Thanks for the kind replies.

Hereandnow2

I felt the same way one month in. It will get better. Each day you will feel a tiny but better. Finding sober friends is important and I did this through aa but also started connecting with colleagues more which helped.

livinginhope

I miss my ex, I miss my little girl (who is now grown up and in college across the country), and I miss having friends and things to do.

I had been playing Yahtzee with an old friend on Saturday nights. He was a chronic pot smoker and has quit. He does not drink. But his endless conspiracy theories are hard to take, and he has racist tendencies.

The lady woman I tried to date asked, "Why don't you drink?". I tried to explain, but it was like speaking to another species.

livinginhope

I actually felt better most days this week. Today was a setback. I feel like I drank a bottle of liquor last night.

Frostyfrost

It's not a set back, it's just part of the process, just think of it as part of the process and the ability to continue on when faced with challenges the day brought, you didn't give up and that's amazing, I'm proud of you even though I don't know you because you are on the right road and it can't be easy for you but what's that phrase something something about you can't make a cake without breaking a few eggs, something like that lol.
Well nothing is ever going to be perfect, don't feel like when you have a tough day that it's wrong, it's not wrong, it's called being human and having real emotions, feel life and allow your thoughts to be, don't fight them away. So well done for facing it.
One step at a time, friends will come. Seasons come and go and so do friends, they'll come.
Why can't you write to your ex and daughter? Or have you lost touch completely?
When you wake up don't think of it like oh day fifty of my new life or day whatever, every day is the chance to make a new life, every second.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that's why we call it the present. Ohhhh ho check me out with my quoting today haha.
It's all going to be ok!

Frostyfrost

Just want to add too, that of course women are different species! The better one hey heheee

livinginhope

I keep up with my ex. We are still friends, despite some bad times. Much of which were my own fault and my drinking. She is supportive, but we only communicate on Facebook. She has remarried and I don't wish to complicate her life too much by always contacting her.

Same with my stepdaughter. She is very busy at college with her schooling and social life. I don't push it. Heck, I was young once. We are close though, and she does tell me that she loves me.

Frostyfrost

Well that's good Im glad you're close. Try not to feel guilty for regrets about the past, my ex speaks to me all the time, I'm married to someone else now but we have a child and tbh we are like friends and I wouldn't consider him talking to me a problem, in fact we met up for coffee to discuss his relationship problems!
Anyways, I know you can't meet up like that, and I can empethise what you might feel about always contacting her incase you seemed needy or some thing.
Yeah I know what you mean about young ones these days, never hear anything unless it's soemthing you saw on Facebook right??
What do you mean young once? You're just making yourself old now lol, change the thinking...you ARE young, just not on the outside hehe.

Alwyshope12

I went through the same issues in my head when I was 30 days in. Honestly, I thought about it everyday, trying to figure out when it would end and I could feel normal again. It does get better, and you will feel better, but there isn't a set time. It will take as long as it has to.

It is now closer to 80 days for me, and I do feel better. Actually a fair amount better, but there is still more work to be done.

This is something that people who do not have a problem with alcohol will understand. For some of us, it takes months and months for our bodies to heal.

It don't get better. It gets much much better. Stay with it!

Dee74

All of people get freaked out because early recovery can be really tough - they start to fear that life will always be like this...

It won't be. None of us would be here if that were true - we;d be drinking, dead or in the nuthouse.

Things get better - things change.... and so do we

It's a process, and transitioning from 40 years of self abuse is going to take a little time and patience.

You're doing great tho - and you're definitely on the right road, livingnow

bounced

Congratulations on a month, livinginhope.

I can't do AA either and I agree that rational recovery is lonely.

Things do get easier. I tried and failed a few times, always during the first 3 months. It is a really difficult phase. Once it starts to seem normal not to be drinking, you will spend less and less of your time fighting the demon and more time building a better life and a better future.

Quitting alcohol is probably the hardest thing you can do in life. Be very proud of yourself.

savarna

hi.... hang in there sweet.....
AA isn't really for me but i actually go to meet sober friends... i have real sincere sober friends that care about me.
Seeing a counsellor could help too?

Soberwolf

Things do get better....Well done on a month livinginhope

You got this

livinginhope

Thank you all, new friends.

I had bad dreams last night. My ex was saying goodbye to me. I am having trouble typing this as I can't stop crying. It's not just missing her and loneliness. I feel like I've been through the emotional and physical wringer.

Well, I've gotta put on my suit of armor and face the world. Have a nice Monday, everyone.

Frostyfrost

When you're in a black hole it's hard to feel like, or remember that you can feel anything other than dispare, it was only a dream...although they can feel incredibly draining and real at times, and you will do this, you will feel better you know, are you on any medication for your emotions? There's nothing wrong with seeking advice from a professional about help to manage this you know, Im not saying you need too but don't put too much pressure on yoirself to be 100 percent so fast. It's only been a month, you're still adjusting to a new perspective on life, change is never easy but it's worth it.

livinginhope

I really want to try to do this natually. No sleeping aids, no medication. I'm drinking chamomile tea in the evenings, and doing breathing exercises.

I should have insurance within a couple of weeks. I was seeing a counselor I liked a lot. She is not the type to dispense meds to every warm body who comes through her door. She doesn't rule them out, but believes that most can and should get by without them. I happen to agree with that line of thinking.

One more night under my belt. Another rung up the ladder. I'll get there.

Eshgham

Great job. the 1 month mark is tough. But it gets better! A lot better!