ChrisM

Hey everybody!

I've posted on here a few times in the past, and I'm back here to check in, having made a commitment to stay clean and sober. I absolutely love life in general, and my addiction just seems to be this nagging recurrence. I'm a music director/producer for a mega church, and I recently married - 38 years old.

As this is not my first rodeo, I had a relapse about a year and a half ago - one of several over the last 18 years of my life, since first becoming addicted to opiates at 20 years of age.

I've made roughly (6) attempts over the past year to stop. I'd get a few weeks or a month, then pick it back up. It's so frustrating, because I know in my heart of hearts that I would never make the attempt even ONE TIME, especially on my own - let alone SIX TIMES, to quit, without others (family, work, law) intervening, if I didn't have a desire to STAY STOPPED.

This succession of attempts came after beginning to receive the knowledge of AVRT. I completely believe in it, and I believe the data that I read all over about those who quit on their own generally have the greatest chances of success. Whereas I've been to many an AA meeting in my life, I wholeheartedly don't believe it's for me. I DO desire lifelong abstinence from drugs and alcohol, and it seems my tripping point is maintaining the desire and reasons for quitting in the first place.

I know my story has been posted here a million times. I've looked at many a thread and found great hope and strength. I wanted to post so I have a thread of my own going that will help keep me focused and motivated to stick with this.

Any input, stories that reflect the similarities of my own are certainly welcome. How do YOU remember, and not forget why you made the decision to quit on your own. How do you stick with it? What is your daily routine?

Thanks everybody!!

EternalNow

I go to meetings with others that have made the same decision that they are powerless over alcohol and their lives are out of control. I go to these meetings 3 or 4 times a week. I make friends there, and it becomes a new family. This keeps it fresh in my mind. I "take" and "work" the Steps to help to deflate my ego and encourage myself to think of others first.

But the basic answer I have for you to the question "how do you do it" is, in my experience, I DON'T do it. I RECEIVE a pardon from God. My higher power somehow does the heavylifting and I do the next right indicated thing that comes up in front of me. Yes it is up to me to do the footwork, to go here or there, to do this or that, but the Higher Power is exactly that a higher power and I receive a free gift I call Grace to not drink and to live saner.
How did I get this gift of grace? I suppose I asked for it but to be honest I asked my entire life but I only seemed to get it big time of late, I guess it came when I was finally ready. But I sense myself starting to blow smoke at you now. I really don't know how it works. I only know God is doing for me what I could not have done for myself. Peace

doggonecarl

You don't make your recovery based on remember why you're quitting. You quit. That's the decision. You aren't going to use. Ever. That's the plan. You stick to it. Etch it in stone if you need to refer to it.

Any thought of using in the future is the insanity of addiction and in no way should influence your decision.

upminer

I disagree the thought of waking up in my Jeep in the driveway at 3 am, pressed against the fence with it in drive without any recollection of how I got there plays in my mind daily. I won't forget what damage I could have caused that last night. Every urge to "have just one " or "moderate" is immediately followed by that image that memory and it kills the urge every time.

Fly N Buy

Welcome

I could never stop solo - Between SR and f2f support in the rooms outside, I have gained some time after many years - almost 8 months. Today, the desire to drink is gone.

Alcohol wasn't the problem for me , it was the solution. I had to find other ways, which I have and continue to work on.

What type of music is played at your church? Just curious.
Kind Regards,

Soberwolf

Have you considered rehab friend ?

For me its acceptance i know what happens if i drink so no matter what i dont drink i had to make changes in my life where my old behaviour was shown the door and i had to change for my sobriety to stay intact

i went to AA and done 2 services i went to group therapy i seen a alcohol addiction team i volenteered at a hospital i kept a daily journal i completed 2 college courses theres lots of things i havnt put but basically i had to change for my situation to change and i love my life now sober 18 months and i am still always trying to improve

I wish you the best in staying sober

Carlotta

I just celebrated 2 years sober Tuesday (I had 5 years previously). I decided to quit this time around because I was disgusted with myself and I knew that I was very probably going to commit suicide.
I did not even look into statistics or whatever. I knew I needed the support of others like me so I went back to AA and I also participate (a lot!) on SR.
If your way is not working, then maybe it is time to switch gears. Nothing wrong with doing things differently and nothing weak about seeking peer support and making friends. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

AA is not for you but you might consider joining a secular f2f group like SMART and also posting on SR. We have some people who quit with AVRT and nonetheless are regular valued contributors here (Freshstart57, Cascabel and Mesaman come to mind).

Carlotta

ps: I think AVRT has some value (I used some of it myself) but I do not subscribe in the thought that support groups etc. are basically "beasts activity".
If you were going to run a marathon, you would want to talk and ask tips from experienced runners but you probably also would like to know some other newbies so you can encourage each others and share whatever new thing you learned.

LBrain

My only advice is to not lose hope. No matter how difficult is seems in the early going, it does get better and easier the longer one stays sober.
Of the times I felt like having a drink, I reminded myself why I quit in the first place. Never forget what brought you here.
Reading through the newcomers thread and 'experiencing' the struggles others face is a constant reminder to me that I can never let my guard down.

Dee74

Posting here, helping other people here, reading their stories and re-rereading my own all helped me remember when I needed to.

You could do worse than to become a regular visitor here Chris

D

freshstart57

Here is a suggestion that I found very helpful, ChrisM. I had some time on my hands when I quit, so it was no big deal for me to just sit for a bit now and then. But I wasn't daydreaming, I was doing mindful breathing, meditation, anapanasati, there are lots of names for this. It is not much more than directing your minds focus to the sensation of breathing, nothing fancy. In, out, cool, warm, rise and fall. When your mind drifts off, and it does that, sit with the thought, accept the reality that is simply how stuff is right now, and then direct your focus back to the breath. For me, the benefit of the practice doesn't come from the breathing, it comes from the acceptance.

http://www.livingwell.org.au/mindfulness-exercises-3/ is a place to start. The first time I did this, it was only for two or three minutes, and I felt like I had just come back from vacation. I was putting emotional elbow room around my thoughts, and coming to understand I didn't need to do anything about them, they would go away all by themselves.

When you start to look into this stuff, there are millions of links, guided sessions with soothing sounds to listen to, all sorts of things, simple to complex.

As for the need to remember why I quit drinking, I don't have that need. I understood I could drink, or I could stay married, employed, housed, healthy, sane, have self-respect, everything I thought was important, but I can't have both. I made the choice, and I made it once. There is simply nothing for me in a beer, a glass of wine, a scotch. There used to be, true, but not any more, and not ever again.

Looking back, it was easy, it was hard, I'm not sure, but the degree of difficulty really didn't matter. It was possible, and I was going to do it. I was not going to fail at this.

Now, I am free. Free of addiction. Free to learn, to hope, to create, to live. Free to be me, and to be happy. This is where the work starts, and the fun, and everything else.

Make the choice. Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol? And one more thing, ChrisM - lots of talk and support for you in your chosen path in the Secular Connections forum. If you are looking for reading material and inspiration, that is the place.

Believe in yourself. You can do it. You deserve it. You can have it. Onward!

MelindaFlowers

This pretty much nails it. I knew I was just F'ing around in my early sobriety attempts. You know in movies where someone makes a promise but they are crossing their fingers behind their back? That was me. I only stopped drinking until I really felt like drinking again. I was doomed to fail because 1% of me wanted to drink again. I even continued drinking for a year after a serious medical diagnosis caused by my drinking. So, for those out there who think "ah, I'll stop for sure if my DR. Tells me too"....our addiction can still live on.

I finally stopped and WANTED to stop (for the first time ever) last June because I was so hungover everyday I was very close to taking the leap from functional to non-functional. I was withdrawing daily at work and finally decided I wanted to live and not die.

It's pretty amazing when that shift happens. "Spiritual awakening" sounds corny bit that's the only way to describe it.

I went from someone who couldn't get a day one to a non-drinker. You can too but you have to be fully committed to not using again. If you're not, you know it deep down. As I said earlier, I was BS'ing myself and I knew it every time I tried to stop before.

It sounds like you are ready to stop.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Chris!!

What have you tried different in those 6 attempts, or is it a case of recommitting and doing the same type of things?!!

For me I really needed to tweak things continually until I cracked it, doing the same thing if it wasn't working never seemed to be anymore successful the next time around.

You can do this!!

ChrisM

Thank you everybody for your wonderful insight and encouragement! To answer your question Purpleknight, I recently read statistics where they showed that a majority of addicted people who quit for good, generally do so on their own, without the help of programs like AA and such. I'm not bashing AA, nor were any of the articles. One fact that seemed to stick out to me most, was that in the percentage of those who "quit for good", many of them didn't do it perfectly - meaning, not necessarily on the first few attempts. BUT, in the end, they reached a point where there was enough confidence that one could stay sober, WITH a whole-hearted desire and sound reason(s) for doing so in the first place.

I think what seems different this time, is one - a deeper conviction, determination, and confidence that I can beat this wholeheartedly. Accompanied by that are different attitudes in general. A greater willingness to work through the sticking points from the past, being open to whatever I need to do - if need be - in order to maintain sobriety this time. Also, being much more proactive in reading, journaling/writing thoughts down, blogging...etc. I'm very prayerful as well, as my faith certainly plays a big role also.

That's where I'm at today.

ChrisM

I also wanted to add that in one of the articles I read, it was stated that many addicted people eventually "outgrow" their addictions (provided they live long enough to do-so). I don't read that to mean that I can be complacent or downplay the work and determination needed for lasting change. BUT that statement resonates with me on a personal level whole-heartedly.

It reminds me of the kid who every day goes to the amusement park to ride the same roller coaster. He just can't get enough of it. Eventually, he begins to mature, find other interests, and there comes a point where he realizes in his maturity (this comes from the healthy things I learned in my past attempts and abstinent periods) that even though the ride was fun, eventually it not only gets old, but it's also keeping him from his family, life, health/fitness, and overall well-being and hopeful future/vision for life. Eventually he begins to let go, making less and less trips to the amusement park, until eventually he finally accepts the fact that his day at the park is done. Eventually we all learn there is no Santa Claus at Christmas, and we re-shape our values and thinking about what Christmas is really all about anyway, turning out even better and stronger than when we were kids.

Carlotta

Be careful with that one because it could give ammunition to your AV that some day you might be able to drink safely again since you will have "matured" and outgrown your addiction. If I remember, Jack Trimpey talked about the AV coming up with something similar (not 100 percent sure though and I can't remember where I put the book).
I have not read this article but I could see how that statement could apply to young people who got way over their heads with partying then mature out of it. I know that personally, I am much better off with lifelong abstinence.

upminer

I think people can outgrow their addictions early in progression however they can't use once they have. It's that "I can have just one" mentality.... You aren't physically addicted, you stayed away for some time, you outgrew it. BUT you can't use it there's a reason you had a problem. I couldn't imagine trying to moderate now I know I would fall back in and worse I fear develop into a physical addiction.

Dee74

I'd be very careful of the outgrow thing too....

It's not a theory I subscribe to - I guess I may very well have stopped drinking one day anyway thanks to physical infirmity or something..my grandfather gave up when he no longer had the independence to buy it for himself...but that's not really outgrowing your addiction.

In any case, without being dramatic in any way, I know I would not have made 50 if I hadn't stopped at 40.

D

AnvilheadII

for me it was a daily commitment - just for today I will not use under any circumstances, NO MATTER WHAT. no means NO.

I also had to set myself up for SUCCESS in recovery. to make using again as hard as possible. changing those playmates, playgrounds and playthings. changing routines. having a support system.

no excuses, no reservations. you gotta be ruthless.

tired28

I am only 2 and a half months in, but when i decided to quit, I decided I would do anything and everything I had to to stay sober. I told myself that life might be miserable for awhile, I might be lonely, I might lose my friends, I might have to leave the man I loved, since he too is an alcoholic (and my drinking got much much worse when I was with him). But i was prepared to go through any discomfort I had too, if it meant getting my mind clear enough to start making proper decisions. Our brain is sick you know, and thats why is seems nearly impossible to stay away from the drink. They say it takes at least a year for our brains to start working even semi normal. It takes a long time to develope new habits and coping strategies. I have left my relationship, which by the way was extremely unhealthy, but by no means have I lost any of the people in my life who truly cared for me, and life definatly is not miserable by any means. I left my job at a pub that I loved but i listened to my inner voice and if it going to compromise my sobriety, it isnt worth it. Im taking this time out to focus on myself and my sobriety, and I know that everything will work out and life in the future will be 1000 times better , if I can just get through this initial discomfort. Whats a year really in the big scheme of things? YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! and stay here, its a huge help! And btw, I know you said AA isnt for you, but that what I said at first too, give it a chance, just commit to go for 1 month, and at least try to listen to what you here there. If its not for you after that than fine, but its worth a shot, these people have alotof sobriety, obviously somthing they say must be true. Im meeting a huge support system, and I didnt like AA or think it was for me either, but im starting to realize that i was wrong. I went to my first meeting when I was 30 days sober, and I know I wouldnt still be sober today if it wasnt for AA.