DrDave

I posted earlier, I said some hurtful things when drinking. The following week, there was continued tension. My wife was a saint and was trying to move forward. We then got in an argument, no drinking, I said I didn't want to live there anymore and left to go stay in Hotel. Initially, she begged me to come back and I said no. Now, after a week, she has decided that she does not want me to come back. Furthermore, she wont let me in house. She said she would meet me at restaurant to see my son, and is courteous enough to text back and forth. But I know she is angry, and I want to be careful about what I do next.

She wants to see proof of changes. That I am not going to drink ever again. I know, from your advice on this forum, that I need to focus on sobriety right now. But I don't know how/when I should ask to live at home. I don't want to get lawyers involved. But it is my home too. Or should I leave it up to her, let her make the decision about if I should come back to home. It actually really sucks being homeless. I will be gone for 2 weeks on some work stuff. But when I get back, and she says she doesn't want me to live at home, what should I do?

Maybe I should just tough it out now. Go on trip. When I get home, ask her if she wants me to come home or not. Ideally, we could work through this together, not apart. But I guess I am OK with working on it alone. At least I will get my cat to come live with me.

joyfullysober

You need to make a choice. Choosing your family without drinking ever again, or continue struggling. You are not sure, and it shows. We see it and your wife sees it. Whatever choice you make will be known through your actions.

ScottFromWI

I would say absolutely still focus on your sobriety as your #1 priority over anything. She wants proof, and the only proof you can give is exactly that - by staying sober. Nothing you can say will change that.

If you are still having cordial/respectful communications, you can certainly let her know what you are doing specifically to stay sober ( AA meetings, counseling, treatment, whatever it might be ), but at the end of the day it's going to be her trusting you. And that is simply going to take time - sober time.

sleepie

It kind of sounds like rehab would be a good idea.

FreeOwl

I agree.... look into inpatient rehab.

That solves three problems in one; helps you get sober, demonstrates you're taking action and gives you a place to live.

One step at a time.

Novi Treatment Centers - Therapist Novi, Oakland County, Michigan (MI) - Rehab Novi

IOAA2

Hi.
Observations over the years show that we have to want sobriety for ourself the #1 in the equation for sobriety. Next we need to be honest with our self about our drinking AND accept that we cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row. This process is long term and requires work on our part because most are not capable of doing it alone, look at the numbers of relapses just on this site.

AA has helper millions and this site has been a big help to many as long as we stick to it.

BE WELL

Soberwolf

I think focusing on your sobriety 110% would be best

My gf of near 15 years left me towards the end of my drinking i had to get sober for me she wanted proof too and she basically cut off contact

i had to wake up fast if i had any chance of repairing the damage i had done i took full responsibility for the situation (it was all me she didnt ask me to drink in fact she asked me to stop)

point is if this relationship has any chance to get healthy again its starts with you getting & staying sober

after around 3 months my gf moved bk in and i had to really change to make it work and it was hard work you find out who you really are in sobriety

mentioning lawyers sounds like you feel hard done by but if you were sober would any of this be happening ?

stick around drdave

Anna

Stay focused on recovery.

Find a temporary place to live - a small apartment where you can be comfortable for a few months. Don't pressure your wife and don't threaten her with ' It's my house, too'. You left and you refused to go back when she asked you. She has a new baby to care for and she needs to be comfortable in her home.

At some point, you can let her know what you're doing recovery-wise and what time-frame she would be comfortable with to discuss your returning home.

LBrain

I agree. Focus on your sobriety. Find a place to live.

"it's your home too" no longer applies when you left and refused to go back. You gave up your rights to that place when you left. I'm not a lawyer but I'm pretty sure there is a 'technical law term' for it. Abandonment?

Do not pressure her and do not constantly bring it up. Actions speak louder than words.
Staying sober is the best and most important thing for you right now. The fact that she wanted you to come back indicates all is not lost. As they say, you drew first blood. Be cordial and loving in your correspondence. Don't try to smother her. Give everything a chance to settle down. And if she asks, let her know that coming back is very important to you. But also indicate you are staying sober above all else.

SoberLeigh

^^^^ Exactly what Anna said.

Work on your recovery with all the commitment and resolve you can muster and then some.

Things may or may not work out with your wife in sobriety but your chances are exponentially better in sobriety than they are in active alcoholism.

Rooting forbyou.

Stay close to SR.

Shining~Again

in most states the period of time for abandonment becoming a problem (legally) is much longer than a week. My best suggestion is to ask a legal adviser if you have any worries about being able to legally come back home.

I agree that the very best thing you can do is stay sober, get support all around you any way you can
which can be meetings, sober buddies, SR, out patient or inpatient. You have many options.

Above all try to think positively - you are making major changes in your life and they're all for the better.

Best of luck to you and maybe you having to go away for 2 weeks for work is a blessing in disguise for both you and the wife. Gives everything time to settle a bit.

AcceptingChange

Hi Dave,
From a legal standpoint, if you leave the home, you can have problems during a divorce, as you will be viewed as abandoning. So it's best not to leave the house without having agreement with the other co-owner.
I know you're talking about the emotional and sobriety aspect of this decision, but also consider the legal consequences of leaving a home. It may not be good for you if you end up divorcing.

CodeJob

Dr. Dave,

I did what your wife did though I didn't do it until year 18 of marriage. Go and learn to be sober. You might be young enough that the work will be easier now. Your marriage might be young enough to truly recover and become stronger.

I wouldn't pursue the legal card on the house at this time. Leave her that non-drama safe place.

It sounds like you have anger issues, frustrations, fears and resentments. You might need to do some deep work to learn to handle your daily life without booze and learn to better handle your issues. I pray you do the work and dig deep.

Mine did inpatient rehab. He is almost 19 mo sober. Things are not perfect at home, but he does reside there. So there is hope for you. You can recover more I think if you do the work young.

MelindaFlowers

Hey Dave,

Here is what I see. You told her you didn't want to live there anymore. That must have been devastating for her. I don't think that's something you can just take back. Give her a month to cool off and let her know you do want to come back. Stay in a extended-stay motel for a month and stay sober. I'll bet it won't take her a month to let you back in as long as you are sober and apologetic.

I agree with Anna. Don't play the "it's my house" game. As the husband and father now is the time to give her some space in the home.

Mikie9

It reads to me you choose drinking over living there and being a husband and father. Translation to her, "I would rather be an abusive drunk, then a husband and father, otherwise I take my part in your life, and our child, away."

If i missed something in your post, please elaborate.

Here are the steps I would take.

Stop drinking. Inpatient, Outpatient, AA, white knuckling it cold turkey, it doesn't matter... STOP DRINKING. Not to show her you "can", but because you want that life. If you want to continue down the other path say goodbye to your family. Not judging you at all man, but you have drawn some lines in the sand here. Once those lines are permanent, there is no going back.

I am sorry if this seems harsh, but it was meant to be harsh. You abandon your wife and child, refuse to come back when invited(uhm..) and post about legal paths. While she is at home, with a husband who abandoned the family, who is NOT nice when drinking, while taking care of a newborn.

But there is another way. Stop all of this. Abandon ship. Do what is necessary to stop drinking. If even not for your family, do it for yourself. It will only get worse from here my friend.

From a judges point of view, even if you had the house before marriage it became part hers when you got married, even more so once the child needs a place to live. You are homeless? In a judges eyes better you than a woman and her child.

I know this seems brutal, but man, get it together. Stop drinking and dealing with what has happened when you drank. Nothing can improve until you move on. THAT is what she is waiting for, and I think that is what you are waiting for. Just do it. You can either choose to nip this in the bud, or continue down the selfish path.

I personally am here for you if you choose the sober path, it really is a better way to go.

OklaBH

Get to a meeting.

MIRecovery

What worries me is you seem to be concentrating on everything other what you are going to do about the root of your problems.

Time to do less thinking and more doing