Bebetterpls

Soberwolf. Sorry just got it. bk = back.

Bebetterpls

Know what is really stupid. We purchased new ice skates for my son this past Christmas. Yesterday, I made plans to go skating with him. He was really looking forward to it. I went and got his skates sharpened in the afternoon. I was supposed to go skating with him at a local outdoor rink after dinner. When we planned it, it sounded like such fun. We did not end up going because by dinner time, I had had about 4 tall cans of beer and all I could think of doing was lying on the couch and watching T.V. Passed out within half an hour. Woke up wondering what time it was (9:30 p.m.) Son went to sleep after playing video games in his room alone. What a great trade off I made. I chose 4 cans of beer over spending an evening ice skating with my son. Does the word "Loser" come close to describing me or is that too mild? What a great way to waste your life and deprive your family.

Bebetterpls

One thing that I forgot to mention was that prior to quitting drinking on February 8, 2012, I had in the prior two years discovered by my own research and diagnosis that I had gout. It was recurring with frequency and and severity. It manifested itself in various ways including pain in my big toe and really serious pain in my right ankle. Pain in right ankle was so bad that I could hardly walk. I could not go to the doctor because he was a family friend and I was too embarrassed to tell him that I had issues with alcohol. So I suffered in silence and tried to medicate myself including taking Advil even drinking drinks made with baking soda, apparently the alkaline in baking soda offsets the uric acid. I recall waking up one night about 2 years prior in excruciating pain. I could not move and could not find any position that wasn't really painful. On the last episode, I had a painful bout in my right ankle in about September, 2011 that lasted for two months at least. I kept drinking large amounts of beer everyday even though I knew it was causing me all this pain and likely damaging my organs. I limped around for two months sometimes in real pain. Everyone was asking me what happened. I always answered that I thought I twisted it. Then they would ask why I had not seen a doctor after so long and I could never give them a decent answer. What is even worse is knowing that this must be a sign that something was going seriously wrong with my kidneys if all of this uric acid was being allowed to build up and is not being flushed out by my system. Were my kidney's damaged? I stopped drinking on February 8, 2012 and never had another bout of gout whatsoever! Just another example of knowingly putting alcohol above all else.

mns1

Self-diagnosis/treatment is a risky business. It is something that literally almost killed me 9 years ago. Thankfully my mother noticed something was wrong and dragged me to the doctor. Turned out I had a serious chronic condition. One which I still have, and one which I will have for the rest of my life unless (fingers crossed) a cure is developed. I have to be as vigilant with my illness as I must with my alcohol issues.

Health is so fragile. Don't let pride blind you to that fact.

Bebetterpls

MNS1: Totally agree with you that we should not self diagnos or even worse self medicate. I mentioned my episodes with gout and my self treatment to give an example of how stupid this alcoholism made me.

Alynn

Your in the right place. Support here is great. I hid my drinking (beer) from husband. I gulped them down as fast as I could also. Hid the can everywhere and tried to sneak them out. We don't have to do that again.

Hevyn

Glad to meet you bebetterpls. The friendship & support you'll find here will really help. I'm happy you returned to us.

I was older when I quit too. I had to admit that each time it was in my system bad things would happen. I had to give up the idea that I had any control whatsoever - and that I was putting myself in danger each time I picked up. Wish it hadn't taken me decades to get it. Not feeling alone made all the difference to me - I had no one in my life to talk to who understood. You can do it, bebetter.

Bebetterpls

Alyn: I too have to get rid of empties before they accumulate otherwise my wife will realize how much I am drinking.

Notmyrealname

It sounds like you have things in perspective. You just need to not drink today and hopefully follow that up with not drinking tomorrow, get back in the right arc. You're in that cycle, sounds like, where you just drink because you drink.

Knock yourself out of the loop. Go see a double-feature or something instead of drinking.

Alynn

Yep. And beer cans are loud! The worst feeling is when a couple of times he found a stash and put them on kitchen counter. Horrible sinking feeling.


Posting here and reading posts really does help you stay focused on sobriety. I relapsed when I drifted away for a week.

lovehoops

Hi Bebetterpls and welcome! I too am just coming back and on day 3. I can identify with you in so many ways...hiding cans and bottles, drinking in the basement, sober before. Like you already know, NOTHING is better when we drink and losing your family is not worth it! Keep posting.

We can all do this together. This forum is very helpful..stay close

lovehoops

I know just how that feels Alynn...MISERABLE!

Bebetterpls

Well said: Nothing gets better by drinking!

You actually make things worse if you tally it all up.

Bebetterpls

Well last night was the first night trying to get back on the wagon. Went well.
Plan was to reduce drinking from 6 tall cans of beer to say 2 -3 tall cans of beer for a few days to wean myself off slowly rather than abruptly and risk withdrawal symptoms. I bought a couple of tall cans of beer on the way home. Ironically I actually had to force myself as I did not feel like drinking. I think that all of the introspection I did yesterday with the posting on this forum and reading turned me off drinking. I ended up drinking only 1 1/4 cans, felt tired and my lower legs felt bloated. I think something is going on with my insides due to the daily beer binging. I went to bed at 8:00 p.m. Slept solid to 4:35 a.m. No having to get up several times in the middle of the night to pee all the beer I binged on.

Feel great that I made it through last night and did not put quitting off to another night. I feel really good about my decision. Do not feel as bloated as I usually do in the morning. Looking forward to starting to exercise. Looking forward to freedom from the slavery of constantly drinking.

Bebetterpls

Notmyrealname: Your right about being a cycle. I have thought that myself. I have thought to myself that alot of my drinking is because I have nothing better to do. It has become a habit, a deadly one if prolonged enough.

Soberwolf

Congrats Bebetterpls sorry for my late reply

Kg1015

Hi, bebetterpls. Welcome back, I am new here too. I too am struggling with guilt, shame. But I know we can do this. You've quit for two years before! It's never too late to start over.

Bebetterpls

I did some rough calculations. I estimate that I have spent at least $3,000.00 since May, 2014 on beer. I drink tall cans of a premium european beer. This is after tax money. What a waste of money. I could have put this money in my son's education fund. Talk about a bone head!!

carlingford

I believe it is Back. on behalf of Soberwolf

Wastinglife

Welcome back Bebetterpls. Fellow Totontonian here. I have struggled for 10 years now with my drinking. Stopped many times and put in some sober periods but always went back. Like you mentioned, it was a simple pint of beer at a pub with coworkers or a friend that would set me off on my destructive patterns again.

My career, relationships, and finances have all suffered greatly due to my drinking. I am 38 now and at a crossroads in my life. Either I take my alcoholism seriously and do everything I can to fight it or spend the second half of my life in misery and despair.

I see a therapist once a week and recently began attending AA meetings. I avoided AA for years because of the religious connection but I have barely heard any mention of religion at all. That's what I'm doing to stay sober. There are plenty of meetings around Toronto at all times of the day. I suggest you at least consider AA.