I have binge eating disorder. The only thing in life that has meaning to me is food.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 192
I have binge eating disorder. The only thing in life that has meaning to me is food.
I'm addicted to food. I'm an obsessive overeater. I eat compulsively. I think any of these labels for me is pretty fair. I don't know if I ever expected to share this here. I spent time in SR's chat room tonight and was inspired to share my reality with a group of awesome people there (thank you, my friends), so I decided to share it in the message board that I frequent as well.
Pretty recently I came to the conclusion that I was an addict, as I would define it. And shortly after that, 67 days ago today, I decided that I would not eat uncontrollably again. I have not since and have logged my daily sobriety on this forum (the encouragement in that thread has been very comforting and motivating
).
It is entirely emotional for me. I would argue that I am quite knowledgable with various "diets", exercise regiments, and eating plans. I promise you that they mean nothing to me. After years and years of experience, only closely counting calories and using my willpower to not exceed an already set caloric limit is viable.
Food is life to me. All food. Telling me to try a physical strategy is like me telling an alcoholic my physical strategy for how I stop drinking (after a moderate amount I get "full" on alcohol and decide to put down the glass). I don't mean disrespect, I just don't have the same relationship with alcohol that the alcoholic does, and I certainly wouldn't ever presume to make such a suggestion to him or her. If someone tells me to try something like "eat vegetables first", "avoid processed sugar", etc.. I know that this person means well, but the suggestion is sincerely meaningless to me. It's not physical, it's all emotional. Unless my willpower exceeds my indescribably strong desire to eat, I will not stop eating anything (literally anything and everything, not just sweets) until I become very very physically sick.
Sorry to make this so very long, but due to my insecurity I'd feel more comfortable describing my lowest lows. I know I don't need to "legitimize" myself to the supportive people out there, but I'm really, really sensitive about wanting this to be just a little "real" in people's eyes (you are free to have your own opinion, of course).
I've gone through periods of eating 15,000-30,000 calories daily. I've spent over $1000 on food (just for me) over the course of a week or two without really trying. I've lied to friends so that I can spend just a few more minutes longer by myself eating. It has affected my career path. I've gained huge amounts of weight in short periods of time, probably most notable was when I gained 97.1 pounds in 88 days. Over the last few years I've easily gained (then lost) hundreds of pounds total. I feel like 90% of my mind is obsessing over food and trying to convince me to lose control and binge (and when I say binge, my god do I mean binge). Eating is my only reality. I have to fight every reminder for this "true pleasure" contained in a moment of boredom or sadness, a commercial or advertisement for anything food related, or even a seemingly innocuous comment about what someone ate or will eat. Gah. A lifetime of triggers.
Sorry again for the length. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.
Pretty recently I came to the conclusion that I was an addict, as I would define it. And shortly after that, 67 days ago today, I decided that I would not eat uncontrollably again. I have not since and have logged my daily sobriety on this forum (the encouragement in that thread has been very comforting and motivating
).It is entirely emotional for me. I would argue that I am quite knowledgable with various "diets", exercise regiments, and eating plans. I promise you that they mean nothing to me. After years and years of experience, only closely counting calories and using my willpower to not exceed an already set caloric limit is viable.
Food is life to me. All food. Telling me to try a physical strategy is like me telling an alcoholic my physical strategy for how I stop drinking (after a moderate amount I get "full" on alcohol and decide to put down the glass). I don't mean disrespect, I just don't have the same relationship with alcohol that the alcoholic does, and I certainly wouldn't ever presume to make such a suggestion to him or her. If someone tells me to try something like "eat vegetables first", "avoid processed sugar", etc.. I know that this person means well, but the suggestion is sincerely meaningless to me. It's not physical, it's all emotional. Unless my willpower exceeds my indescribably strong desire to eat, I will not stop eating anything (literally anything and everything, not just sweets) until I become very very physically sick.
Sorry to make this so very long, but due to my insecurity I'd feel more comfortable describing my lowest lows. I know I don't need to "legitimize" myself to the supportive people out there, but I'm really, really sensitive about wanting this to be just a little "real" in people's eyes (you are free to have your own opinion, of course).
I've gone through periods of eating 15,000-30,000 calories daily. I've spent over $1000 on food (just for me) over the course of a week or two without really trying. I've lied to friends so that I can spend just a few more minutes longer by myself eating. It has affected my career path. I've gained huge amounts of weight in short periods of time, probably most notable was when I gained 97.1 pounds in 88 days. Over the last few years I've easily gained (then lost) hundreds of pounds total. I feel like 90% of my mind is obsessing over food and trying to convince me to lose control and binge (and when I say binge, my god do I mean binge). Eating is my only reality. I have to fight every reminder for this "true pleasure" contained in a moment of boredom or sadness, a commercial or advertisement for anything food related, or even a seemingly innocuous comment about what someone ate or will eat. Gah. A lifetime of triggers.
Sorry again for the length. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Steve - there are many others here who'll identify with an eating disorder here.
I often think that must be a hard one to beat cos you have to eat...
Have you checked out our ED forum?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/
D
I often think that must be a hard one to beat cos you have to eat...
Have you checked out our ED forum?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Oh honey...
I relate...
Since I possess a myriad of ways to "binge" in order to fill that "hollow leg"...spiritual hole...whatever it is, I certainly relate...I just spread it around a bit more..
Perhaps with booze, food, gambling sometimes, relationship temper tantrums.... I "go for broke" so to speak....
It's all kinda the same..yet a little bit different.
I DO know that I have somewhat overcome my food issue (although I relapse when I'm...to diluted I guess) via regular, structured 3 meals a day eating via following something somewhat structured... as a woman, I need to get 2 proteins, 2 fats, 2 starches, 2 fruits, 3 vegs..etc etc..
It gives me "order" in my previous food disorder...that's not to say, I don't "binge"..but it's different...way, way, way different..
cuz I gotta map
I relate...
Since I possess a myriad of ways to "binge" in order to fill that "hollow leg"...spiritual hole...whatever it is, I certainly relate...I just spread it around a bit more..
Perhaps with booze, food, gambling sometimes, relationship temper tantrums.... I "go for broke" so to speak....
It's all kinda the same..yet a little bit different.
I DO know that I have somewhat overcome my food issue (although I relapse when I'm...to diluted I guess) via regular, structured 3 meals a day eating via following something somewhat structured... as a woman, I need to get 2 proteins, 2 fats, 2 starches, 2 fruits, 3 vegs..etc etc..
It gives me "order" in my previous food disorder...that's not to say, I don't "binge"..but it's different...way, way, way different..
cuz I gotta map
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Steve as you said, you have no need to "legitimize" this to us but I see what you are driving at and why you posted. Addiction is addiction be it alcohol, drugs, food or anything else. The colour/type/way of addiction is the outward presentation of our commonality -- we can't stop when we indulge in what we're addicted to. "We are one but we are many."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, UK
Posts: 38
Well done on what you have achieved!!
I used to overeat uncontrollably. I was lucky enough to get funded for a gastric bypass so can not do it anymore (but transferred my addiction to alcohol - but that's my story and fir another place).
I know how difficult it is for you - especially as society views found addiction as a joke. You are very brave, well done x
I used to overeat uncontrollably. I was lucky enough to get funded for a gastric bypass so can not do it anymore (but transferred my addiction to alcohol - but that's my story and fir another place).
I know how difficult it is for you - especially as society views found addiction as a joke. You are very brave, well done x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, UK
Posts: 38
Well done on what you have achieved!!
I used to overeat uncontrollably. I was lucky enough to get funded for a gastric bypass so can not do it anymore (but transferred my addiction to alcohol - but that's my story and fir another place).
I know how difficult it is for you - especially as society views found addiction as a joke. You are very brave, well done x
I used to overeat uncontrollably. I was lucky enough to get funded for a gastric bypass so can not do it anymore (but transferred my addiction to alcohol - but that's my story and fir another place).
I know how difficult it is for you - especially as society views found addiction as a joke. You are very brave, well done x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
I think food addiction is in a different category to other kinds of addictions, because while we can always put down the bottle or the pill, we can't just not eat because food is required to sustain life. That makes overcoming it a whole different ball game.
I used to be bulimic. Binged on huge amounts of food, purged, abused laxatives. I stopped in my early twenties but the damage is done, I have quite severe IBS now along with GERD and and it makes my life hell. I traded my eating disorder for alcohol and eventually got into trouble with that. I'm now sober nearly 4 months and seem to have fallen into a pattern of restricting. Not because I want to lose weight but because I struggle to digest my food and often feel sick. I've lost 4 kilos I didn't need to lose. It's starting to worry me.
How do I get calories in without ingesting alcohol? Without alcohol I have neither appetite nor pain relief for my condition.
EDs can really screw you up.
I used to be bulimic. Binged on huge amounts of food, purged, abused laxatives. I stopped in my early twenties but the damage is done, I have quite severe IBS now along with GERD and and it makes my life hell. I traded my eating disorder for alcohol and eventually got into trouble with that. I'm now sober nearly 4 months and seem to have fallen into a pattern of restricting. Not because I want to lose weight but because I struggle to digest my food and often feel sick. I've lost 4 kilos I didn't need to lose. It's starting to worry me.
How do I get calories in without ingesting alcohol? Without alcohol I have neither appetite nor pain relief for my condition.
EDs can really screw you up.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Oh, Steve. You're so not alone, believe me 
I have been bulimic for over 25 years. The longest I've ever been without symptoms is 5 months and that was back in 2010. I've also had severe problems with alcohol but managed to give up drinking almost 2 years ago. I've applied the lessons I've learnt from alcohol abstinence to my eating disorder and have had some success but the approach does need to be a little different. Overall, I can see I'm making progress but it's slow and can be frustrating.
I found the book Brain over Binge very helpful. Just recently, I've read Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley. This tackles overeating by working on self-respect and I found I could identify with it in many ways. But I still struggle with food and thoughts of food every day.
Much love to you, Steve. 67 days is brilliant!
With you every step of the way, my friend xxx
I have been bulimic for over 25 years. The longest I've ever been without symptoms is 5 months and that was back in 2010. I've also had severe problems with alcohol but managed to give up drinking almost 2 years ago. I've applied the lessons I've learnt from alcohol abstinence to my eating disorder and have had some success but the approach does need to be a little different. Overall, I can see I'm making progress but it's slow and can be frustrating.
I found the book Brain over Binge very helpful. Just recently, I've read Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley. This tackles overeating by working on self-respect and I found I could identify with it in many ways. But I still struggle with food and thoughts of food every day.
Much love to you, Steve. 67 days is brilliant!
With you every step of the way, my friend xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 192
Thank you from the true bottom of my heart, every single person in this thread. Your support and your kind words have genuinely assisted my motivation to maintain my abstinence from non-strictly controlled eating. My will is strengthened from being a part of this community.
And I also really can't put into words how meaningful it is for me that each one of you respected my stated wishes by recognizing how my compulsion is completely emotional. If anyone had said, "Hey, try eating carrots, they really curb my appetite," or something, I would have been really saddened, to be completely honest with you.
You're all too awesome for words.
And I also really can't put into words how meaningful it is for me that each one of you respected my stated wishes by recognizing how my compulsion is completely emotional. If anyone had said, "Hey, try eating carrots, they really curb my appetite," or something, I would have been really saddened, to be completely honest with you.
You're all too awesome for words.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
HeY StEvE!!
Im so glad you posted. It must feel great to get that off your chest! I couldnt imagine what you are going through. I mean...you have to eat to live. I think what you are dealing with it tough tough stuff. So, that said, i hope you keep posting for us to support you and for you to support us!
All my best!
Im so glad you posted. It must feel great to get that off your chest! I couldnt imagine what you are going through. I mean...you have to eat to live. I think what you are dealing with it tough tough stuff. So, that said, i hope you keep posting for us to support you and for you to support us!
All my best!
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Steve.
Oh, binge eating...
I do so understand you.
I am a gym junkie and know everything about health eating and mostly stick to it, but when binge eating hits I turn into...I don't know..
It's as much an addiction as any other.
As Dee said, check our eating disorder part of the forum - some of us hang out there regularly, me included.
Don't give up. Though it's not easy to beat this disease, it's still doable.
Keep posting.
Oh, binge eating...
I do so understand you.
I am a gym junkie and know everything about health eating and mostly stick to it, but when binge eating hits I turn into...I don't know..
It's as much an addiction as any other.
As Dee said, check our eating disorder part of the forum - some of us hang out there regularly, me included.
Don't give up. Though it's not easy to beat this disease, it's still doable.
Keep posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Steve, I can feel the pain in your words and I do understand how this addiction is so difficult for you. I think that the root of addiction is often low self-esteem. But, our very behaviour as addicts reinforces low self-esteem. We waste money, we lie to our friends and families, we secretly binge - all things which make us feel worse. Good for you for stepping outside of this cycle and getting 67 days together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
Steve, I know it was difficult to do this, as I noted when you were in the chat room. I am proud of you and you have, as trachemys noted, found a most supportive and loving place!
67 days is great Congrats!
67 days is great Congrats!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
67 days is great, Steve! 
Recovery with any kind of addiction or obsessive behavior is so hard -- but you are doing well and you have all our support! Stick with your plan and keep the lines of communication open -- let us know how it's going on easy days and when you struggle & don't be afraid to ask for encouragement when you need it!
Recovery with any kind of addiction or obsessive behavior is so hard -- but you are doing well and you have all our support! Stick with your plan and keep the lines of communication open -- let us know how it's going on easy days and when you struggle & don't be afraid to ask for encouragement when you need it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 128
You can do it
I was a binge eater in my younger years. Then I became anorexic.
I have had to fight alcoholism all of my life.
But I know the pain of the weight gain and secret eating that can't help but hide. In fact I will never forget that period of my life.
I know this might not help much but I will tell you what helped me get out of it. I stopped shopping and eating.
It sounds simple. Too simple. I walked daily with a friend and we talked.
We walked and walked and we talked. I think we really talked with a higher power while we were walking.
It wasn't exercise to burn calories. It was a communication to fill my soul with. We just trudged along the streets of Minneapolis and pretty soon I liked that better than eating.
In fact I think I need to start again just to help my alcohol recovery. It's all an effort to fill one's spirit up and as we all can see the external things don't do the trick.
You will recover from this and I will
pray for you.
I have had to fight alcoholism all of my life.
But I know the pain of the weight gain and secret eating that can't help but hide. In fact I will never forget that period of my life.
I know this might not help much but I will tell you what helped me get out of it. I stopped shopping and eating.
It sounds simple. Too simple. I walked daily with a friend and we talked.
We walked and walked and we talked. I think we really talked with a higher power while we were walking.
It wasn't exercise to burn calories. It was a communication to fill my soul with. We just trudged along the streets of Minneapolis and pretty soon I liked that better than eating.
In fact I think I need to start again just to help my alcohol recovery. It's all an effort to fill one's spirit up and as we all can see the external things don't do the trick.
You will recover from this and I will
pray for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
