StellaPolaris

Saturday: The Hobbit and telling my ex we can no longer have contact. Heartbroken, went drinking.

Sunday: Woke up with a 26-year-old, don't even know his name (I'm 40, apparently I become a cougar when drunk).

Monday: Shaking, skipped work, bought beer in the morning (while still able to drive). Feeling completely alone, depressed, like life has too many hours to fill. Really wish I was sober and at work.

I have a lot of people who love me, problem is I don't even like me I guess...

Tuesday: Hopefully sober and better.

Dee74

I didn't like me much either, but the longer I was sober the more I realised I had no idea who the real me was.

You know where drinking gets you - doesn't sound too appealling or fulfilling.

Give recovery a go

D

StellaPolaris

Currently feel like I have to totally reinvent myself, Dee. Some days it's just too hard. I guess the problem is that I know I've just pressed the pause button. Drinking does that. I guess I have to face all these feelings sober to overcome them, but it's too easy to just slip down the rabbit hole...

Dee74

Facing the feelings, and the long but barely buried issues is rough - but so's a drinking life.

At least in recovery you have every chance of a happy ending...there's no chance of that drinking.

D

StellaPolaris

So how did you do it..? Face yourself..? It doesn't seem like a pretty picture these days. Self discovery after being lost for too long is really hard...

StellaPolaris

I'm being too depressive atm... This too shall pass.

Dee74

A little bit at a time Stella - I had some counselling help to start me off too.

I found I was stronger and more courageous that I'd convinced myself I was. The fear of facing stuff was way worse than the actual facing.

I wasn't nearly as bad a person as I'd thought either

D

least

I didn't want to face myself not drinking. I didn't want to feel the feelings I'd been numbing. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I actually like myself now and am happy, truly happy with my life.

Give sobriety a chance. It's a better life than the drinking life.

StellaPolaris

The fear... It's the worst, isn't it? Thank you, Dee. I will survive Monday and make Tuesday a better day.

Soberwolf

Well done SP

StellaPolaris

Total failure today, soberwolf. Feeling so alone, but I know I felt this way while in a relationship too. Having your heart broken is the ultimate trigger I guess... Really envy you people with significant others. :p

soberclover

I thought of two different things when I read your post. The first was remembering that when I was actively drinking I trapped myself in the cycle of negative consequences as a result of my drinking...really bad, strange, not-me things happened when I drank...like you waking up with someone. It just made me feel awful and I drank more to cope with that. The second thing I thought about is how much relationships really are a trigger. I do have a person in my life but I'm learning that because we met when I was drinking, now that I'm sober our relationship has really changed as he is still drinking. I'm struggling with how to end a relationship with someone I care about but know it isn't good for my long-term sobriety. Significant others are not the thing you need in early recovery. My hope for you is that you can stop drinking and develop a relationship with yourself

FreeOwl

I remember days and feelings like this too.

I remember not remembering.

I remember self loathing.

I remember waking up with younger women not my wife.....

I remember waking up wondering who that younger woman I'd gone to bed with that was now gone even was....

I also needed a reinvention. I have found along the way that reinvention wasn't really a reinvention, but a journey to ME. A me inside all along... Worthy, wonderful, deserving, hurting, loving and capable - with so much to give.

AA and counseling, along with embracing sobriety as a gift instead of looking at it as a loss - that's what did it for me.

I hope you find your groove. Life is so much more than this awful cycle you're in. Give AA a try. Nothing to lose, your life to gain.

StellaPolaris

FreeOwl..: AA is really not an option in Norway... I'm currently thinking I drank myself into this solitude, I can get myself out. Not sure how though...

FreeOwl

Many of us thought the same thing.

Almost universally, we were wrong.

Why is AA not an option in Norway?

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.eu/c...p?Where=Norway

StellaPolaris

They have meetings once a week... It's on my bucket list though.

trachemys

Stella, a significant other is not a life fixer. A significant self is what is needed. You are significant, all by yourself. Be good to you.

sobermax

Have you considered Rational Recovery or any of the other AA alternatives? It worked like a charm for me & no meetings!!!!

So sorry to read about your trouble SP. The thought of stopping was far worse than the actual stopping for me and I was on and off for a long time, nothing really changing except needing more and more booze . . .

My thoughts fly to Norway.

FreeOwl

Get it off your bucket list and into your this week list.

Also the big book is available online. So are many step workbooks. You could get an online sponsor. You could go to meetings when available, attend meetings online, you could ask here for help in working them, you could start your own AA group for that matter.

Here's my point: as long as you are focused on the reasons you 'can't recover and capture the life you could be loving - you won't.

JanieJ

Stella, we alcoholics are really good at refusing help and thinking we can go it alone. We can't.

I know how you feel about facing yourself, but with alcohol you only have three eventual outcomes -insanity, incarceration or death.

I'd agree with Dee that some counselling might be useful to you.

I only go to AA once a week, seems enough for me, along with SR and some reading/watching sober related material. Why not give it a try ?