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Relative's illness, not sure what to do

Old 12-04-2014, 03:20 PM
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Relative's illness, not sure what to do

Well, friends, this is almost like a joke since I just posted yesterday about this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5055758

Just got a phone call today that one of these cousins had a recurring case of her older breast cancer (~15 years ago) and now is inoperable and unlikely to respond to chemo (she had that back then twice). She is 51 right now...

This is unreal to me... read what I just posted yesterday about the same time of year last year:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5055120

She is in my home country in Europe and I have a trip booked already to visit my dad in a little over two weeks.

Almost feels like the Universe knows that I can deal with existential crises, so give me more...

Sorry about this sad post but I just felt I had to do something
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Old 12-04-2014, 03:36 PM
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Oh, haennie; that is very difficult news. You, your cousin and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Cancer is such a monster and its effects are far-reaching. I am sorry that it has touched your family.
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Old 12-04-2014, 03:43 PM
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Very sorry to hear about your cousin. Like Leigh said, cancer is a monster. Thoughts and prayers for you and her!
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Old 12-04-2014, 03:45 PM
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Sorry Heannie sending thoughts & prayers i understand

This day today 5 years ago was my mothers Fuenral... cancer took her from me cancer is soulwrenching

im doing a skydive for cancer reseach & Heart foundation next year to raise money for research

were all here for you heannie
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Old 12-04-2014, 04:03 PM
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What a great thought, SoberWolf, doing something to raise money for cancer research (sky-diving). Haennie, as others have said, cancer is horrible and it seems to be everywhere. I'm sorry for the illness in your family.
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Old 12-04-2014, 04:06 PM
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Thank you guys... very appreciated.

Soberwolf, my mom had cervical cancer but it was caught early enough; she was finally taken by a hearth attack in her sleep (after many treatments and surgeries).

As for cancer... my PhD was in cancer research. Clearly it's still not resolved much.

I'm just so sad, guys... even at the prospect of my cousin now... this was not the case last year when my friend died of his cancer.

I don't know... but I had debilitating depression once before. I really don't want that *** thing again and I also tell myself I can't afford because I have too many things to do and too many people to care for... This is why I posted. Just can't afford depression now.
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Old 12-04-2014, 04:45 PM
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Sorry about your mum, friend & cousin Heannie if you ever want to chat send a pm whenever you want friend

Whatever Happens Heannie we are all here for you you can lean on us for support 24/7
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Old 12-04-2014, 05:40 PM
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Prayers for your cousin, your family and you.

It's SO good that you can be there to offer support - my views may be left field, but to me thats God working, not the getting cancer bit.



D
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Old 12-04-2014, 05:40 PM
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Dˇuble

D
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Old 12-04-2014, 05:49 PM
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You're in my thoughts, Haennie. My grandmother had lymphoma for over twenty years, so we all lived with her fighting cancer for years. It was tough at the end, really tough. It took me years to grieve her, we were very close.

I'm so sorry you and your family are having to deal with this. Do what you can do, but don't do TOO much. *hugs*
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:27 PM
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Thanks so much for the support, shares, and everything.

Just heard from my family. She may not make the next day... and apparently they are on top with all the pain management... she is in a good hospital.

I feel.............. don't know what, friends. She's leaving lots of challenges to me as apparently she wanted me to to organize her funeral and a lot of other things. I had no idea of these.
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:47 PM
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I am so sorry Haennie. There seems to be a lot of grieving for lost loved ones here lately. I know it doesn't solve your dear cousin's problem but I hope it helps you feel less alone. I read both of your posts in the other threads. It seems like your friends and family look to you for a lot. Please be gentle with yourself. Your cousin's illness is horrible, but unless I misunderstood what you wrote in the other thread it sounds like you might need to have a sense of your limits and be comfortable expressing them.

I hope you lean on us a lot. You are so consistently supportive on here, I hope that we can help return some of the positive energy you give off back to you. Hugs, and I am really sorry.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:22 PM
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I am so sorry to hear this, Haennie. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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Old 12-05-2014, 02:44 AM
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Sending thoughts & prayers Heannie
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Old 12-05-2014, 12:23 PM
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I just heard from my dad that she passed relatively peacefully. She was his niece.

Yes, jaynie, my relationship with her involved strict boundaries that I set for self-protection, but it still affects me.

Dee, .... I don't know. I have never been an atheist in my life and definitely not unreceptive to anything spiritual. God, for me, is a concept (or someone) that I very much wanted to explore in my youth in a variety of ways. Never got an answer and never rejected the questions either. I consider myself the textbook agnostic.

All this reminds me of this cheesy song that I posted before on SR. I think I'm a lot like the redhead chick in the video, except that my hair is much longer and much more intense shade of artificial red
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqBMYoctFZM
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Old 12-05-2014, 03:25 PM
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Sorry Haennie - In retrospect I should have used your Universe terminology - the great goodness.

I'm not into pushing God onto anyone

D
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Old 12-05-2014, 03:59 PM
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Sorry to hear that haennie

My experience is that folk like us cannot afford to wallow in matters of death.

It's just not a luxury I can afford.

My Dad passed a while ago and I had to just face it head on and business like.

Hope that helps you deal with your cousins passing.

The leading cause of death is birth.

It's just a part of life on earth.

I know that might sound "cold" but the facts are just that.

Do what you have to do and do what you can.

The rest is out of your control.

Stay safe and sober
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Old 12-07-2014, 05:43 AM
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Update

I just wanted to post a little update on all this, and some conclusions/decisions I've made as a follow-up.

First off, I quite agree with Hawks' post here. I am actually by default quite good at that, I think. I've never suffered lasting debilitating kind of grief following the passing of loved ones -- what I tend to do, more than anything, is to distract myself (often unconsciously, I think) from the pain after the initial shock. Find something usually new and challenging and jump into it actively. My sudden sharp focus on getting sober after my friend's death last year was a good example, but it's pretty much a pattern in my life. Sometimes it is said that not grieving losses properly can be destructive long-term on the individual's mental health -- I don't know. I never recognized destructiveness due to this in my life, and I think I tend to be self-aware enough to see at least signs. I guess grief if different for everyone.

Anyhow, so what I recognized recently in sobriety about how I react to unexpected (or accumulating) personal life stresses is that they make me a little crazy... like very hyper mentally, and I start obsessing about various things again. This happened about 1.5 month ago when I visited my beloved father and faced directly his deteriorating condition for the first time in person, combined with being re-exposed to an old love interest with whom we very much turned each-others' lives upside down in the past... all within a two-week time interval. I had a thread about this back then, and how in the end I felt so crazy I ran to the ER... which was a really good thing to do even now in retrospect. And I did not do anything wild and crazy afterward, actually I experienced an unusual state of peace that was only broken recently a bit... And this is why I decided now that I'll handle this similarly. Well, except the ER visit, I don't need anything like that now.

So I'm just chillin' Have not done much this weekend except some work, a nice convo with my dad, similar with a friend, posting on SR, and listening to music. It's been quite relaxing and will do the same today!

I'm quite inspired now that it seems in sobriety I deal with these stresses differently, in a somewhat instinctual way even.

Thanks so much for all the support, guys, both here and via PMs... it always helps tremendously
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Old 12-07-2014, 06:26 AM
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Old 12-07-2014, 07:30 AM
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Haennie, I'm so sorry for your loses.

It is easy to be sober when everything is going well; these are the moments that test us. What a testament to you and your sobriety that you are walking this path by doing what you need to do to take care of yourself during difficulty times.

My thoughts are with you and your family.
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