LBrain

wow, I didn't see your post until now defcon1 - I must have been typing when you posted. But it explains exactly the same thing as I experienced. Yeah, scary.

WIP17

Blackouts are what scare me the most and the complete out of control behaviors. There would be many mornings where I would wake up wondering what happened the night before, and sometimes questioning if it was just a bad dream. What ultimately impacted me the most were my children seeing me this way and i could not even remember. My heart aches at this past behavior and I know I cannot drink anymore. I think some may say to me... "You're not an alcoholic, or as bad as others" however I am an alcoholic and I was tired of alcohol taking over my life. Congrats on your sobriety Lance... Despite what others say, including your own AV.... Alcoholism is alcoholism.

Arbor

^ The good side of this is well, this! ^

Fly N Buy

Nice Thread, great topic......
The posts here are confirmation to me of the power of globalization in recovery. There is incredible ESH from so many different people - geographically divided. Really amazing.

When it was pointed out to me that whole conversations I had at night disappeared from my memory in the morning, I came to realize how deep seeded the issue was. I had no idea.......couldn't remember what I couldn't remember!

After around 60 days sober I made the statement - At least I never blacked out. Turns out to be BS......Frankly, as time passes there are huge gaps......

But, yes - the HOPE is we recognized our issue - allergy is how I think of it as well, and move forward.

Again, great thread!

Lance40

I needed this conversation. I felt some resistance when I read some of the posts, and when I thought about it I realized that there is a part of me that needs there to be "stages" to alcoholism because as long as I'm not at the "end stage" then I have the illusion of control that I can manage my situation. And I suspect managing my situation means will-power based sobriety which will be bound to fail, probably before long.

My sponsor has been moving me through the AA steps at 1 per week, but last night the resistance I felt to some of the posts made me pull out the AA Big Book and go back to Step 1 because I realize I need to spend some time doing some deeper work on admitting my powerlessness over alcohol and how my life is unmanageable because of it. I have to move away from thinking about this in terms of stages and realize that I'm already "terminal" and always will be. Aaaaaargh - this is hard!

Fly N Buy

Lance,

The 12x12 helps me a lot........not to distract from the Big Book, but I find the essay's enlightening and adding to the steps!
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step1.pdf

peace man
FlyN

Lance40

Yea - I actually meant to say 12x12. That's where I spend most of my time when I really want to drill down into something.

fini

a part of me that needs there to be "stages" to alcoholism because as long as I'm not at the "end stage" then I have the illusion of control that I can manage my situation

Lance,
yes, i was in that place exactly. it's great you see that!
i didn't, and stayed drinking , stuck there, for a gazillion years with a gazillion attempts to get out which kept failing.
great that you're aware of your initial resistance to some things that were said and found a remedy.

erin8

I knew I'd been having blackouts for awhile. I thought they were normal after a night of heavy drinking. I didn't know that they were a sign of alcoholism though.