I dont want to die
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 158
I dont want to die
Hello all and I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy. I truly believe that I am a sufferer of Alcoholism and as the years go by, I find myself more and more worried that Alcohol will eventually kill me. I feel so helpless during a hangover or while attempting long term abstinence. I don't know what to do anymore. What started off 4 years ago as a couple drinks with friends once in a while has now escalated to what it is now. I binge drink 3-4 times a week for the sole purpose of getting drunk for fun. I consume between 500ml-750ml of vodka over 3-4 hours on binge nights. Some nights I do this with friends. Other nights by myself in front of the TV. Everytime I do this, I wake up the next morning so full of anxiety and panic that I feel like I lose my identity temporarily. I sweat profusely if I move around. All day I obsessively make sure my hearts beating properly etc etc. My doctor prescribed ativan for the anxiety when I have an episode and its great for curbing the anxiety;However, long term I have absolutely no interest in getting drunk and then having to pop downers the next morning to exist. That stupid. Well..Its all stupid really :P I have successfully gone 1 week without any alcohol in the past and was very happy to report no alcohol withdrawal symptoms(besides minor anxiety). I just cant get to day 8. My inner voice gets so dominant. It wants to have fun and feel good and I just cave under that pressure. I start convincing myself that the 7 days of sobriety EARNED me this bottle of vodka. And before I know it, I'm back into the same old stupid routine of drinking obscene amounts of vodka 3-4 times a week for pleasure. I am so incredibly terrified that I wont wake up one of these days or I'll just drop dead. Is the ability to go 7 days without a drink a sign that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Am I not too far gone? I can't imagine life without a relaxing bottle of vodka. But I DEFINITELY don't see a good future with that bottle beside me. I am stuck and scared. What do I do? 
I just want to be happy and healthy
I just want to be happy and healthy 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: East Coast U.S.
Posts: 153
Hello Scared,
I been there done that. What you have to do is change up your routine. I know that constant cycle of drinking for a few day, recovering for a few days, feeling good for a few days and repeating. This cycle must be broken by changing your routine. If you come home to drink go to the mall and start walking around or just go walk around some where safe.
Change is so hard for us alcoholics, but where there is a will, there is a way.
You could even start going to AA meetings, like I do. Every time you start feeling to good and start craving go to an AA meeting. That is what I am starting to realize.
I been there done that. What you have to do is change up your routine. I know that constant cycle of drinking for a few day, recovering for a few days, feeling good for a few days and repeating. This cycle must be broken by changing your routine. If you come home to drink go to the mall and start walking around or just go walk around some where safe.
Change is so hard for us alcoholics, but where there is a will, there is a way.
You could even start going to AA meetings, like I do. Every time you start feeling to good and start craving go to an AA meeting. That is what I am starting to realize.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I didn't want to die either Scared 
I was drinking all day everyday for 5 years...ended up with mini strokes...I was terrified I die.
I didn't
Go see your Dr get a clean bill of health then really throw yourself into this community.
Read around get some ideas on how to stay sober, and be happy with it.
If I can do it, you can too
Welcome
D
I was drinking all day everyday for 5 years...ended up with mini strokes...I was terrified I die.
I didn't
Go see your Dr get a clean bill of health then really throw yourself into this community.
Read around get some ideas on how to stay sober, and be happy with it.
If I can do it, you can too
Welcome
D
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Welcome! What helped me when I started here was to cruise around and read as much as I could. I learned so much just from that, and I heard so many stories that sounded just like mine. Keep posting, we're here to help you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Boy i really can relate. I could of said this myself. Im only one day clean. I constantly will get 7 to 10 days and boom! I drink and go on a binge. Only thing is I always drink by myself. But that anxiety and fear of dying you describe, i know it well. I cant get anyone to give me a script anxiety bc of my alcoholism. I am so in fear of being that alcoholic who never gets it. I dont know how to stay stopped. I been here since july mostly lurking, but i decided to post this time on the wagon. Just reading helps but im still sitting on my feelings about MY drinking. I dont know what to tell you to do, darn i dont know what im gong to do. I gotta make a serious comittment. Drinking is no longer fun..its frightening. I pray we both make it and stop listening to voice that tells us lies about drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 158
I'm so touched by all of this. Its only been a couple of minutes and all you guys responded with such care and respect. I can't tell you how grateful I am already. Just this last hour alone has been the highlight of my week.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,001
Your story, my story. My drinking escalated to a morning to night event. Withdrawals were horrible. However, the anxiety was the key factor in my sobriety. It felt like the world was going to end. Quitting will end the anxiety. Stay on sr, go to aa. Google AVRT and urge surfing. That really helped me. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
You don't have to. You can live a long and healthy life. Or you can keep drinking the way you have been drinking. If you are like most of us, you probably can't do both. It may not feel like it now when you are caught up in the cycle of binge drinking, but you can quit this for good. Many have felt just like you and just as low (if not lower). Breaking the cycle is hard at first but so worth it. You deserve a healthier, more meaningful life. Welcome aboard
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
Welcome Scared! First off, I'm so glad you found this place. It has changed my life and my perspective on recovery for the better.
What you described was me for years and almost became me again for a few months just recently. For years, I started slowly consuming more and more alcohol each night. At first with friends and then alone - always alone. At my worst, I was taking down half gallons of vodka within a matter of a few days. Sober days were rare and only happened when my body was at the brink of shutting down. Then, one day, I came here and realized I was not alone. Very, very much not alone.
As Dee said, I would suggest you see your doctor and then dive into here full force. You will see you are not alone and you will get lots of advice. Everyone is different so no one plan or program will work for everyone but you can learn a lot here and meet some very supportive people. My fight with alcoholism is a daily one but one worth fighting I have learned over the past year of ups and downs.
Welcome to the community! Stay close and maybe check out the 24 hour thread in the Daily Support area. It's always been very helpful for me as one of many tools to keep me on track.
What you described was me for years and almost became me again for a few months just recently. For years, I started slowly consuming more and more alcohol each night. At first with friends and then alone - always alone. At my worst, I was taking down half gallons of vodka within a matter of a few days. Sober days were rare and only happened when my body was at the brink of shutting down. Then, one day, I came here and realized I was not alone. Very, very much not alone.
As Dee said, I would suggest you see your doctor and then dive into here full force. You will see you are not alone and you will get lots of advice. Everyone is different so no one plan or program will work for everyone but you can learn a lot here and meet some very supportive people. My fight with alcoholism is a daily one but one worth fighting I have learned over the past year of ups and downs.
Welcome to the community! Stay close and maybe check out the 24 hour thread in the Daily Support area. It's always been very helpful for me as one of many tools to keep me on track.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Hey Scared
You need a strong dose of....
...support and kindness
From what I read, it seems you've been trying to white knuckle this alone. Kudos for trying but IMO to really get a leg up, you need support (which is why you're here). Stay close, post as much as you comfortably can and treat SR as your safe haven. We're all in this together !!
You need a strong dose of....
...support and kindness
From what I read, it seems you've been trying to white knuckle this alone. Kudos for trying but IMO to really get a leg up, you need support (which is why you're here). Stay close, post as much as you comfortably can and treat SR as your safe haven. We're all in this together !!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
Vodka was my drug of choice. Quit now before your pouring a couple of shots in your morning OJ to stop the shakes. Trust me it gets to this point before you even realize it happened.
It may not seem so now but life is so much better with a clear head. The cravings and anxiety subside with time.
Sort of common sense (I didn't have any). Not a good idea to take Ativan and drink vodka at the same time. (Not medical advice. Just a suggestion from my experience.)
Good Luck! You CAN do this!
It may not seem so now but life is so much better with a clear head. The cravings and anxiety subside with time.
Sort of common sense (I didn't have any). Not a good idea to take Ativan and drink vodka at the same time. (Not medical advice. Just a suggestion from my experience.)
Good Luck! You CAN do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 500
Welcome Scared! I could have written this post when I was drinking. Like Briar said, posting but reading other's posts. I think I read posts on SR a few months before I stopped completely when I became desperate. I can totally relate to your feeling overwhelmed by fear. It is scary at first because the idea of living your life without alcohol seems unimaginable. I used to say that I had earned my wine by the end of the day. But what really really helped when I quit was to read many books on what alcohol does to the body/mind. I find that even now when I'm feeling even in the least bit tempted I go back and read. The severe anxiety was what did it for me in the end. Keep posting on here, this place is amazing and you will get lots of support and advice.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Glad you are here - you've found a place that can lead to the gateway of sobriety.
A book myself and many others read states this:
Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
This is how I felt when I found a solution and a program of how to stay stopped. Between SR and f2f support with AA it has given me a chance with a plan of action for sobriety that can lead to recovery.
Willingness, acceptance and a plan are keys that get folks sober.
Most of us here regardless of their individual plan learn how to live for today and recognize the only period we don't drink for is 24 hours at a time. It really does work!!
Great people on SR with lots of experience , strength and hope!
Welcome
A book myself and many others read states this:
Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
This is how I felt when I found a solution and a program of how to stay stopped. Between SR and f2f support with AA it has given me a chance with a plan of action for sobriety that can lead to recovery.
Willingness, acceptance and a plan are keys that get folks sober.
Most of us here regardless of their individual plan learn how to live for today and recognize the only period we don't drink for is 24 hours at a time. It really does work!!
Great people on SR with lots of experience , strength and hope!
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I have found ativan can be super nasty.
And mixing it with drinking can be deadly. Look up the half life of the stuff.
I found out that I was drinking and had no idea I still had it in my system, cause I was used to opiates. Totally different.
Why not stop all this? Plenty of us have been there. We are not unique.this means you can do it too.
And mixing it with drinking can be deadly. Look up the half life of the stuff.
I found out that I was drinking and had no idea I still had it in my system, cause I was used to opiates. Totally different.
Why not stop all this? Plenty of us have been there. We are not unique.this means you can do it too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 158
I don't mix the two together. And I make a conscious effort not to have both in my system at the same time. I just want to stop all of it forever. But I know that inner voice telling me to pick up the bottle will be strong in a couple days like usual
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Scared1234! I'm glad you found SR. It's good to have you with us! Believe it or not you've already taken the first step towards getting your life back; acknowledging that you have a problem is necessary before you can do anything. All of us here have been in the situation you're in. It's scary!
The good news is there is hope! There's a path out of the maze of addiction.
The good news is there is hope! There's a path out of the maze of addiction.
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