anattaboy

Touchy situation. Kudo's for recognizing the weight of having an already-traumatized child to consider. I suppose we all want to hear more about YOUR plan to stay clean for YOU. That's all.

alphaomega

Hi buddy.

I can understand your sense of immediacy for wanting to jump in and have an "instant family - just add water." I really understand the appeal of that when you are childless and wanting to nurture. Makes perfect sense to me. Really. Seems almost like a gift from the universe.

That being said, you are driving on bald tires here. Both you and I know, no one can make us sober up but ourselves. I see the appeal to using this little guy as your "ah ha" moment. Your before and after. This could really be it once and for all kinda thinking. I'll get sober for him, we'll be a family and happily ever after and all that.

But, friend, it's been.......a month. A month. One teensy tiny little blip in the grande facade.

But again, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Could you actually move in reverse and become sober while you learn how to parent ? I know for me, parenting is a tough tough job, and honestly, it drove me to drink many times. And I love my child with every cell in my body, but it brings with it a whole host of stresses that quite frankly, I was profoundly ill prepared to deal with.

Coupled with the fact, his biological mother sounds like a whole bag of crazy. Selling her child ? Who even does that ? You'll be forever tethered to her because of that poor little boy.

This is a truly heavy heavy load you are thinking about carrying.

Tread lightly, please my friend.

XO AO

Carlotta

Your sister is absolutely right.

biminiblue

1. He's married.

2. You're lying to your potential mate (who you really don't have a future relationship with because #1.)


Both these things need to be solved before you even have a relationship.

Try18

Your sister is spot on.

I would suggest looking at your own addiction first and foremost. Alcoholism is no better or worse than addiction to heroin. Judging this woman is doing you no favours. And no matter the situation, they are her children. There are social services etc that should be stepping in here. Not you. They are not your babies and transferring them from a home with heroin addiction for one rife with alcoholism is simply swapping one evil for another.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you seem preoccupied with being a mother to someone else's children, as opposed to your own recovery. Unless you are sober,you have nothing to offer those children.

Nuudawn

Geez woman that hit me like a ton o' bricks (sorry to hijack Melina). That analogy is perfect.

And ya know what is super odd? You're gonna love this AO as I'm sure you are familiar with the work of Louise Hay.


I have been driving on bald tires until JUST before my move. My last brief relationship that caused me such grief and show me how unready I am for relationship? Well, he had actually did some research for me on replacement tire pricing. Holy cow! I got the new tires and skedaddled north.

Melina

Thank you, everyone.

That was a huge serving of badly needed perspective in all the replies.

Thank you all so much. Everyone is right. My sister nailed it and I totally agree with her. You all brought it home to me with your excellent points.

I can't do anything until I get sober. I feel like if I started helping with this kid, it would replace the actual work I've been avoiding of cleaning up my own life. Ridiculous.

I have a lot of work to do. I think I need some therapy, and I'm going to start going to meetings again. If I can't get some sober time together, that will tell me a lot about what to do next.

Also, I'm going to talk to this man tonight and tell him everything. I have to put on my own oxygen mask before trying to save others.

I also shouldn't judge her by her addiction. Whoever mentioned that is right. I'm a hot mess 'just' addicted to alcohol.

Thanks again, everyone, I really needed to hear all this.

Best,
Melina

Impurrfect

Melina - I'm glad you are listening to the great people here.

FWIW, I'm both an RA and a recovering codependent. I've worked hard in both my recoveries.

I cannot be a help to someone who is dysfunctional, be it addiction or codependency if they don't want to hear what I have to say.

I cannot be help to anyone if I don't have my own recovery in priority position.

I've dealt with a child who was in the mix of all this. She and I really don't speak, now, but in her heart I know that she sees me as the person who got clean and in recovery, when most of her loved ones let her down. She loves me, but she is torn and I'm willing to let her learn from her own consequences, just like I did.

Step one - get yourself in recovery. Check out the friends & families forum. It's not a bad thing to be a double whinner with addiction and codpendency.

Put the child first. I cannot express this enough. My niece, who is like my child, has been through addiction, codependency in extreme amounts. I can't undo what she was taught, but I can be the person she looks to in recovery.

I couldn't do this if I weren't working my own recovery. Got to put the oxygen mask on myself before I can help anyone else.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

tomsteve

I encourage you even after removing the oxygen mask to not try saving anyone.

AnvilheadII

do you know for an absolute FACT that his WIFE is all she says she is and their relationship is as disintegrated as he SAYS it is? cuz if she's as bad as he claims, he should have already taken the child from the situation. you may have known him for some time now but it is only recently that you have developed something ELSE.

as others have said, you are in no position right now to do more than work on getting YOU sober. and then staying that way. there really is nothing else as important. otherwise it's not approving of the color of the neighbor's house while you're own is ON FIRE.

Chillly

If he's known you for five years and is interested in perpetuating a positive relationship with you, then that tells me that you are not in a huge time crunch right now..
I know you want to strike while the iron's hot, but be calm.. relax... and breathe..