Is life passing me by - a young recovering alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 1
Is life passing me by - a young recovering alcoholic
Hi all
Apologies for making my first post one in which I express an issue instead of a proper introduction. But to get that one out of the way, I am a (relatively) young, if 29 can be considered young, recovering alcoholic living in South Africa.
I've been sober now for the past two months and loving it. I got into a programme and am working the steps with my sponsor. I've had a decade's worth of mistakes pile up but compared to some people my age and younger in the programme I am relatively unscathed save for some bad debt and poor career choices - though I've been honored in my work by my peers.
I guess my main issue in recovery has been this feeling of missing out on life. Part of recovery means discovering yourself in a sober light - and my psychologist said to me that now that I am sober I have to discover the great person I was before alcohol. The thing is I don't know if I ever was a great person, or interesting.
I know most in recovery used alcohol as a crutch for social anxieties and such. And now that it's no longer there you're meant to leap into the fellowship and make friends there. I kinda miss my old mates and it feels like my social circle and life has shrunk more than expanded now that I am working on my recovery. I was seeing someone before I got into recovery and I told her about my battles with alcohol, in fact when things got to a head she broke up with me and told me to get back into the programme before she'd ever talk to me again.
I feel like I'm missing out on so much trying to live sober: I can barely be around people and alcohol for more than 30 minutes before I stammer out an excuse and leave parties, housewarmings or dinners. I can't date because I have to be in the programme for more than a year before I can do that and it sucks. It feels lonely, and no amount of meetings can fill the void of going home to an empty apartment knowing that if I attempt a relationship again it'll either crumble on my anxieties or my sobriety might fall out the window.
I want to be married, I want to be with someone and enjoy life and I've tried filling it with positive things like exercising, religion and volunteering again but it still feels moot.
Am I going insane? Please help.
Apologies for making my first post one in which I express an issue instead of a proper introduction. But to get that one out of the way, I am a (relatively) young, if 29 can be considered young, recovering alcoholic living in South Africa.
I've been sober now for the past two months and loving it. I got into a programme and am working the steps with my sponsor. I've had a decade's worth of mistakes pile up but compared to some people my age and younger in the programme I am relatively unscathed save for some bad debt and poor career choices - though I've been honored in my work by my peers.
I guess my main issue in recovery has been this feeling of missing out on life. Part of recovery means discovering yourself in a sober light - and my psychologist said to me that now that I am sober I have to discover the great person I was before alcohol. The thing is I don't know if I ever was a great person, or interesting.
I know most in recovery used alcohol as a crutch for social anxieties and such. And now that it's no longer there you're meant to leap into the fellowship and make friends there. I kinda miss my old mates and it feels like my social circle and life has shrunk more than expanded now that I am working on my recovery. I was seeing someone before I got into recovery and I told her about my battles with alcohol, in fact when things got to a head she broke up with me and told me to get back into the programme before she'd ever talk to me again.
I feel like I'm missing out on so much trying to live sober: I can barely be around people and alcohol for more than 30 minutes before I stammer out an excuse and leave parties, housewarmings or dinners. I can't date because I have to be in the programme for more than a year before I can do that and it sucks. It feels lonely, and no amount of meetings can fill the void of going home to an empty apartment knowing that if I attempt a relationship again it'll either crumble on my anxieties or my sobriety might fall out the window.
I want to be married, I want to be with someone and enjoy life and I've tried filling it with positive things like exercising, religion and volunteering again but it still feels moot.
Am I going insane? Please help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum kennedyA!! 
Life was passing me by when I was drinking, rather than the other way around, I used to drink my nights away and miss out on so much due to hangovers, it certainly wasn't living life to the full.
The thing though I had to realise was that being Sober didn't mean continuing on with the same life, of course "parties, housewarmings or dinners" are going to be different, but that's where we need to expand and develop our social circle, those that don't put alcohol at the centre of their social life!!
I am 31 years old and it's one of those ages that I spent so much time drinking in my 20s that I didn't build any new interests or anything in my social life of any substance, I simply drank those years away, and so expecting to have an activity/hobby filled life overnight is not going to happen, it's going take time to build a new life!!
With new activities, will come new people, with new people that can lead to a relationship, but Rome wasn't built in a day as they say!!
Hang in there!!
Life was passing me by when I was drinking, rather than the other way around, I used to drink my nights away and miss out on so much due to hangovers, it certainly wasn't living life to the full.
The thing though I had to realise was that being Sober didn't mean continuing on with the same life, of course "parties, housewarmings or dinners" are going to be different, but that's where we need to expand and develop our social circle, those that don't put alcohol at the centre of their social life!!
I am 31 years old and it's one of those ages that I spent so much time drinking in my 20s that I didn't build any new interests or anything in my social life of any substance, I simply drank those years away, and so expecting to have an activity/hobby filled life overnight is not going to happen, it's going take time to build a new life!!
With new activities, will come new people, with new people that can lead to a relationship, but Rome wasn't built in a day as they say!!
Hang in there!!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
KA - two months is terrific!
Well struck!
Simply, it takes time to make real friends and relationships in sobriety. The friends you do make will be genuine and true. I know how you feel about your pals - I found I had to change the people and surroundings I hung out with/at.
I just started hanging out more after meetings and found usually somebody wants to eat or go for coffee. This was new to me, but I had to reach out and ask. Felt weird but am developing a pretty good sandbox now at 5 months.
Different , but good! I am glad you posted this cause responding made me see how far I've come in a short period. We will both get there! I think after around 12 months having a group of sober friends will come easier.
R there clubs you might consider??
Fly
Well struck!
Simply, it takes time to make real friends and relationships in sobriety. The friends you do make will be genuine and true. I know how you feel about your pals - I found I had to change the people and surroundings I hung out with/at.
I just started hanging out more after meetings and found usually somebody wants to eat or go for coffee. This was new to me, but I had to reach out and ask. Felt weird but am developing a pretty good sandbox now at 5 months.
Different , but good! I am glad you posted this cause responding made me see how far I've come in a short period. We will both get there! I think after around 12 months having a group of sober friends will come easier.
R there clubs you might consider??
Fly
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
you sound like your in some kind of hurry to me ka
slow it down its not a race : )
2 months is great in terms of staying sober but its just the start to learning how to live life sober
i was around aa for 2 years feeling like i was missing out more so as i had no partner i had my kids at home to look after but i was missing those moments like bed time behaviour ; )
so i hit on a idea i would find myself a women as i felt sure i was now a new changed man
( look out world here comes desy with a good idea )
so i dated some ladys from online, i fell in love with them almost imdediatley that is until they were not doing the things i wanted them to do for me
i never knew i was like this i honestly thought i was an ok guy and i am so long as i get my own way lol
i soon learned from mistakes and pain that i had a long way to go before i could truely let people be themselves around me
to get there it takes a long time sadly well for me it did and i can still behave badly at times with wanting to get my own way
but thankfully its no were near as bad as i once was
this what we mean when we talk about learning how to live a good sober life rather than living a sober life but not changing or facing up to ourselves
your not missing out on anything your 29 now and have all the time in the world for things in life to open up for you
just dont rush it learn to enjoy being on your own first before diving into a relationship as if your anything like me you would only be doing it to end your bordom of being on your own
give time time my friend and it will all come good in the end : )
slow it down its not a race : )
2 months is great in terms of staying sober but its just the start to learning how to live life sober
i was around aa for 2 years feeling like i was missing out more so as i had no partner i had my kids at home to look after but i was missing those moments like bed time behaviour ; )
so i hit on a idea i would find myself a women as i felt sure i was now a new changed man
( look out world here comes desy with a good idea )
so i dated some ladys from online, i fell in love with them almost imdediatley that is until they were not doing the things i wanted them to do for me
i never knew i was like this i honestly thought i was an ok guy and i am so long as i get my own way lol
i soon learned from mistakes and pain that i had a long way to go before i could truely let people be themselves around me
to get there it takes a long time sadly well for me it did and i can still behave badly at times with wanting to get my own way
but thankfully its no were near as bad as i once was
this what we mean when we talk about learning how to live a good sober life rather than living a sober life but not changing or facing up to ourselves
your not missing out on anything your 29 now and have all the time in the world for things in life to open up for you
just dont rush it learn to enjoy being on your own first before diving into a relationship as if your anything like me you would only be doing it to end your bordom of being on your own
give time time my friend and it will all come good in the end : )
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey kennedyA, a big welcome!!! Well done with the two months as well.
I can appreciate what you are going through. When I stopped, I was very lost. I had no idea of what to do for any type of a social life, as everything else was centered around having a drink (and many more). My friends stopped asking me to go out, which I understand. Being one of those 'sober' guys does not always make you the popular fun one. In fact, this has been my biggest obstacle.
As time went on, I began to discover other activities. I think you will, as well, in time.
The key is to reinvent yourself in some way. It will be different for everybody. You'll have to find something else that you can really enjoy, where booze has no place. That's just the price people like us have to pay, as we're just wired differently.
I think you'll find this site very helpful, as there's a lot of support. I do hope to see you around.
Lusher
I kinda miss my old mates and it feels like my social circle and life has shrunk more...
As time went on, I began to discover other activities. I think you will, as well, in time.
The key is to reinvent yourself in some way. It will be different for everybody. You'll have to find something else that you can really enjoy, where booze has no place. That's just the price people like us have to pay, as we're just wired differently.
I think you'll find this site very helpful, as there's a lot of support. I do hope to see you around.
Lusher
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
