Warning! Proceed with caution......
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
Warning! Proceed with caution......
Now that my dating relationship is over with the xabf , I'm trying to look back and be totally honest with myself about how many warning signs I saw but chose to ignore and how many I didn't see.
I'm looking for honest insight from alcoholics that are/have been dating
And from those that have/are dating an alcoholic.
For the addict:
1) What were some of the warning signs your significant other should have picked up on?
a. What were the results of those warning signs?
2) Did you deliberately try to sabotage dating relationships? If yes -why? If not, could you tell you were sabotaging the relationship?
3) What did you get out of the relationship?
a. What were you hoping to get?
4) Did you respect the person you were dating?
a. Did you believe the other person respected you?
For the Non-Addict:
1) Did you see any warning signs?
a. How many dates did it take before you started to wonder if there was a problem?
b. Did you question them,confront, gloss over, make excuses?
c. Did you set boundaries?
2) How did they hurt you the most? physically, emotionally, mentally, etc....
a. What addictive traits hurt you the most?
3) Did you think you could help/save them?
4) Did you decide to stay or leave the relationship?
I'm looking for honest insight from alcoholics that are/have been dating
And from those that have/are dating an alcoholic.
For the addict:
1) What were some of the warning signs your significant other should have picked up on?
a. What were the results of those warning signs?
2) Did you deliberately try to sabotage dating relationships? If yes -why? If not, could you tell you were sabotaging the relationship?
3) What did you get out of the relationship?
a. What were you hoping to get?
4) Did you respect the person you were dating?
a. Did you believe the other person respected you?
For the Non-Addict:
1) Did you see any warning signs?
a. How many dates did it take before you started to wonder if there was a problem?
b. Did you question them,confront, gloss over, make excuses?
c. Did you set boundaries?
2) How did they hurt you the most? physically, emotionally, mentally, etc....
a. What addictive traits hurt you the most?
3) Did you think you could help/save them?
4) Did you decide to stay or leave the relationship?
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You might want to check out the Friends & Families forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by doureallycare2 
No takers. Interesting
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think you can necessarily separate the alcoholism from the personality defects in your case - or in most cases. (I've followed your threads).
Alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and controlling and selfish - that much is pretty common. I don't think I purposely set out to sabotage relationships, but I certainly only had eyes for me and my needs. I think that started way before my alcoholism, though. I think I was born with that, or at the least raised in a home that modeled that kind of behavior/entitlement. The flip side to this problem is that this behavior often gets us what we want. When it works, why abandon it?
It becomes extreme when fueled by alcohol because the alcohol creates exaggerated false bravado and delusional grandiosity.
Alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and controlling and selfish - that much is pretty common. I don't think I purposely set out to sabotage relationships, but I certainly only had eyes for me and my needs. I think that started way before my alcoholism, though. I think I was born with that, or at the least raised in a home that modeled that kind of behavior/entitlement. The flip side to this problem is that this behavior often gets us what we want. When it works, why abandon it?
It becomes extreme when fueled by alcohol because the alcohol creates exaggerated false bravado and delusional grandiosity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I have played this game from both sides of the coin.
In BOTH cases, it all came down to my low self worth and desire for love.
In BOTH cases, it all came down to my low self worth and desire for love.
If you're interested, Melody Beattie & Pia Mellody both have brilliant books on co-dependency & love addiction. They answer all of theses questions & more as well as teach you how to love & respect yourself first.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 371
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I don't think you can necessarily separate the alcoholism from the personality defects in your case - or in most cases. (I've followed your threads).
Alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and controlling and selfish - that much is pretty common. I don't think I purposely set out to sabotage relationships, but I certainly only had eyes for me and my needs. I think that started way before my alcoholism, though. I think I was born with that, or at the least raised in a home that modeled that kind of behavior/entitlement. The flip side to this problem is that this behavior often gets us what we want. When it works, why abandon it?
It becomes extreme when fueled by alcohol because the alcohol creates exaggerated false bravado and delusional grandiosity.
Alcoholics tend to be narcissistic and controlling and selfish - that much is pretty common. I don't think I purposely set out to sabotage relationships, but I certainly only had eyes for me and my needs. I think that started way before my alcoholism, though. I think I was born with that, or at the least raised in a home that modeled that kind of behavior/entitlement. The flip side to this problem is that this behavior often gets us what we want. When it works, why abandon it?
It becomes extreme when fueled by alcohol because the alcohol creates exaggerated false bravado and delusional grandiosity.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Respectfully, I don't think you'll find any 'magic bullet' answers this way either. I could write pages and pages and pages of response and then they'd be subjective to my interpretation and yours. Neither relationships or addiction effects can be reduced to a multiple choice test or flowchart. 
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by foolsgold66
Respectfully, I don't think you'll find any 'magic bullet' answers this way either. I could write pages and pages and pages of response and then they'd be subjective to my interpretation and yours. Neither relationships or addiction effects can be reduced to a multiple choice test or flowchart.
Time and support...help tons.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi, I do understand your trying to investigate this analytically, I tend to do the same with most things in life. But like foolsgold pointed out, we can neither recover from an addiction nor help someone else recover from it, with pure analytical tools and understanding. I have to tell you that the most significant relationship in my life so far was with another alcoholic (I am one, too). We did not know about each-others' drinking problem when we met, and my problem was much less at start... it progressed rapidly while with him. This is not saying he made it worse, it was just the nature of my progression. We started drinking together quite soon, and then were always open about it. After ~2 years doing this, things got much worse... I wanted us to try to get sober together, but he did not want to. So I didn't either, for many more years.
What did we get out of it? I think many people might say the love story of the century (not knowing how messed up we could be at times)...it started out as almost some sort of "psychic" connection, but it was much more a fantasy life than normal everyday reality with viable practical implications as well. Oh, we had huge dreams, about our future... really big ones, like working together, fighting for the same mission, moving to a new city (or country) and starting over, it was ~3 years packed with fantasy. Kinda tried to make it happen, but none of us had the necessary discipline to embark on such big projects in real life. So all of it disintegrated slowly, but we really tried to hold onto it very hard.
Respect? I think for many years, were were the most important person in the universe, mutually. Definitely no lack of respect. But there was a lot of anger in the end, when we saw that none of those big plans were realized. I started plotting my solo escape instead... and left, but we still stayed glued to each-other in the virtual world for a long time. Continued the fantasy life, just none of us truly believed in it anymore.
I described this relationship in all sorts of ways, from him being the love of my life, to complete insanity, to a severe addiction much like alcohol itself... does not matter what we call it. I definitely think that we loved each-other deeply and it was a wildly intense relationship with levels of intimacy I never experienced either before or after. But not a viable relationship for long-term practical reality. There was no abuse in any form, we just abused our lives in a way.
This experience has definitely affected both of us far beyond our time together, mentally.
What did we get out of it? I think many people might say the love story of the century (not knowing how messed up we could be at times)...it started out as almost some sort of "psychic" connection, but it was much more a fantasy life than normal everyday reality with viable practical implications as well. Oh, we had huge dreams, about our future... really big ones, like working together, fighting for the same mission, moving to a new city (or country) and starting over, it was ~3 years packed with fantasy. Kinda tried to make it happen, but none of us had the necessary discipline to embark on such big projects in real life. So all of it disintegrated slowly, but we really tried to hold onto it very hard.
Respect? I think for many years, were were the most important person in the universe, mutually. Definitely no lack of respect. But there was a lot of anger in the end, when we saw that none of those big plans were realized. I started plotting my solo escape instead... and left, but we still stayed glued to each-other in the virtual world for a long time. Continued the fantasy life, just none of us truly believed in it anymore.
I described this relationship in all sorts of ways, from him being the love of my life, to complete insanity, to a severe addiction much like alcohol itself... does not matter what we call it. I definitely think that we loved each-other deeply and it was a wildly intense relationship with levels of intimacy I never experienced either before or after. But not a viable relationship for long-term practical reality. There was no abuse in any form, we just abused our lives in a way.
This experience has definitely affected both of us far beyond our time together, mentally.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Performing an autopsy on a relationship, I believe, offers nothing but frustration and prolonged heartbreak. It's also a good way to tear yourself apart. Yet involving ourselves in such an activity also signals a phase of the grieving process, managing heartbreak through understanding, and a defense in the service of "never being hurt like that again."
My experience has been that, when I learn something about myself -- things that I like or things that I don't like and would only to that point see in others -- I often associate it with things that went wrong in past relationships, weeks, months, years after the actual breakup. "Oh. So that's what happened." And this process is not at all limited to romantic relationships. I don't believe that this is a unique process, though many of us may not be fully conscious of it when it happens.
Understanding and knowledge are virtually powerless when it comes to matters of the heart. Both are limited while the yearnings of the heart know no boundaries. We can no sooner resurrect a dead relationship and bring it back to "the way it was" than we can will ourselves to be someone we were back in the good old days. The past lives only in our memories.
Of course, when we insist on rekindling a flame buried deep below the ocean, with the goal of making things as they were, what we end up with is a Frankenstein relationship that is both a danger to our well-being and beyond our ability to control it in the ways we hoped we could.
My experience has been that, when I learn something about myself -- things that I like or things that I don't like and would only to that point see in others -- I often associate it with things that went wrong in past relationships, weeks, months, years after the actual breakup. "Oh. So that's what happened." And this process is not at all limited to romantic relationships. I don't believe that this is a unique process, though many of us may not be fully conscious of it when it happens.
Understanding and knowledge are virtually powerless when it comes to matters of the heart. Both are limited while the yearnings of the heart know no boundaries. We can no sooner resurrect a dead relationship and bring it back to "the way it was" than we can will ourselves to be someone we were back in the good old days. The past lives only in our memories.
Of course, when we insist on rekindling a flame buried deep below the ocean, with the goal of making things as they were, what we end up with is a Frankenstein relationship that is both a danger to our well-being and beyond our ability to control it in the ways we hoped we could.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
My experience has been that, when I learn something about myself -- things that I like or things that I don't like and would only to that point see in others -- I often associate it with things that went wrong in past relationships, weeks, months, years after the actual breakup.
What I meant to add: I personally tend to find a balanced dose of "dissection" of my relationships (both in the present while they are happening and in retrospect) and the emerging knowledge very useful, when it's combined with a healthy level of letting my emotions and instincts guide me without overload... all this together. Maybe it's not a general phenomenon, but I find it really does help me make good decisions and avoid repeating the same mistake over and over. Especially when the emotional and instinctual drive are obviously pushing me into the wrong direction, into dangerous or potentially dangerous, impulsive, etc decisions. When/if I did not let the lessons from my past and my rational processes drive my actions in these situations, I would find myself sometimes falling back into destructive acts over and over... and it did happen. So in this context, it is true that the rationality is a defense... but I think in a healthy dose, it serves literally as a healthy defense against my most basal instincts and desires.
So for the topic of this thread, I think that for someone who had troubles and difficulties from a past relationship with an active addict, a healthy dose of detachment and rational decision making is a wise thing to do. Learning to recognize signs of potential too high risk in advance, and learning from other people's experiences also. Otherwise we would never learn from our own experiences and suffering and the information available to us via other people.
The important thing, in my opinion, is balance and finding the optimal type of judgment... like with everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New york
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by haennie
Especially when the emotional and instinctual drive are obviously pushing me into the wrong direction, into dangerous or potentially dangerous, impulsive, etc decisions. When/if I did not let the lessons from my past and my rational processes drive my actions in these situations, I would find myself sometimes falling back into destructive acts over and over... and it did happen. So in this context, it is true that the rationality is a defense... but I think in a healthy dose, it serves literally as a healthy defense against my most basal instincts and desires.
.
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I know I tend to over analyze. I am very analytical and yes I want answers, I want difinitive answers. However, I do know that in life that's not always possible. Knowing this, my goal is to give myself as much knowledge as possible. Not only about myself and my "triggers". But knowledge about the types of people I find myself drawn to. And yes, that seems to be addictive personalities.
Thank you for your insight. I appriciate all responses.
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