foolsgold66

I've had the thoughts, while they never got to serious, they are irrational. Who knows what joy remains to be had in life that could be missed? Everyone has days that suck, everyone. Remember that.

PickleMan

Yeah, definitely. I am willing to take anything. I am going to be doing a good amount of applications this week. I am hoping with it being the holidays that I can at least get in somewhere on a seasonal basis and prove myself to be a good employee and manage to stay on with the company

I am supposed to be getting some help getting my license as well, so that will help with job opportunities. A lot of jobs require a driver's license

PickleMan

Thanks for talking everyone

I have to get myself ready to go to my meeting and hang out with my sponsor for a little bit, then I will be back later this afternoon/ this evening

I will likely check back in tonight, if not tomorrow.

1 day at a time.

least

I used to have thoughts of suicide when I was so deep into my addiction. Drinking only fueled the despair and made my life seem worse than it was.

After I got sober I could see things more clearly and realized that I didn't want to die. I went to counseling and that helped a lot.

Overit23

Sorry for your pain Pickle I can share with you I am on the other end dealing with an AH and two kids who are addicts because of it. Change needs to happen in a positive way...your significant other has choices: she can get support or she can leave. By support
she can go to counseling, Al Anon, counselor, SR, friends, and church or all of the above.
Same hold true for you Pickle you need support and caring...sounds like you beat yourself up enough you don't need someone else doing it for you. SR, other support groups, counseling, friends, and church can help...
When I first came here Pickle I thought all was lost...all I needed was for my AH to stop drinking. However, I realized I needed to change...and I am...we go to marriage counseling, my son has stopped using goes to counseling, (this is his 5th attempt), goes to Al Anon, got rid of all druggie friends and going to church...You also Pickle have helped me Pickle better understand your thoughts and feelings that you struggle with. so you are helping me better understand how an addict thinks. So in your own way Pickle you have helped me and my family begin to heal. You even chatted with my son one night...so Pickle I want to take the time to say thank you~
Belief in self is greater than disbelief in from others...

PickleMan

Please dont disrespect my significant other, she has been through a lot in dealing with me and my addiction

ArtFriend

Who was disrespecting your SO?

EndGameNYC

Killing yourself is the most unsatisfying and hurtful way of getting your SO (and yourself) to stop tearing into you. If you agree that you've hurt her badly, what do you imagine you'll have done to her were you to take your own life?

A word of caution: What I'm reading is that you're minimizing your suicidal thoughts with comments such as "I am not like on the verge of doing it. It just enters my head every time I have a relapse." What are perceived as passive suicidal thoughts can change rapidly and, like a rip tide, pull us towards first planning and then committing the act.

Your OP tells a different story, one that you don't take seriously in your follow-up comments.

Pay attention to yourself, and take the appropriate actions to get help. Neither SR nor the rest of the world needs another suicide.

WritingFromLife

Pickle--people commit suicide to end their pain. They believe it is the only way. It's not. You may feel as if your "rubber band" has stretched little by little to breaking point...that's an illusion. It's all an illusion. If you could only see what you can have, and you CAN see by holding on through the darkness, you will come out shining, better than the time before addiction took over. And you can use the new wisdom, the new you, because through these dark times, our purpose and passion is discovered. You gotta get through this painful hallway first. It's the last couple of miles of the marathon.

If there is a Crisis Hotline in your area, PLEASE utilize it. If you feel yourself getting closer to hurting yourself, CALL 911 ASAP.

Big warm hugs from someone who has been there. Don't do it...you have a large life to live once you get over this hump.

PS--looking at your picture, I see a very happy smile. Whether you feel it or not, it's in you. Don't let it go.

Anna

Pickle, do what is necessary for yourself to get through this crisis.

We are here for you and will offer as much support as we can, but use the phone #'s or go to an ER if necessary.

ImperfectlyMe

Pickle, I'm very sorry you are feeling so tortured. Maybe if I share with you what I'm living through you might see a little more clearly. My father killed himself less than a month ago. I know he hoped he'd end his pain and suffering, but what really happened is all that was compounded and thrown onto those of us who truly loved him.

The impending doom that he lived with daily, is now my actual business, as the administer to the estate of. And what I can tell you is that in less than a month I've pretty much sorted through ALL of it. This didn't have to happen my dad didn't have to kill himself. There were many people willing to help and listen, but he couldn't see that. I hope you can. And I hope you get help. You are very much worth living for!!!

Please take care of yourself, you only get one chance. You don't want to die you just don't want to hurt. But suicide doesn't equal no hurt, fixing you does. Suicide is a scar I will carry for the rest of my life!

MavisTheFairy13

((((hugs)))) PickleMan - go and see your doctor and tell them about your thoughts of self harm.
I took an overdose 9 years ago. Not drink related but due to depression and things that were going on in my life at the time. My family and husband were shocked and devastated. Things were so bad that I would wake up every morning and wish that I hadn't. I just wanted it to be over, I was so tired of fighting and struggling through life and really didn't think there was any point. Now I have a four year old son who is my whole world and I am so thankful that I didn't succeed in my suicide attempt.

My uncle committed suicide, also one of my husbands uncles. Their families never got over it. I know how hard it is and I do feel your pain but ending your life is not the answer. Things will get better. Just get some help for how you are feeling as well as for the addiction. You can come through this

Wastinglife

I have been really miserable and depressed at times during my struggle with alcoholism. I never thought of suicide but I have thought about dropping out of my life and going away forever. I fancy myself opening a bait shop on beach somewhere far away from the stresses of daily life. I sounds like you just need change to your life. No need to end it!

SoberLife90

Pickleman...there's been tines in my life where I felt my addictions were getting the best of me but suicide is not the answer. Maybe after you get a little sobriety you can see all the good things in life that are worth living for. We all have problems with addiction...but we all don't have to drink or do drugs. I would hate to hear something happened to you because we can beat our addictions. The one way is complete abstinence pickleman. Today I am an alcoholic/drug addict...but those drugs ain't got spit in me today. Hang in there pickleman we all care about you. Like someone said suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You wouldn't just be hurting yourself with a decision like that.

SoberComposer

I think you will feel much better when you find a job. For me, alcohol just intensifies anything depressing. Making it overwhelming and near-impossible to see hope. Good luck and get help if you edge closer to it. Much love Brother

Lusher

Hey PickleMan, I just wanted to throw out some support too.

I wish you well in the job search. I know keeping busy / occupied, especially when a person is just starting to confront their own demon, is key. So hopefully something will come through for you. And as mentioned a few times in here, there are many resources out there for you as well.

Life can certainly suck at times, but as you, yourself, stated:

Quote:

1 day at a time.

This is a place where we can share our pains, struggles, frustrations and the like, and if we're lucky, even our success stories. I hope that once you get your arms around your demon, you'll share your success story too.

Hang in there and come here often, as there's a lot of support all around.

MythOfSisyphus

If you mean intellectually I think many if not most of us have. Nietzsche once wrote, “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” I think in a morbid, warped way this is true. We know that we have that "out" and it's a dark comfort even though we don't want to do it.

I used to have thoughts of suicide in years past. It's hard to explain but as I get older I realize there's no point to it. We're creatures of a day, time will take of it on its own. I don't mean that to sound depressing, it's a good kind of fatalism. The end may be preordained but that gives us freedom to do what we want with the time we have.

Hang in there, PickleMan. Bad times don't last, change is always on the horizon.