Stayingsober72

I also posted this in the AA forum
Hi, I joined AA almost three weeks ago and it is definitely instrumental in my sobriety. I have a sponsor and she is very very nice. However, she has a very dogmatic adherence to the big book and every time I question something, she tells me to "keep it simple" and not to "overthink things." I understand not overthinking things to the point of criticism or obsession, but as a thinker and long time student I think it's natural to think critically about subjects and out of that thinking comes enlightenment and greater understanding. I think that any time I am told not to think it's a big red flag. Any thoughts? I might have to change sponsors if I can't get a response other than "don't question the big book because it has helped so many people as it is written." I'm not trying to rewrite the big book. Weight Watchers has also helped millions of people and saved lives but that doesn't mean I'm not going to question some of its tenants. Thank you for reading this.

Hawks

I struggled with exactly the same stuff a few months ago.

I came to realise that I was looking a gift horse squarely in the mouth.

If you would agree that you opened enough cans of whoop-ass on yourself in your drinking days ?? (God knows I did)

From someone who nearly opened that same can on himself in early sobriety .... "Think well before opening" would be my advice.

Stayingsober72

Thanks Hawks. I just really question things when I'm told not to think about them. Not thinking about my drinking contributed to my downward spiral. I find healthy inquiry to any philosophy to be just that. Anyone who tells you not to think about what they are offering you as a way of life suggests a cult mindset to me.

Joe Nerv

The Bigbook direction are simple and concise. For me they were a springboard to much, much more. My homegroup was a Bigbook meeting for 5 years. I learned a whole lot more sitting in that chair every wednesday night than what the BB alone had to offer. I learned a whole lot more going to step meetings also, and being guided by my first sponsor who didn't do the steps as outlined in the book. Years later I did them "the book" way, because I'm a perfectionist ... But anyhow...

I think ya have 2 choices. Stick with your sponsor, accept the way she's guiding you, and search for answers to your questions in other ways - or - find a sponsor who's a better fit. If you choose the former I highly recommend hitting lots of BB and step meetings, as I did. There are also a lot of books and literature written on the steps. In early sobriety I found a book called The Twelve Steps to Happiness (by Joe Klass) really helpful. It's been edited and added to since I first read it, and goes a little over the top now at times, but it has a lot of really thought provoking ideas and really sticks to the 12 steps as they were written. This forum is great place to air your questions also. You'll get lots of different opinions from lots of people with lots of experience.

Wishin ya the best .

Hawks

I know, I felt the same.

You have an overwhelming amount of choice in every other aspect of life.

Food, non alcoholic beverages, restaurants, cafes, shops, clothing, shoes, jewellery, hobbies, holiday destinations.... The list could be increased ad infinitum almost.

Your sponsor (I hope) won't try to dictate anything else in your life.

But maybe it's a good idea to let them dictate how to get sober.

I figured out plenty of stuff for myself all my life, I could not figure out how to get or stay sober.

So I asked someone who hasn't drank for ten years how he did it and decided not to argue with him when he told me (still is telling me in fact)

If you could conjure up Claude Monet to give you a lesson in impressionist painting...... Would you try to tell him how to paint??

Stayingsober72

Hi Hawks, no I wouldn't question him on how. But there would be lots of questions as to why he went about certain things in a certain way. That would help me to understand more.

Hawks

Well... I have a sponsor, grand sponsor, great grand sponsor and great great grand sponsor.

No I'm not kidding.

Ten, twenty, thirty and forty two years sober.

GGGS has been sober longer than I've been alive.

So, I can see how each of them has pretty much passed on how they were sponsored.

In a similar fashion... Why does a builder, build a house like he does? He was once an apprentice.
He apprenticed under someone, who apprenticed under some one else and so on.

Stayingsober72

Yes Hawks and that's cool. But I'm sure somewhere along the line those apprentices had questions regarding the process, and perhaps were even able to add something beneficial to the process. I don't do things blindly just because I'm told "well, that's the way my sponsor did it, and my grand sponsor, and my great grand sponsor, so this is the way we do it."(yes, I was told that.) that doesn't answer anything as to why or how it came to be, or why and how it works, etc. it is never wrong to have an inquiring mind, particularly when it comes to something so important as choosing a way of thinking and living. Thank you for your input it is appreciated.

Trent

The 12 Steps are Suggestions to Recovery. Members experiences and recommended suggestions are helpful sometimes, and sometimes not in an individual's case. I would suggest talk to your higher power (who I hope is God as the Big Book States) and ask him to lead you to positive people. The objective to recovery is to recover from mind altering drugs/alcohol, Clean up the past the best you can, and apply the 12 steps in creating a new life style. Some things have changed in our day that we need to look at for adjustments in our time to meet challenges in our modern lifestyles. If you consistently seek the program with willingness to advance into a positive living style, you will experience a Spiritual Awakening. Alcohol is only a symptom of much more serious inner problems within your mind, body, and spiritual condition. Be patient and just take it one day at a time. You never got where you are overnight, you won't change overnight either. This program is progressive, "one brick at a time"...your'e on your way....don't stop....your addiction will be waiting on you to take back control if you stop.

hokey

Thinking the way I used to think got me where I am today ... I, personally, needed a new way of thinking. I, too, overanalyze everything and have a need to understand everything inside,out, and backwards. I had to accept that "my" way wasn't working for me and that perhaps my sponsor's way might be a better solution ... that is why I have her as a sponsor, after all. Keeping things simple has been good advice for me, it has made my chaotic life a lot more pleasant.

FreeOwl

I have a great friend and mentor who helped me see that we alcoholics are masters at thinking our way back to a drink.

Perhaps you might try writing your questions down. Start a sobriety journal and let a section of it be dedicated to questioning. When you find something arising that is difficult or troubling - write it down in the questions section and then set it aside. Don't try to 'figure it out'. Be willing to give it some time.

I suggest this because for years I managed to think my way back to drinking and over time discovered that many of my resistance points were of my own making. Maybe if you could 'park' your questions for a while you could feel OK about letting go and keeping it simple for a while to see what happens.

I promise that being willing to not over think and giving the program a chance will not turn you into a mindless cult-following lobotomized zombie.

Another suggestion to consider; if you find yourself questioning, turn the questioning on YOU. 'Interesting... I am resisting and questioning. Why? What is it about this thing that is causing me to react without acceptance? Am I trying in my own way to 'beat' AA? Am I trying to prove I'm not an alcoholic? Am I struggling with humility?' When it comes to this sort of self-targeted questioning I say question away!! Brutal honesty.

These are just ideas that arise for me that I share for your consideration if they seem to fit.

I wish you the best and hope that you are able to find in AA the strength and power to help you live a richer, deeper, sober life that I have found.

FreeOwl

Just read this and wanted to add one thing;

If your question is about 'why' - remember this simple response; because it works.

Tamerua

I really like the journal suggestion above from freeowl.

I head a group of analysts at work, I got there by being a really good analyst. My job is to ask questions to the bottom of things. I also used that skill to question the validity of things and argue things away. I'm not saying that is what you're doing, but that is how I operated.

When I started the program, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't argue or question things to oblivion because that is what got me to my point of desperation.

Your questions could be perfectly valid, it is hard to say when we don't know what they are, you know? I go to Big Book meetings (went to one last night), some of the book is great, some I read and take with a grain of salt.

Taking5

You could ask those questions here or in the AA forum.

Dee74

Seeing as there is another active identical thread and several posters here are posting in both, I'm closing this one.

the other thread is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-problem.html

Dee
Moderator
SR