somedaysoon74

Today is the first time that my alcoholic boyfriend admitted that he has a problem and that he needs help. I am in the process of detaching myself from him as I realized that I was an enabler by paying overdue bills, paying his rent to avoid eviction etc. He is a functioning alcoholic so he still goes to work but his debt and some other areas in his life are out of control in my opinion. My dilemma is now that I was trying to detach myself and accepting that I can't fix him and that only he can fix himself - and suddenly after a fight on the phone were I said that I can't deal with this anymore, he says that he realizes that he needs help and that he has a drinking problem. That is the first time he admitted that. I gave him the number of a local quit line and the locations of nearby AA meetings - what else should I do? I feel a little trapped now as I was just trying to focus on myself and stop worrying about him and now after this phone call I am am not sure what I should do? Some advice from you guys would be much appreciated.

Rina

I think you did the right thing. You already stated that you are trying to distance yourself from him so that he can become responsible for himself. Stay strong in that decision. You will both be stronger for it.

Wastinglife

I was the alcoholic boyfriend in a relationship for 6 years. When we met I wasn't too bad but during the course of our relationship I progressed to full-blown alcoholic. My girlfriend also started having to do things like help with bills. I actually was evicted so I moved in with her. Then she saw how bad a drinker I was.

I made her promise after promise that I would cut down but never really did. I just started to hide bottles and be deceptive. Finally she had enough when she came home one morning when I was supposed to be at work and found me already drunk. She broke it off and kicked me out.

Only when she ended the relationship and I had t move back to my parents did I finally end the denial and I checked in to rehab. I know you want to help, but a hotline isn't going to do anything at all. AA only works for people who really want to quit.

I say you give him an ultimatum. It's you or the booze. Alcoholics only respond to tough love or severe consequences.

least

Let him know you support his quest for sobriety. But take care of yourself. You can point him in the direction of help but he has to ask for it.

sickofthiscrap

It sounds like you were detaching and were at peace with that decision but you are feeling guilty because he's promised to change. Nobody is obliged to stay in a relationship. You don't have to help him or be there for him at all. He's the one who got himself into his mess and only he can get himself out.

I daresay breaking up with an alcoholic is rather like breaking up with an abusive person. There are always promises to change, but they mean nothing until the person actually wants to do the work themselves, and while ever you are around, well he doesn't have much motivation to change does he. I think he's only doing the 180 because you threatened to leave.

If you really want to be with him, give him time on his own - like a lot of time - and stay in low contact. See whether he is sincere about this or not.

MythOfSisyphus

Wastinglife is right- your best course of action is to just take care of you. Make an ultimatum, and be prepared for him to choose booze over you. If he doesn't, great! Maybe the relationship is worth trying to salvage. But there's a reason that lifeguards drive jetskis and toss a life preserver- you can toss him a line but don't let him drag you down with him.

littlefish

I would continue to be extremely aware of the attraction to be codependent. That was a nice gesture and it shows you truly care, but the bottom line is that he is capable of doing that sort of thing himself.
Be sure and visit the friends and family forum, that is devoted to and family and friends of alcoholics!

Dee74

Hi and welcome somedaysoon74

Being an alcoholic has made me cynical perhaps, but he wouldn't be the first guy who faced with losing his gf, declares he wants to clean up and needs your help.

He may very well mean it right now... but that doesn't mean it's not manipulation.

As embarrassed as I am to admit it I did something similar myself in years gone by...

If your ex is serious about cleaning up, he'll do the work...don't be pulled into doing stuff he should be doing himself...

D

FreeOwl

I had a similar situation.... my girlfriend at the time went to AA with me, the first time, supported me in getting sober. Was encouraging and supportive for a couple months.

Then she started cheating on me and I caught her in a bunch of lies and it wound up being pretty heartbreaking.... but for the best.

My point though is I suppose it can go either way. For my part, I was in a really bad place and her support really helped me get the momentum I needed to seriously work on my sobriety. Her presence in my life and willingness to encourage me as a good man and not a 'broken' or 'defective' man as I saw myself, was pretty important. Her cheating on me and the breakup was probably a contributing factor to my deciding to go back to drinking after nearly 6 months. Though I do not blame her, I'm sure that the loneliness and sorrow of that whole scene did nothing to help my sobriety.

It's a tricky business, this loving an addict stuff.... finding that balance between supporting and enabling. Feeling guilty about your own potential impact to the one you love when you do decide to care for yourself....

If you love him and want there to perhaps be a chance with him, then you might find ways to offer support and encouragement with sufficient boundaries to ensure you are not sucked into enabling. If you love him and your instinct tells you that you just cannot go on with him right now - then be honest with him, tell him you need to detach from him, that you wish him well and care for him but cannot be with him at this time.

readerbaby71

I'm sorry you're going through this. You've done all you can do. Ultimatums usually don't work. Detach and think about what kind of life YOU want to live. If he really wants to get sober he will. The friends and family board has been a very valuable resource for me. Check it out here:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

This is a great book for those of us who love addicts: Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addicti.../dp/1476709475

Sending much love and strength your way. xo

FeelingGreat

If he's serious about sobriety he'll do what has to be done without your help. In fact he'll do it better because quitting successfully and on his own will mean so much more than being lead and herded into rehab by you.

My suggestion is to tell him you want him to become sober, but it's his journey, not yours. Be prepared to say no when he's evicted and wants to move in with you.

PurpleKnight

Keep doing what you're doing, looking after YOU!!

As already mentioned how many husbands, boyfriends promise the world and to quit alcohol faced with the thought of loosing something!!

Let him create some longterm results and then re evaluate things then!!

sugarbear1

even if he gets his help to stay stopped, his recovery will take time.

please take care of you. maybe read Codependent No More

somedaysoon74

you are completely right - I am already annoyed at myself that I did that. I will stay cautious because after reading all the different forums and articles I am aware that this will be a long journey for him and I am not sure I want to go it with him - at least not if he is not 100% dedicated and serious regarding sobriety.