30 Days Sober Log
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 481
I’m back, 5 years after breaking my streak. I should have been here sooner.
Professionally I’ve made some great strides in the last few years, but I was cheating and using Valium to calm my nerves the entire time. This went on for 3 years. It’s getting out of control.
I recently took some time off work, and I have nothing. No friends, no goals, no energy. So I’m hitting the bottle harder than ever. I’d been drinking too much before, but now I’m at over 10-15 standard drinks a day, so it’s getting serious. Strict lockdowns in my country, a lot of problems at work to go back to and an underlying, nagging sense of nihilism and worthlessness aren’t helping, but I’m not looking for an excuse. It’s a personal failing. Though whatever the cause, it just needs fixing because it feels like I’m entering a downward spiral that probably ends in suicide. I still have a glimmer of hope so maybe that’s hyperbole, but it’s fading.
When I came here in 2014 I was young. I had the future to look forward to. A better self was possible (especially physically) and it gave me some sort of push.
Now I’m middle aged. I’ve been engaged and it’s fallen apart. Mid thirties, my body is beginning to fall apart too. I can’t train like I used to - life gets in the way, and I just keep getting injured. I have next to no social circle like I already said due to anxiety, and those that I really like and relate to are high functioning addicts like me. I get into fleeting relationships, maintain a false, engaging self for a month or two then run away before they see the truth. I’m not charming, I’m not engaged, I’m a slob who wants to be left alone. These are deep seated issues that need addressing in their own right … but I can at least try and keep my health, and be a half decent person. And at the moment alcohol is preventing this.
I’m not sure how I can stop this time. It will be a lot harder. Grateful for any comments and support, but I’ll just be doing as before. Using this as a platform to journal, post my thoughts and count days. Cheers and good luck to everyone else on here.
Professionally I’ve made some great strides in the last few years, but I was cheating and using Valium to calm my nerves the entire time. This went on for 3 years. It’s getting out of control.
I recently took some time off work, and I have nothing. No friends, no goals, no energy. So I’m hitting the bottle harder than ever. I’d been drinking too much before, but now I’m at over 10-15 standard drinks a day, so it’s getting serious. Strict lockdowns in my country, a lot of problems at work to go back to and an underlying, nagging sense of nihilism and worthlessness aren’t helping, but I’m not looking for an excuse. It’s a personal failing. Though whatever the cause, it just needs fixing because it feels like I’m entering a downward spiral that probably ends in suicide. I still have a glimmer of hope so maybe that’s hyperbole, but it’s fading.
When I came here in 2014 I was young. I had the future to look forward to. A better self was possible (especially physically) and it gave me some sort of push.
Now I’m middle aged. I’ve been engaged and it’s fallen apart. Mid thirties, my body is beginning to fall apart too. I can’t train like I used to - life gets in the way, and I just keep getting injured. I have next to no social circle like I already said due to anxiety, and those that I really like and relate to are high functioning addicts like me. I get into fleeting relationships, maintain a false, engaging self for a month or two then run away before they see the truth. I’m not charming, I’m not engaged, I’m a slob who wants to be left alone. These are deep seated issues that need addressing in their own right … but I can at least try and keep my health, and be a half decent person. And at the moment alcohol is preventing this.
I’m not sure how I can stop this time. It will be a lot harder. Grateful for any comments and support, but I’ll just be doing as before. Using this as a platform to journal, post my thoughts and count days. Cheers and good luck to everyone else on here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Welcome back.
You can change your life. How are you going to do it? One day at a time. Turning poison into medicine.
Push away any self defeating thoughts and start walking forward. You have so much life to live and so much to give other people.
The first priority is to get your house in order and coming here is the best step you can take. No need to worry about tomorrow or even the past. Today is your day!
I have found that a solid structure of my day and nights have kept me sober. I have been a serial relapser for more than a decade. Sometimes it takes what it takes for us to learn how to do this thing called sobriety. There are so many tools and so many ways to get going on your road. I do hope you stick around and give your best self a chance to shine! We are here for you.
Also, believe in the change. Believe in yourself. You can do this!
You can change your life. How are you going to do it? One day at a time. Turning poison into medicine.
Push away any self defeating thoughts and start walking forward. You have so much life to live and so much to give other people.
The first priority is to get your house in order and coming here is the best step you can take. No need to worry about tomorrow or even the past. Today is your day!
I have found that a solid structure of my day and nights have kept me sober. I have been a serial relapser for more than a decade. Sometimes it takes what it takes for us to learn how to do this thing called sobriety. There are so many tools and so many ways to get going on your road. I do hope you stick around and give your best self a chance to shine! We are here for you.
Also, believe in the change. Believe in yourself. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,422
Welcome back! Your daily journal worked last time, it can work again. What better way to have support to stop AND grab some new tools while you're doing it? The important thing is you're here, right? Congrats on day three. Come on by the 24 hour support thread, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 481
Thanks Viking. I remember that being a great thread for support when slipping, and a good way to give something back to the community too.
Day 4 done. Energy levels very low, concentration poor. See how tomorrow goes.
Day 4 done. Energy levels very low, concentration poor. See how tomorrow goes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm glad you made it back Eshgham 
How do you stop? I think the simple acceptance that our drinking is untenable is a good start.
I'm sorry you're in lockdown - we've been lucky in Queensland but I understand the stress and the fear and the boredom.
I can honestly say tho I would not be doing well if I had to deal with this pandemic as a drinker.
D
How do you stop? I think the simple acceptance that our drinking is untenable is a good start.
I'm sorry you're in lockdown - we've been lucky in Queensland but I understand the stress and the fear and the boredom.
I can honestly say tho I would not be doing well if I had to deal with this pandemic as a drinker.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 481
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm glad you made it back Eshgham
How do you stop? I think the simple acceptance that our drinking is untenable is a good start.
I'm sorry you're in lockdown - we've been lucky in Queensland but I understand the stress and the fear and the boredom.
I can honestly say tho I would not be doing well if I had to deal with this pandemic as a drinker.
D
How do you stop? I think the simple acceptance that our drinking is untenable is a good start.
I'm sorry you're in lockdown - we've been lucky in Queensland but I understand the stress and the fear and the boredom.
I can honestly say tho I would not be doing well if I had to deal with this pandemic as a drinker.
D
Day 5. Managed a 10km ride and did some breathing exercises. Energy levels still low but up from yesterday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 481
Day 9. I rolled the scales out and bought an oximeter. Today, at rest in the early afternoon:
-89kg
-94-98 %Sp02
-62-66 PRbpm
Left ring finger provided best test site with a PI index of >5, measurements below that were ignored.
Normal ranges. Would like to be 85kg with a resting heart rate in the 50’s. Blood/oxygen readings done out of curiosity with a few unlucky young people dying at home from Covid.
-89kg
-94-98 %Sp02
-62-66 PRbpm
Left ring finger provided best test site with a PI index of >5, measurements below that were ignored.
Normal ranges. Would like to be 85kg with a resting heart rate in the 50’s. Blood/oxygen readings done out of curiosity with a few unlucky young people dying at home from Covid.
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