empty nest worries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,327
empty nest worries
Im hoping for some advice as this month two of my little chicks will fledge....one left a year or ago......and the next two go this month leaving only hubby and one last little chick. This time I will be without my wine crutch. Im trying to be positive and helpful for them but I just want to cry and keep them home. ...... I am hoping to get a new hobby...joining a ladies group that meets once a month. .... Some activities will involve pubs etc so that too will be a challenge. ...... I'm not going to get much support off hubby and I will feel very alone . xx xx
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Not a parent either but there are loads of mums here
There is a women only section too where you can all discuss anything from names for your male pets to female world domination lol
No only joking this site has to be my find of 2014 such good people here real problems real recovery real people
There is a women only section too where you can all discuss anything from names for your male pets to female world domination lol
No only joking this site has to be my find of 2014 such good people here real problems real recovery real people
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
My 2 both left home at the same time, and I drank more than ever. I kind of grieved for a while transitioned, and now... Im going to India and Nepal to volunteer!!. Life is just super.... Its a life transition and they are always tricky. These are now our years to enjoy! Get busy, get active and start ticking off the bucket list!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Flevoland
Posts: 103
Hi Petals!
Why not focus on achieving some of your own personal goals now that you will have more time? There are so many interesting subjects in this amazing world of ours. What are some of your interests?
Why not focus on achieving some of your own personal goals now that you will have more time? There are so many interesting subjects in this amazing world of ours. What are some of your interests?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
When my youngest left home I spent two years drinking and staring at the walls. Now that I am sober I get to enjoy my children.
I can look at them as people now, not just my kids. Raising them was a time in my life, not my whole life. You did your job and it is now time for the world to have them. They are not gone from your life, just not a day to day responsibility anymore.
Find something you like to do and do it. Explore new avenues. Take up a hobby you always thought you might like but never had the time for. Learn something new or volunteer some place. It sounds like you have a lot to give and a lot of time to do it, so go do it!
It not the end, it is the beginning!
I can look at them as people now, not just my kids. Raising them was a time in my life, not my whole life. You did your job and it is now time for the world to have them. They are not gone from your life, just not a day to day responsibility anymore.
Find something you like to do and do it. Explore new avenues. Take up a hobby you always thought you might like but never had the time for. Learn something new or volunteer some place. It sounds like you have a lot to give and a lot of time to do it, so go do it!
It not the end, it is the beginning!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: US
Posts: 115
I am a father of three, the last recently left home, for me it was a wakeup call, life dosnt stand still, they will need us out there in the big world, we should be ready to help and we can do that best sober.
It will be ok, it is a natural part of life. I can say that now, it was hard but now me and my wife are startng to enjoy the time alone.
hang in there!
It will be ok, it is a natural part of life. I can say that now, it was hard but now me and my wife are startng to enjoy the time alone.
hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: NYC
Posts: 301
My girl left Saturday. I miss her soooo much. Have my boy for another 23 months (not that I'm counting)... it's tough, just been the 3 of us since my boy was born. That compounded with my loss of drinking buddies, I feel quiet alone these days. /sigh
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My eldest left for college a couple of weeks ago. When my daughter was sobbing, I reminded her that when someone you love has their life expand, your life expands, too. I have had a mix of emotions, but it is getting easier. I am grateful to be sober during this time though. It keeps my emotions "in check."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
My last kid left home about a year ago, and yes, it's tough. I realized that my favorite thing in life was to be a parent raising her children - it creates such a strong sense of purpose to be the provider, the protector, the primary educator about life and growth. You can't really completely replace all that good stuff, but you can identify the things that are so satisfying about the role of parent to you and find new roles that help to fill that gap. I have a passion for helping people struggling with addiction, both addicts and family, borne out of my experience with my addicted "bonus son." Since my children moved out, I have become very active volunteering for an addiction treatment agency and in recovery advocacy. I've met some amazing people through this work, had some fantastic experiences, and get to feel that I'm still making a positive and important impact in this world. It doesn't work for me to say, hey, my kids are gone, time for me to just play now. Just playing doesn't fill the need I have to be making a difference. But everyone is different and has their own thing. The world is filled with opportunities to do so many different things. Figure out what you miss most about parenting and then find an activity or activities to fill that need. You haven't lost your child and that love is always there. So in a sense, you now have time to add some new, different experiences to your life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Petals, I was a mess when the empty nest happened. Both my children left the same day because my husband & I had to move for his job and they were both in university. I felt completely lost and of course, drinking made things that much worse. Believe me, there is life after children and it's great.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 79
When mine originally left for school it was party time for me! So many of my responsibilities around the house vanished overnight along with a lot of my identity, or so I thought. I drank to deal with the loneliness, I had kids young and most of my friends were going through parental experiences I'd dealt with years earlier which just further seemed to isolate me.
Anyway when I got sober 20 months ago my relationships with my kids changed and became a lot more "normal". There is no better feeling than having the freedom to get in the car on a Saturday morning and in my case drive 2 or 3 hours for a visit then drive home not having the booze monkey telling me to hurry up for that first drink
I found that with all the free time I could pick up long forgotten hobbies and I started and still dedicate a lot of my time working with special needs athletes. It fills that void of being a distant parent and only good can come out of all of it.
Be proud in knowing that they are proud of your sobriety!
Anyway when I got sober 20 months ago my relationships with my kids changed and became a lot more "normal". There is no better feeling than having the freedom to get in the car on a Saturday morning and in my case drive 2 or 3 hours for a visit then drive home not having the booze monkey telling me to hurry up for that first drink
I found that with all the free time I could pick up long forgotten hobbies and I started and still dedicate a lot of my time working with special needs athletes. It fills that void of being a distant parent and only good can come out of all of it.
Be proud in knowing that they are proud of your sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
Wow, do I EVER identify with this thread. Sheesh. I didn't start drinking until empty nest hit me. And did it ever grab me hard and slam me down. Never in my dreams did I suspect that was even in me.
It's been a few years for me now and my relationship with them is AMAZING!!! I still have trouble when they leave after a visit, but SR walked me through this last time.
It is so easy for people to say "now is your time for yourself" or "get a hobby." That doesn't happen until the grieving is over. So the only advice I have is to feel what you feel, take great care of yourself, and be grateful for every minute you have had and will have with them. The rest. . . .hobbies, time to yourself that you relish. . . will happen in time.
It's been a few years for me now and my relationship with them is AMAZING!!! I still have trouble when they leave after a visit, but SR walked me through this last time.
It is so easy for people to say "now is your time for yourself" or "get a hobby." That doesn't happen until the grieving is over. So the only advice I have is to feel what you feel, take great care of yourself, and be grateful for every minute you have had and will have with them. The rest. . . .hobbies, time to yourself that you relish. . . will happen in time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Hate to say this but I just realized, when I was actively drinking, I used to think how long before they leave? Sounds horrible when I think about it. Not all the time but sometimes.
Now, I think about when they leave with a sense of panic! So no real advice from me except hobbies and social groups, like you mentioned, sound like a good idea.
Now, I think about when they leave with a sense of panic! So no real advice from me except hobbies and social groups, like you mentioned, sound like a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 126
My Mom volunteered at one of the local recycling stores that sell donated items and gives the money to charity. Loved it, plus she got first pick of all the incoming stuff.
Volunteer at a local animal shelter. Never enough help at those places, and those little critters need all the love they can get.
Both will get you out of the house, meet new people, and very worthwhile.
Volunteer at a local animal shelter. Never enough help at those places, and those little critters need all the love they can get.
Both will get you out of the house, meet new people, and very worthwhile.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Petals.
I'm facing this too. My Dad died last week. We have the funeral on September 16th, then my daughter leaves for university on the 20th. It seems like a double loss. My living room is currently stacked up with bags and boxes of stuff for her to take. We've got a little house so it's been taken over completely.
I will miss her loads. She's the opposite to me. I'm a quiet person, happy in my own company whereas she is like a mini tornado...noisy, talkative, untidy. I swear there isn't a minute of her day that she doesn't tell me about.
She's already told me that she's going to FaceTime me every night..and said can I sit close to her Dad, so she can continue to get on his nerves and interrupt his tv programmes even when she's not in the room
It will be a wrench, but when I look at her face I can see how excited and a bit nervous she is. A big step moving away from home. She's got her whole future ahead of her. I bet before I've had a chance to think about it...there she will be again on my doorstep, with months worth of dirty clothes in her bags and a scruffy looking boyfriend in tow...
I'm facing this too. My Dad died last week. We have the funeral on September 16th, then my daughter leaves for university on the 20th. It seems like a double loss. My living room is currently stacked up with bags and boxes of stuff for her to take. We've got a little house so it's been taken over completely.
I will miss her loads. She's the opposite to me. I'm a quiet person, happy in my own company whereas she is like a mini tornado...noisy, talkative, untidy. I swear there isn't a minute of her day that she doesn't tell me about.
She's already told me that she's going to FaceTime me every night..and said can I sit close to her Dad, so she can continue to get on his nerves and interrupt his tv programmes even when she's not in the room
It will be a wrench, but when I look at her face I can see how excited and a bit nervous she is. A big step moving away from home. She's got her whole future ahead of her. I bet before I've had a chance to think about it...there she will be again on my doorstep, with months worth of dirty clothes in her bags and a scruffy looking boyfriend in tow...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Both of my little ones, grew, matured into
2 talented, loving little adults with me before,
during and after recovery before moving on
into their own lives some yrs. ago leaving my
then husband and I with an empty nest.
Well, almost as I continued care for our 2
loveable cats and a bird.
I remember reading and learning how when
your children go to live their own lives, cutting
the apron stings, leaving their parents, then
the husband and wife come back together to
reunite as one just as it was when we married.
I felt like, and I speak for just me because my
then spouse is not here to speak for himself, it
was time for us to come together to begin a new
leg of our lives into retirement one day.
Anyway, even tho I remained sober, still
connected to my recovery program, my
spouse and I never truly connected like
a loving, understanding, communicative
couple should.
He remained connected to everything and
everyone else but me. Selfishly, I wanted him
all for myself. However, it wasn't meant to
be and thus we went our separate ways where
I return home to my lovely hometown of
Baton Rouge, remarried and he stayed in
Tx and remarried himself.
When addiction and recovery comes into
the family it changes the dynamics of the
family unit and relationship unless everyone
learns about addiction and its affects on
them and others around them using some
sort of recovery program to stay connected.
Since I was the only one who was sick and
got into recovery, it left our unit and marriage
off balance. Its sad but true.
However, on the brighter side of my recovery,
im happier, healthier, honest in life and
don't regret anything that has happened thus
so far and that im truly blessed and grateful.
I wish you comfort, health and happiness
as you go thru another chapter in ur life.
2 talented, loving little adults with me before,
during and after recovery before moving on
into their own lives some yrs. ago leaving my
then husband and I with an empty nest.
Well, almost as I continued care for our 2
loveable cats and a bird.
I remember reading and learning how when
your children go to live their own lives, cutting
the apron stings, leaving their parents, then
the husband and wife come back together to
reunite as one just as it was when we married.
I felt like, and I speak for just me because my
then spouse is not here to speak for himself, it
was time for us to come together to begin a new
leg of our lives into retirement one day.
Anyway, even tho I remained sober, still
connected to my recovery program, my
spouse and I never truly connected like
a loving, understanding, communicative
couple should.
He remained connected to everything and
everyone else but me. Selfishly, I wanted him
all for myself. However, it wasn't meant to
be and thus we went our separate ways where
I return home to my lovely hometown of
Baton Rouge, remarried and he stayed in
Tx and remarried himself.
When addiction and recovery comes into
the family it changes the dynamics of the
family unit and relationship unless everyone
learns about addiction and its affects on
them and others around them using some
sort of recovery program to stay connected.
Since I was the only one who was sick and
got into recovery, it left our unit and marriage
off balance. Its sad but true.
However, on the brighter side of my recovery,
im happier, healthier, honest in life and
don't regret anything that has happened thus
so far and that im truly blessed and grateful.
I wish you comfort, health and happiness
as you go thru another chapter in ur life.
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