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Telling people - but who...

Old 08-22-2014, 10:59 PM
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Telling people - but who...

I keep getting offers to share a bottle of wine or to goto the pub. I've told 6 people now that I have quit. 2 have been great, offered to goto aa with me, offered a kick up the butt to remind me that there is more to life. 2 didn't wanna know, they have their own lives (and addictions that they don't wanna face), and 2 have asked me to drink with them! Ya know, not taking me seriously, saying that it's good to detox, but we can have a bottle of wine tonight (she doesn't have a problem with alcohol), and on days 4 & 5, when I'd made it through the worse, suggesting I shouldn't have stopped straight out and should drink again and then cut down - i get the reasoning, but I can't cut down, there is no such thing as cutting down for me & i was already into the 1st week.

I'm now questioning my motivation for telling just these few. Some of it is just timing/proximity, part is needing to tell someone, but not my family. I need support! The right support!
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:04 AM
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In beginning I told a few people I was very close to and I trusted. As my sobriety strengthen the circle widened. Today I don't announce it but I don't make it a secret either. Not sure this is the best way but it has worked for me
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:30 AM
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The people you are describing have a drinking problem of their own and are threatened by your decision to stop. JMHO.

Don't give in, stay the course.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:57 AM
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I'm no longer bashful about telling anyone. I wear my AA ring everyday and spread the word when I feel it's appropriate. There are lots of people out there that need help. Some are ready to see that. For crucial face-to-face support, see:

Alcoholics Anonymous : Find A.A. Near You
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Old 08-23-2014, 04:22 AM
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I've only told my teenage kids, who would have noticed anyway and a close friend who suggested I cut down. No one else close to me notices any differences, including the 15 lb weight loss on my 5 ft frame, lol. When offered drink by sister at fair just said I had bad headache. I guess I did hid it fairly well to those that weren't drinking buddies.
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Old 08-23-2014, 04:58 AM
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No one's business but mine. It's not about hiding it, but rather about right-sizing my ego and being of service as an agent of recovery. My fair-weathered "friends" got the message soon enough. Most were not interested in "mfanch the recovered one". And so it goes.

No skin off my back. I had to exchange my old life for the new one. I am so grateful that I chose this new life. It is extraordinary.

Real friends and also family members SAW me change. I didn't have to say a word. It was glaringly obvious.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:11 AM
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For me I never wanted to tell anyone because I wasn't truly committed to quitting for good. I always thought my attempts to quit or cut down were "curing" me. I wanted to one day be able to drink normally again. Who doesn't, right? You know where that led. Day 1 after day 1 after day 1...

It wasn't until this attempt at sobriety when I told my husband, a trusted friend and my son that I truly accepted & confronted my alcoholism. It was such a huge relief, not as terrifying as I thought it would be & has given me the freedom to fully embrace sobriety. I don't regret it for one second but I also have a supportive family system. They were just as relieved as me. I understand that is not the case for everyone which makes me sad.
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:07 AM
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The problem I found was, there was no way to know how people were going to react to me not drinking anymore, it's a trial and error situation!!

All we can do is hope for the best and then make decisions based on people's responses as to who to continue hanging out with and who to see less frequently!!

I started with a small group too, but still some rejected the idea that I even had a drink problem, I kept thinking to myself surely a real friend would stand by a major life decision relating to my health, but alcohol sadly doesn't fit into that category for some people!!
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight View Post
surely a real friend would stand by a major life decision relating to my health, but alcohol sadly doesn't fit into that category for some people!!
Sorry but I disagree.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:31 AM
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A friend of mine just messaged if I'd like to get together for a drink for her bday. I didn't feel like explaining. She's an occasional, light drinker, probably couldn't imagine my situation. I said I was on meds and probably shouldn't drink. We're meeting at a tea room instead. Not sure if not being honest is good in the long run, but don't want to fess up and have it be the topic of the evening.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by dSober View Post
Sorry but I disagree.
Which bit? . . . surely you shouldn't get grief from a friend if you've decided to not continue killing yourself with alcohol?
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight View Post
Which bit? . . . surely you shouldn't get grief from a friend if you've decided to not continue killing yourself with alcohol?
I agree. But I don't agree that the some people who won't stand by you in the category of alcohol are real friends.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:00 PM
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I told no one initially, and the sad thing is the social stigma which can be caught up in this situation, I could never have mentioned this to my work colleagues of the time as I worked for a very large international company and I think it would have worked against me even although I was doing something that a lot of my colleagues never had the balls to do or admit to themselves, but sadly people can be very narrow minded unless they genuinely have your best interests at heart.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by dSober View Post
I agree. But I don't agree that the some people who won't stand by you in the category of alcohol are real friends.
Yeah I agree!! . . . I don't think they are real friends either, that was my original point!!
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:14 PM
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My husband and two children were the only people to know that I stopped drinking. I sensed early on, that for me, the recovery journey would be very personal.
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight View Post
Yeah I agree!! . . . I don't think they are real friends either, that was my original point!!
Oops, I misunderstood.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:39 PM
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I can only speak for me and I only have my experience.

I didn't/still don't want people to know.

My approach is that I will be the best friend possible in all circumstances except boozing one's.
I want my friends to know I will be there for them in any capacity but it won't be in a drinking capacity.

I have not really voiced this as such to friends but its obvious in my approach to life now.
I will do the cinema, do shopping, do meals out, do coffee, I will even go for virgin cocktails and to the pub for a soft drink. But I won't do rip roaring drunk to cement friendships and keep them going.

I remember once being at a friends for NYE.
There were 2 others there and they were drinking wine. Not that much though.
I was drinking tea.
Her sister rang at midnight to say HNY.

She has long since been suspected of having a bad drink problem, not that that matters to me or that I am judging her.

However, she was sozzled on the phone and speaking really loudly and I heard her say to her sister 'is Sasha alright with you 2 drinking? Is she coping okay? Does she mind that you are both drinking and she can't?

I knew then that this was exactly why I have never shared why I don't drink with others who do not understand.
Why this is my battle and no-one else's.

Sometimes it can be lonely.
I don't get invited out for those sorts of nights now very often, but thats what I wanted, so I cannot complain.

So that I can keep seeing my friends, I do often suggest things to do that are not related to drink or at least drinking is not the only reason we are there and meeting up. So it might be tea out somewhere or shopping.

It is hard, but then life for me when I drank was even harder, so this is the best solution.

I wish you the best xx
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