CharlesG

My first blunt was at a bus stop with a friend I still hang with. I smoked before shows, Im a musician, I smoked for every occasion. 2006 was the year. Its been 8 years, and I built being high and drunk up as being
a) a confidence builder *WHEN IT JUST BRINGS MY CONFIDENCE DOWN I CNT LOOK PPL IN THE EYE AND SPEAK*
b) the secret to my success
c) time filler
d) something to make me feel cool deep inside
I used prescription cough syrup since a kid, got hooked on zans two years ago, extasy and molly and its ruining everything
just yesterday ****** up 12 hours of studio time, had to ask my ex gf for money, and not to mention how ****** over its led me to be in this relationship.
I got high on cough syrup the day before our abortion and was the least helpful and supporting of her and she is forever traumatized it was her first and i was not ******* ready and neither was she I want to grow up
Am I blaming the drugs?

dropout,no drivers liscence, still live with my mom in between living with my ex

LastMistake

I think its really easy to get caught up finding something, anything to blame. It gives us something to direct all that negativity towards. In reality we all have problems, this does not make us bad and this does not mean our lives are over. Rather than looking for someone or something to blame just ask yourself if you think you might be happier substance free. If that's the case than you've found the right place.

I know I made a huge mistake this past weekend and personally realized that it was more than that one mistake; it was my whole approach to using substances as opposed to having more sober, productive responses.

I imagine you are feeling alot of the same regrets and self loathing I have. All I can say is the best way to start is one day at a time

zerothehero

Only you can answer that question, Charles, but there is evidence in your post that drugs are a symptom that have become the source of some problems.

Forget blame. Decide what to do about the problems (money, wasted studio time, relationships, communication, education, transportation...).

What do you want? What are you doing about getting what you want? What's working? What's your plan?

3rdoverdose

Typically i seriously doubt it could just be the drugs...Something happens in life that causes these dangerous vices to continue....I have about a 1,000 daily habit of Fentany(Actiq), and other stuff. I work during the day as a IT security administrator however i have been working in my studio(back when i invested tens of thousands of) Anyways i rap/produce my own stuff and make all kinds of electronic music..


immerse yourself in your music...and you might find the answer I am trying to the find the correct path before its late and I don't wake in the ICU the next. - My problem is with my dad he was abusive and died and I never got any closure.

Dee74

Hi Charlie - welcome

I used to think I was a real screw up - I was in my 30s, moved back home a few times, barely covering rent other wise, lost my musical career and successive partner/s through drunkenness....

but I turned it around. 7 years and more clean and sober now. Turns out I wasn;t a screw up after all

SR helped me a lot...I know we can help you too

D

CharlesG

thank you.. my biggest regrets all come during times where I am high and intoxicated but it all comes from sober thoughts if that makes any sense? its all within, but YES I realize how active and happy I am without weed and the extras everytime. Was on a 6 day roll, but ended up smoking and drinking with my girl. And she's my main motivation to quit i cant keep putting her through this, im unhappy and not sure of myself everyday, I feel as this will give me clarity and the energy to fully live my life!! I love stimulants, I cant even go hours without thinking about them or listening to music and thinking "this person must have been on this" I'm ready for pure and true happiness not a high!

LastMistake

I'd say you've found a good place to be then. Welcome

CharlesG

and see honestly i read this and almost scrolled past it because the truth hurts. Its not the drugs. I dont know what I want. Thought I did, but after this relationship i got into it's changed my life for the best!! I never had aspirations past music and now i'm really focused on that, its what I do best and have the most fun with and if I buckled down I could pay bills again through it! I guess its why I want to stay sober , I really want to see what I want for real. I dont have a plan, I first need to keep a right mind and get rid of all these toxins and toxic ways toxic thoughts. I lie to myself everyday and thank you guys for assessing what i'm spewing out, I have no life and need to get one. This was a reason my girlfriend has no hope in us, one of many, I dont have a life. I waited on her, did whatever she wanted to do, was on hands n knees for her knees while not doing anything for myself besides being unreliable. MUSIC is what I want to do, and that's all I know for now I don't know what else I would want to do. Maybe get into writing for publications? I love to write, I def need a plan and to figure out what do I want out of my life, i'm 23 and feeling lost sometimes. thanks you guys.

CharlesG

im sorry to hear about your dad and my mom is what got me into my prescriptions, and she still has and sells them, i just decided not to. It really was a music thing for me, I took it as it got me in a zone and i loved how music sounded when really i love it just as much if not more when white eye sober, i can see everything clearer I swear its like not being intoxicated is a high of its own. The only problem is my sleepless nights & the stressful times, when I see I am being to aggressive or mean. Weed and everything else (besides syrup which made me x10 more mean and not cool to be around) kept me calm and thats what i'm tired of! Letting time and events pass me by! I was on big ass tours , met so many industry people that I was too xan'd out to remember.
It all stems from just being a nerd, I feel like i was searching for something to complete me and turned to drugs I dont know where the heavy reliance on these things came from.

CharlesG

will do my best to do this it sounds like the way, and even then I lose faith when I know this is what I do and what everyone loves me for, the girlfriend i have now I met because she came to one of my shows, and ever since I got with her I just wanted to get high and be with her. I put her over music like it was cute and it just turned her off and made her feel like I didnt want her apart of my music life. Thank you !

CharlesG

Helping already! 7 years!!! I need to pick up hobbies, getting high mostly stemmed from being bored! or after a meal lol