Matrixra

Hello there. Never in a million years would I have thought Id be posting something here, but writing has always helped me express my emotions, and this seemed like the right place.
Where to start though? In less than a week I will be entering drug court. My only reprieve from 13 months in jail. And knowing this was coming (the arrest was over two years ago) I have waited till the last moment to try to detox and avoid being dirty on the first test.
I'm about 30 hours since my last dose and the only comfort I can find is lying in a bathtub thats 2 feet too small for as long as I can stand lying bent at the knees with my neck pressed against the back of the shower. Here is what years of insuffulating oxycodone has gotten me.
I'm a loser in a bathtub. My wife has taken the kids to school orientation. I'm missing my only daughters first interaction with school. Hopefully when she has her first day Thursday I will be able to be there.
But its hard. I've spent the last 12 hours thinking how easy it would be to call my guy and feel just fine in about 20 minutes. I actually think Id feel better the moment I called. But that would mean a cold cell with bars.
Am I destined to fail when my reasons for getting clean arent of my own making? Can I make the right choice? Or do I just call a guy, feel better, and deal with this inside of a jail cell?
I just want my arms to stop jumping and my back to quit hurting.
Tell me it stops.

Funtimefranky

Well you know days 3 and 4 are typically the worse but the physical stuff does get better. Then of course there is the psychological stuff to deal with. I hope you find a way to want to stop for you. Have you got the Thomas recipe? Minus the Benzo's of course.

Matrixra

I have nothing but Tylenol and IB pro. I want to succeed, but I'm sure it's for the wrong reasons therefore I feel like Im destined for failure so why continue to try?

Anna

You can get through this. You can be present for your daughter's first day of school and every day. Be the father you want to be, and you won't be able to do that in jail. Hang in there!

Matrixra

Thank you for the kind words. My frustration arises from feeling like I haven't been a bad father at all. I haven't missed out on anything, and she hasn't wanted for anything. I'm filled with anger and frustration that I'm being forced into something I don't want to do by the courts.
But hey, I'm not full of, well you know, since that whole thing started a few hours ago.

Everyone tells me I need this, so its better to do for others than yourself, no?

Nonsensical

How can both of those statements be true?

I have no experience with your drug of choice, but I was addicted. I had no idea what all I was missing until I was sober and no longer missing it. You'd be amazed.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Matrixra

Good call. Maybe you're right there. I just know I was a lot more functional two days ago than I have been today. I just want it to stop one way or another. I need a larger bathtub and a couple of straps to hold me up while I sleep. That's the only way I'll be able to sleep.

Nonsensical

There are worse things than a couple of days of crummy sleep.

Have you considered medical assistance for your detox?

Hevyn

We're glad to have you with us Matrixra. I think posting here will help with the anxiety.

Nons asked about medical assistance - that would make it so much safer for you.
Once you're through this rough ride you never have to go back to that life.

Elodie

If you're going through hell, keep going. This discomfort WILL end if you stick with it, if you go back to using, you will be prolonging your misery indefinitely. Surely they won't let you have drugs in jail.

You're missing one important word here: YET.

You can do this matrixra! You deserve to lead a life free of the slavery that is drug dependence. If you don't feel that now, you will in time when you begin to see the benefits. Can you take that leap of faith?

I hope you feel better soon.

Matrixra

Sadly, medical help is not in the cards for me as that would violate the conditions of my drug court approval. I've tried suboxen on my own and was quite happy with the results. If I was smart, I would've used some type of taper with it a year ago. Instead, I would use it when I couldn't find more roxis. This has been a 6 year adventure for me. After a back injury, I was put on hydrocodone. When that didn't work, I eventually had the herniated disc removed, but was still in pain. 3 years after the surgery now, and I'm not sure if I'm still in pain from the other bad discs, or the sniffing of 150 Mgs of roxicodone a day.
I think the main issue is Ive made it through all of that. I still own my home. Still have my own business. Still have a loving wife and 2 kids. What's the problem? Oh yeah, Johnny law. Almost had myself talked into calling the man again. Guess its time to go back to the tub.

Matrixra

Honestly though, talking here is a bit helpful. And great practice for next week when I'm forced into at least 4 hrs of NA a week. I just don't think it can help when I don't want it. I'm being coerced into it.

ScottFromWI

You are correct that it won't work if you don't want help. Some people have to lose everything ( family, job, health, etc ) before they decide they want help. You have a golden opportunity to make changes while you still have all those things, and it is still a choice for you.

Matrixra

And that is why I'm thinking I will fail, because I know should my lawyer call, and tell me that it's been postponed another week, I will hang up from his call and immediately make another.
At least if I still feel the way I do now physically. I realize I'm unworthy of your time and of the time of others here who have replied, but I still thank you for the few moments of taking my mind off of the urge to do something thats going to cause me to have to spend a lot of time with a man named Bubba who thinks I have a pretty mouth.
Hopefully I make it a few more days. So far I have managed through this one.

Gronk

Hey, I'm a passenger in amoving car. Sorry for the typing.

Stop saying you don't want it man. You DO want to be rid of this. So they will make you go to NA, u r worried it won't help if u r forced. We'll guess what, you don't want it now. You might get a few hours in and say to your self, this is like that website but much more powerful. There are people here who for the first time ever, can relate to me, havesufferedthrough what I have and worse, and are telling....holy crap, it gets better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!

You can do this. People care, look at all these people trying to connect with you here. Repost soon please. I am really pulling for you. I am 2 weeks off of booze and and it was forced by my own actions into this. I did not choose it.

It is unbelievable but Ian driving. Ack from a nightingale hotel ata beach with my wife qnd5 year old and I didn't have to worry about sneaking and lying and can remember everything hand my son had so much fun with me.

Anyway, I can't even see whT I am typing, I just wanted to lend some support...

ScottFromWI

Perhaps if you need motivation to at least get started you could think of your family as well? Destroying your own life is one thing, but ruining the lives of others is a whole new level of selfishness. I know this from experienc and many others here do too. You will need to want this for yourself to make it work long term, but for some motivation look outside of what you want for yourself.

Matrixra

Still here. Still twitching. Every moment seems worse than the previous. My wife has been so kind since she got home today. Small quick backrubs inbetween the cries of "mommmm!" I'm thinking Im not going to make it through two or three more days of this. So I'm staring at the clock wondering when I'll finally just make myself feel better and ride ten minutes down the road.
It's that choice. I've obviously never been smart or strong enough to make the right one

least

If I had to choose detox or jail I would choose detox. At least I'd be at home with my loved ones.

Matrixra

And that's why I'm doing it. The wife and the kids. They couldn't make it, at least not in this house, without me to help pay the bills. If it were only me, I would've cracked hours ago. But once again, thank you all for keeping me company on this rather painful ride.

Not to mention the thought that the detox is coming either way. I can do it here. Or there.
But I could REALLY use one of those big jacuzzi tubs. Maybe I will treat myself to a bathroom remodel when I'm thru giving the State of Alabama all my money for the next 18 months.

Gronk

You know what? I know that ten minute ride is going to drive you crazy, but you Aren't giving yourself enough credit, in between all of your self hating, you let slip that you have already made your decision to do this for your family. Stop killing yourself over the fix, you've already decided that is a no go becausefor all if the reasons UBS e stated, it won't help anything. Unlike a drunk who might say, screw it, I'll try next month or year, you don't have that choice.

This is the ONLY way. And you have decided it is the only way. Don't hate yourself right now for the past, praise yourself for the present. You are proving you are even stronger than I bet you thought you were. Keep it up.