crying my eyes out today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 4
crying my eyes out today
I'm new to this. I'm an alcoholic/cocaine addict and lately I've been a "garbage head", doing whatever gets put in my face. I went to rehab in April, and left after 4 days. I realize I shouldn't have, but the weekend came, and I had to get out of there. I wish so bad I would have stayed, and now I'm too ashamed to return.
Today is a bad day. It's Sunday, I got drunk on Friday and Saturday, smoked some pot, and now I'm feeling so depressed. I spent every last dime I had. Not that I had all that much, 'cause I still don't have a job.
I am a divorced 28 year old mother of two little girls, 5 and 6. And I have just started getting there trust back that I will be home when they wake up or before they go to bed. They used to wait for me to get home, and my mom would tell them, 'I dont think she's coming home tonight.' How sad, it just makes me sick. This isn't who I used to be at all. I was such a good mother, never drank, nothing. Now I've become so selfish, and I just want to let this out.
I've been lying to everyone saying that I haven't used since I've been out of rehab. I'm tired of being dishonest--it's tearing me apart. I really hate myself. My family is starting to question me again due to the mood swings--I'm terrified of telling them the truth. I've failed again. God knows they don't believe in me anyway.
Well, I just needed to let this out. I'm going to start over again--going to attend the meetings I have been promising. Glad to have this site to come to for moments like this.
I want to be myself again. I'm finding it hard to let go of the user friends, boyfriend, etc. I've left myself with no one but them after all the crap I've pulled in the past.
Also, just wanted to ask if anyone knows any really motivational sites that I could visit when I'm having moments like these. Thanks for listening.
Ange
Today is a bad day. It's Sunday, I got drunk on Friday and Saturday, smoked some pot, and now I'm feeling so depressed. I spent every last dime I had. Not that I had all that much, 'cause I still don't have a job.
I am a divorced 28 year old mother of two little girls, 5 and 6. And I have just started getting there trust back that I will be home when they wake up or before they go to bed. They used to wait for me to get home, and my mom would tell them, 'I dont think she's coming home tonight.' How sad, it just makes me sick. This isn't who I used to be at all. I was such a good mother, never drank, nothing. Now I've become so selfish, and I just want to let this out.
I've been lying to everyone saying that I haven't used since I've been out of rehab. I'm tired of being dishonest--it's tearing me apart. I really hate myself. My family is starting to question me again due to the mood swings--I'm terrified of telling them the truth. I've failed again. God knows they don't believe in me anyway.
Well, I just needed to let this out. I'm going to start over again--going to attend the meetings I have been promising. Glad to have this site to come to for moments like this.
I want to be myself again. I'm finding it hard to let go of the user friends, boyfriend, etc. I've left myself with no one but them after all the crap I've pulled in the past.
Also, just wanted to ask if anyone knows any really motivational sites that I could visit when I'm having moments like these. Thanks for listening.
Ange
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi there
I'm Rowan, and I'm an alcoholic. I've got 10 months clean time in this time around. It's hard to imagine when you don't know someone, but I can honestly say that if I could get clean and sober then anyone could. Is it possible to return to rehab? If it's shame that's holding you back, then put your pride in your back pocket and get back there. You need a safe environment in which to detox and in order to talk out your feelings with someone who can identify with your addictions.
After 2 years of sobriety I relapsed and went to rehab. That was my turning point. I've been sober since and the quality of my life has increased one hundred-fold. Recovery isn't easy, but it's a heck of a lot easier than going without money, lying to your family, and not honouring your commitments. Get honest with yourself and with others. Lose the user friends. If they're your friends, they'll understand. If not, they were never your friends. If you are willing, you will build friendships with other women based on mutual trust, respect, and love. Keep posting here in the meantime. This site has been a godsend for me.
You asked about motivational sites. I don't know of many but I would like to recommend a book it's called 'The Language of the Heart' it's written by Melody Beattie who is a recovering addict/alcoholic. Read her story and it will blow your mind. I would also recommend reading 'Drinking; a Love Story' by Caroline Knapp that is also a powerful memoir.
I know depression. I know hangovers. I know wanting to die, and I know hating myself so bad I just wish the earth would swallow me whole.
I don't feel that way today, and I never believed such a good life could happen to such a terrible girl. And I'm not terrible. I was just sick, trying to get well. The same is true of you. Have faith my friend I hope to see you here again!
Love, Rowan
I'm Rowan, and I'm an alcoholic. I've got 10 months clean time in this time around. It's hard to imagine when you don't know someone, but I can honestly say that if I could get clean and sober then anyone could. Is it possible to return to rehab? If it's shame that's holding you back, then put your pride in your back pocket and get back there. You need a safe environment in which to detox and in order to talk out your feelings with someone who can identify with your addictions.
After 2 years of sobriety I relapsed and went to rehab. That was my turning point. I've been sober since and the quality of my life has increased one hundred-fold. Recovery isn't easy, but it's a heck of a lot easier than going without money, lying to your family, and not honouring your commitments. Get honest with yourself and with others. Lose the user friends. If they're your friends, they'll understand. If not, they were never your friends. If you are willing, you will build friendships with other women based on mutual trust, respect, and love. Keep posting here in the meantime. This site has been a godsend for me.
You asked about motivational sites. I don't know of many but I would like to recommend a book it's called 'The Language of the Heart' it's written by Melody Beattie who is a recovering addict/alcoholic. Read her story and it will blow your mind. I would also recommend reading 'Drinking; a Love Story' by Caroline Knapp that is also a powerful memoir.
I know depression. I know hangovers. I know wanting to die, and I know hating myself so bad I just wish the earth would swallow me whole.
I don't feel that way today, and I never believed such a good life could happen to such a terrible girl. And I'm not terrible. I was just sick, trying to get well. The same is true of you. Have faith my friend I hope to see you here again!
Love, Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Ange,
Welcome and I really do understand how bad you feel - the lying, the shame and all the rest that goes along with being chained to alcohol/drugs. Starting over and going to meetings sounds like a great idea. You will start to feel so much better about yourself and be able to take control of your life again. It's hard to stop, but it will be so worth it. This is a great place to hang out if you'd like to talk and I think it's pretty inspirational.
Love, Anna
Welcome and I really do understand how bad you feel - the lying, the shame and all the rest that goes along with being chained to alcohol/drugs. Starting over and going to meetings sounds like a great idea. You will start to feel so much better about yourself and be able to take control of your life again. It's hard to stop, but it will be so worth it. This is a great place to hang out if you'd like to talk and I think it's pretty inspirational.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Ange,
Your not alone, we do understand. But if you want to give it another go, and you have the means and ability, go back to the rehab. Make an honest effort, allow them to help you. You have nothing to loose anymore, except of course your life, and if you want to return to some sort of peace and sanity, you know you must find support.
If the rehab is not an option, go or call AA or NA, if you don't like it, keep going back until it clicks. If your ready to live, if you know you can't do this alone. Tell your family when your ready and go back to either the rehab or to a meeting. But you have to be ready and willing because you want to do this, not for your family, your children, but for you. I'm glad your here, you'll get a lot of support.
If you like please join us at an online meeting there is one this evening. You can access the chat room, by going to the Chat and Online meetings forum. You'll need to register, but it takes just a moment.
Your not alone, we do understand. But if you want to give it another go, and you have the means and ability, go back to the rehab. Make an honest effort, allow them to help you. You have nothing to loose anymore, except of course your life, and if you want to return to some sort of peace and sanity, you know you must find support.
If the rehab is not an option, go or call AA or NA, if you don't like it, keep going back until it clicks. If your ready to live, if you know you can't do this alone. Tell your family when your ready and go back to either the rehab or to a meeting. But you have to be ready and willing because you want to do this, not for your family, your children, but for you. I'm glad your here, you'll get a lot of support.
If you like please join us at an online meeting there is one this evening. You can access the chat room, by going to the Chat and Online meetings forum. You'll need to register, but it takes just a moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by starreborn
.
Also, just wanted to ask if anyone knows any really motivational sites that I could visit when I'm having moments like these.
Also, just wanted to ask if anyone knows any really motivational sites that I could visit when I'm having moments like these.
My name's Dan, I'm an addict. Came to recovery at the end of last year.
I spent every last dime I had.
And we do stop using after relapsing. Even after rehab. I snapped after 77 days earlier this year. Just celebrated 120. So you're not alone.
Get back to the meetings. Oh yes.
Just for today. You say you're just getting back the trust of your children. Use that as a motivator. That and
I want to be myself again.
Welcome to SoberRecovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 4
Thanks for the input. I'm really enjoying this already. I'm glad I posted something, it was just an unbearable feeling I was experiencing. Thanks so much. I'm coming back everyday. You're all awesome.
Ange
Ange
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Hi Star,
I've never been where you are but thinking of your sadness and other negative emotions, your girls and relatives suspicions---all i can think of is to use them as a springboard to move you to the place where you don't like that place soooooooo much that it would cause you not every want to be there nor do the things that put you there and to motivate you to do all that you can to not return. i can tell that you want to regain a position of intergrity and trustworthiness---let those characteristers be powerhouses for you---zero in on that and become that person that you really want to be---going to the meetings (we know you know) will give you that support (and being here of course). plug in and become that star pupil. you know you want to make the grade...i'll congratulate you in advance....[B]"WELL DONE STAR, WELL DONE, YOU DID WELL AND MOVE TO THE HEAD OF YOUR CLASS"---I hear humility, submission and success in you.
You are worth the freedom that comes from sobriety. So are those little ones...be a burden no longer---reward yourself with a life that you can become proud off...it's your life and the sky is the limit. optimize your future---it's brighter than it is at this very moment. Dream Star---Dream.....include the joy, peace and happiness-----let's not forget the guiltlessness. When the gavel hits---you want the jury (you) to say "not guilty".
Your in the right place and we are here for you to support you to your victory. Go for the sobriety anniversary date. Your count up begins today. Mark your calendar!!!!!!!!!
Be blessed
I've never been where you are but thinking of your sadness and other negative emotions, your girls and relatives suspicions---all i can think of is to use them as a springboard to move you to the place where you don't like that place soooooooo much that it would cause you not every want to be there nor do the things that put you there and to motivate you to do all that you can to not return. i can tell that you want to regain a position of intergrity and trustworthiness---let those characteristers be powerhouses for you---zero in on that and become that person that you really want to be---going to the meetings (we know you know) will give you that support (and being here of course). plug in and become that star pupil. you know you want to make the grade...i'll congratulate you in advance....[B]"WELL DONE STAR, WELL DONE, YOU DID WELL AND MOVE TO THE HEAD OF YOUR CLASS"---I hear humility, submission and success in you.
You are worth the freedom that comes from sobriety. So are those little ones...be a burden no longer---reward yourself with a life that you can become proud off...it's your life and the sky is the limit. optimize your future---it's brighter than it is at this very moment. Dream Star---Dream.....include the joy, peace and happiness-----let's not forget the guiltlessness. When the gavel hits---you want the jury (you) to say "not guilty".
Your in the right place and we are here for you to support you to your victory. Go for the sobriety anniversary date. Your count up begins today. Mark your calendar!!!!!!!!!
Be blessed
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