purechaos

This probably doesn't belong in newcomers because I am not really a newcomer.. but I couldn't figure out a better place to put it... Sorry ahead of time for the rant/novel.

I have been observing something in my child lately that freaks me out. You know how people talk about “addictive personalities” and how a predisposition for addiction and addict traits can be traced through bloodlines.. The last few weeks I have seen this and it scares me. I will start out by saying I have learned about myself that I can easily be addicted to things. I went through a stint with Benzos, then alcohol, then pain pills. My addict voice is loud and most times can push rational thought out of the way. I come from a long line of addicts. My father is an alcoholic, my mother used to be, my maternal grandfather died of alcoholic related complications at an early age, both my uncles are in recovery, one of them is currently struggling with benzo abuse issues, with the exception of one every uncle and aunt on my fathers side is an addict of something as well (mainly alcohol but there are other things in there as well.) I could go on.. cousins… siblings… etc. etc. etc. And that doesn’t include my husbands family.

I have no doubt in my mind that some of what makes up addiction is hereditary.

Now on to my original thought.

I have twin sons who just turned 3. One of them takes a pacifier and has since we brought him home from the hospital. Generally speaking he gets it for naps and bed time only… the last few weeks he has been obsessive and persistent that he has is other times throughout the day. He sneaks them and tries to hide, he lies when you question him about it, he makes up excuses to have it, he watches them and I can almost read his mind as he obsesses and contemplates how to have it. He just turned 3 and I see him staring at his nuk the way I would stare at a bottle of pain killers sitting on the counter. His mind already seems to be rationalizing the use of something he doesn’t need…

Am I reading too far into this… maybe? But I do get concerned for the future. I know I can only teach them the truth and ugliness behind addiction. I can emphasize to them how these substances can rip you to shreds and destroy your life. I can tell them stories about how my mother found her father’s body in a bloody pool and how my brother lost his best friend to a drunk driver and I suppose I can even tell them the horror stories of my own personal demons and the awfulness that is withdrawal. I can try my best to set and be a good example on how to live a good life and be a good person without the aid of additional substances. But I know I can only do so much and the rest is in their hands. After all I knew the horror stories, I witnessed it first hand, I saw how traumatic and chaotic addiction is. And in the end I became an addict..and the cycle perpetuated itself.

I see similar traits in my 3 yr old that I see in myself… maybe (I am hoping) it is just because he is 3 but maybe it’s not… Maybe it’s part of the big picture.

Ugh anyways there was really no point to this post.. more of getting some heavy personal thoughts out of my head. Although I am married and am very close to my family this is not a topic of discussion that would be welcomed… that’s probably part of the problem in itself.
Thanks for reading.

biminiblue

Take the nuk away. Don't give it back. He'll learn he can live without it.

And I'm sure you already knew this, but don't tell him the bloody pool story...at least for another 10 years or so...

I wouldn't future trip too much. We can all go a little nutty over a nuk. I mean, who wouldn't?

trachemys

"I see similar traits in my 3 yr old that I see in myself… "

That could be simple transference. You seeing your behavior in your child. Still, it won't hurt the kid to wean off it.

Fishinainteasy

This is a major trigger for me. Worrying about the future of my dear children. I come from a long line of addicts and am in recovery. My plan is to be the best dad I can be today. And hopefully I'll be here in 20 years or more to help them with any problems they are having. (Another trigger for me) "will I be here when my kids get married, college, grand kids.) I just can't think like that any more

IOAA2

Hi. Children learn from a very early age, probably around a few months. They learn by observation more than by words. It’s no wonder so many end up at early ages drugging and using alcohol. It’s probably among the first things they observe.
I've heard so many say at meetings that they vowed never to be like a parent and ended up that way. Very sad.

Verte

The pacifier issue with a 3-year old is an interesting one - an enormous subject in his life

My questions for you are: Has developed any ways other than the pacifier to self-soothe during down time or stress? Did you just recently start limiting the time that he has access to the pacifier? Has there been anything new introduced to his environment lately, changes or anything stressful like a virus, visitor, new babysitter, potty training? In my experience, some babes are just super orally fixated and others less so. If potty training is in the mix right now it is best to choose one big transition at a time. Pacifier or toilet, but not both Having a 3 year old is really challenging. They are willful and in their mind sometimes need you and sometimes do not...(but in reality always need you and have this constant tension and 'gap' time...pacifiers fill in this gap well). The whole pacifier issue during this stage is a big one because in his mind at this point he may not be able to conceive of life without it. Yes, it probably would have been easier to take it away when he was two or earlier, but that still would have been a whole hullabaloo for you. Six of one, have dozen of another. Ugh.

What does your pediatrician suggest for handling the pacifier? One of my girls is also super orally fixated...we had to make taking away the pacifier a whole event. And cold turkey. She started to bite her fingernails right after and now at the age of almost 4, we need to transition from fingernails to an 'object' which keeps her hands occupied. Thanks for reminding me As far as a toddler expressing addictive tendencies and being orally fixated in a pathological sense...I have not heard or read any correlation. It is an interesting question.

From one parent to another - I say 'go easy on yourself' for sure. You just have a widened perspective of being sober and are looking at your babe with love and concern with these eyes. Hugs to you. Three is very hard. Three year-old twins are a force to be reckoned with.

Cowgirlie

Interesting post. What is the other twin like?
I see this trait in my 2 year old too (before we took away her dummy she displayed all the obsessive behavior you describe).

Lately her catchphrases are 'one more!' when I tip the cereal in the bowl. Then 'last one!' as she applies yet more parmesan cheese to her pasta. These 2 phrases are used several times a day; little examples that don't sound like much but that I have spotted and thought like you... 'sh*t, that's *exactly* my attitude to alcohol!' I mean it's very cute with her and she is obviously testing the boundaries - she says it with such a big smile and I know it's coming now so I always leave space for the last piece of cereal she wants to add to the bowl, just a cute little quirk, but still...It's like everything has to be to the last degree! She is a lot like me in so many ways so this doesn't surprise me but does cast a faint cloud of worry for the future. Which I am not gonna worry too much about right now! My other little girl is nothing like this.

gettingsmarter

Sorry this doesn't help but my dad gave me a sip of his beer when I was in the third grade and I thought it was disgusting. Crazy thing is the next week I was sitting in school at my mini desk in my mini chair thinking about wanting to have another taste. Crazy!

purechaos

Thank you all for your responses. Lets see ...

biminiblue that is sound advice...but whats wrong with a body in a pool of blood story for a 3 year old.... j/k... figured I would save that one for a last minute bottom of the barrel story.... and your right everyone needs a like nuk once in awhile :P

IOAA2- it makes me sad already what my kids know about me...I suffer from chronic pain and already at their young age when I have to say no to something (like a piggy back ride) they question if mommy is not feeling good. I don't like that at all. I am hoping a surgery in the near future gets me out of this constant battle between being in pain or being on drugs.

LeTheVerte- We haven't changed the rules about his usuage (ha that sounds bad) but there are big changes coming his way. I am 8 months pregnant... and very soon he will have a baby brother. He is a twin so he is used to sharing my attention and all his stuff and I do home daycare so he is even used to other kids being around. We have been prepping the boys for the new baby since we found out... but now its getting real, the crib was set up and things are being purchased and shifted. We have discussed the pacifier with both the pediatrician and the dentist and neither are concerned. I guess I am not so much concerned with his use of the pacifier but more of the behaviors behind it that stood out to me so clearly lately.

cowgirlie- his twin brother is a thumb sucker and uses it more as a comfort thing. He has it in his mouth when he is sleepy and relaxed. It has never really been an issue.
gettingsmarter- isn't it crazy how that works... My dad took up smoking when he was 6years old. He is 57 now and smokes like 3 packs a day.... I wonder if he could go back to his 6 yr old self and knock some sense into that little boy he would.

Anyways in general you are all probably right about me reading too far into this. I just want the world for my kids (as most parents-even addicts-do. Many of my addictions in the past went un-noticed by me... my over and inconsistent use of my prescribed anxiety pills, my binge drinking, etc. I never looked at it then as an addiction... looking back I know different. I suppose its easier to see things in their true light when you are out of the moment and perhaps thats why this is coming up. I wonder if I will start seeing similar things in other people in my life. Things I wouldnt have noticed before. Things that could mean nothing but could mean so much more. After all I was a fully functional thriving addict of opiates for almost 3 years and no one (other then my spouse) had any idea.

I need to chill out and take time to enjoy my little people while they are little and innocent... I suppose we will handle the heavy stuff when we get there (hopefully many many years away or never). I just need to stay focused on the hear and now and stop over analyzing the world around me.

Hope everyone is having a swell day.

Clementina

purechaos,

I come from a long line of alcoholics too. It runs in my family and it's all around me. I'm sure if I had children, they would be at risk too. I think addictive personalities can be very genetic! But it's not a death sentence.

You said it yourself-- Ultimately there's only so much you can do. You can't stop your child from becoming addicted once he grows older. But what you CAN do is offer a stable home and good role modeling. Show him what it means to be a healthy adult with good coping skills who chooses not to be addicted. You never know what might stick with him later on!!!

So here's a hopeful story! My mother made the choice not to become an alcoholic. Knowing that it runs in our family, she chose a life of sobriety. She never had a problem with it, she just didn't want that life. (My alcoholic father divorced us when I was a child, which in this sense is a blessing!) So I was raised by my single mom-- a strong, stable, sober single mom with a job and yes, a hard life, but good coping skills.

She did warn us, as soon as we were old enough, that alcoholism runs in our family very strongly, and not to play with fire. But of course teenagers play with fire!!! And when we were younger my brother and I would sort of laugh at her and wonder why she was so "uptight" a.k.a. sober. And yeah, my brother and I both have addiction and codependency issues. We did play with fire and we both have to pay the price.

But recently, I had the chance to tell her the wonderful news that I quit drinking! That I was choosing the life she had chosen!! I had the chance to thank her in person for being a strong, sober, stable mom. I never knew just what an amazing role model I had. And in my sober journey now, I think of the life she chose, and what an honor it is to choose that life as well. What I'm trying to say is that although I became addicted to many things, my mom has had a positive enough influence on me to help pull me out of it-- purely by example-- by memory of her example!-- (even though she drinks in moderation now, and now I'm her inspiration to go back to her old ways of 100% sobriety!!! LOL!)

Never underestimate how much you can offer just by being a good role model! Decades from now, something might stick!!!

Verte

Thanks for your thread Purechaos and thanks for your post Clementina - one of the best things I have ever read as a mom

PurpleKnight

It's something I think about all the time, alcoholism and genetics, there's probably no way to predict these things, and if we could, what could be done about it? as alcoholism can't be fixed or cured, so it's more of a wait and see scenario.

The reason why I say it can't be predicted or guaranteed to follow on from parents is because, I grew up in a family were my dad was an alcoholic but my mum has been teetotal her whole life, so I had best of both worlds, but fast forward and there were 2 different outcomes for myself and my sister, I descended into alcoholism, but my sister didn't, she's a normal drinker.

So in the end my background flags up more questions than answers in my own head!!

Gilmer

Children learn by example. You and your husband should be the best sober parents you can be, and when they get to be school age, begin warning them that drugs and alcohol do bad things to you.

When my oldest was eight, I found her passed out in front of the door--she had abused her asthma inhaler (prednisone)! When she came to, I told her that drugs may feel good for awhile, but they harm your body and trap your mind; when you are feeling the drugs, you give up control of your mind and body to an outside force!

That plus her dad was militantly anti-drug and threatened to throw the kids out of the house if they ever used drugs!

Although she can be manipulative and hardheaded, she has never abused since that moment.

My son was never sneaky or manipulative in any way, yet he grew up to be an alcoholic. He just got into craft beer and liked the sensation of getting bombed. (He's sober now--he was my accountability partner).