Aellyce

Hello, Friends

I'm just about to go out to a meeting with a guy whose personality traits remind me of my fathers'...

What I want to discuss here, and hopefully hear suggestions: how to deal with the potential loss of someone we've loved dearly over a lifetime. I want to be prepared because if I am not, no idea where this could lead me.

It's about my dad. I won't be long and complicated. My father is 83 years old now. We've been like best friends back in my early childhood... then a few years break in my teens (which teenager is not rebellious?)... and back to the friendship ~when I turned 17 and it's been like that ever since: best friends. I need to add that there is nothing too weird or dependent in the relationship: I moved out of the family house at 19 years of age, then out of my home country at 23, and have been living geographically far from my dad ever since. I usually visit 1-2 times a year. When he was a bit younger, he also came to stay with me in different countries and places where I'd lived - he also loved to travel.

What's making me sad these days is that he obviously no longer has the the "limitless" possibilities of life that he and I so loved to imagine and cherished in the past... He's still reasonably healthy, but has been declining in certain ways over the past couple years. He tells me all possible details of this... his physical condition... his emotions... his thoughts of death...

Before he was always positive, but recently he started talking to me a lot about natural disasters, bad movements in politics in the world and in our country, how he's scared alone... etc etc. We just had a long convo today and he was full of fear.
I interpret these as his fears of death more intensely now.

I'm not sure what I should do... Should I take a break from my work and my life in NY and go back to stay with him? Should I just talk with him on the phone frequently, as we do?

Also, you may see from these comments above that I love my father very much. I'm not usually like this, and this has not happened to me before, but I really fear his death. Including how it might affect me?

I've even contemplated going on the antidepressants that I was debating a few weeks ago on this board, now. I had a major depressive episode before, less than 2 years ago. Apparently we are predisposed to have additional episodes after having one. It was very difficult for me; now that I know it: I don't really want to be there again. Also, still many people depend on me at work and they don't want to deal with my *** either.

Would it be a good prevention for me to go on the antidepressants now, as a preventive measure, given what the death of my father could trigger?

I discussed it with my therapist a couple weeks ago, he said he agreed with me but ultimately it's my choice.

Alright, I got to run now..

PurpleKnight

As I was growing up I always had thoughts and fears of my parent's passing away, it was always something I didn't know how I'd react or deal with if it ever happened.

My dad's passing is in no way the best way to deal with things, at the time I'd rekindled my relationship with him a few years earlier, we had drifted a apart after my parents got divorced but I was able to regain some kind of friendship with him before he passed away. At the time I was up to my eyes in alcoholism and guess how I dealt with it? yeap in a bottle, I stayed over at his then empty house alone woth a few days off work and drank myself into a figurative coma!!

In contrast I still think about my mum passing as I always have, she is still alive, and I wonder what would happen when the time comes, her health since getting older has become more fragile, more trips to the doctor, more medication for blood pressure, blood sugar cholesterol etc etc, I remember asking her if she wanted me stay more at her house at holidays or if there was anything I could help out with, just ask, she told me don't worry about her, she is happy just hearing from me on the phone every few days, and hearing all the news about what is going on in my own life.

I think it got me to realise that parents want their children to continue with their own lives, not to be held back by the inevitable ageing that occurs in life, I realised that if i had children I wouldn't want them fussing over me either, go and find your own life.

I suppose haennie, I'd be of the opinion to not put your life on hold for this type of fear, as if you asked your dad he probably wouldn't want you to either, however saying that I do make sure I keep up with phone calls and when I do have time off and during holidays I visit and spend quality time with not only my mum but other relatives who I would miss if they were no longer here.

For me when it happens I also need to ensure my Sobriety is rooted in something strong, something with a sound foundation, I have the permanent memory of how I handled my dad's passing, with many regrets, and part of me would want to honour my mum's life in a more respectful way than drowning myself in a bottle!!

It'll take time to figure it out haennie, but I have no doubt you'll find the best way forward!!

Anna

I can tell you my situation.

I was quite close to my father. Ten years ago my mother died and he got into the same issues that you talked about with your father. In most phone calls he wanted to talk about sadness, illness, loneliness, fear of illness and death, planning his funeral obsessively, etc. I muddled through a few years of this kind of talk (seeing him occasionally) and, then I realized I couldn't keep investing emotionally with him. I had to step back and not allow myself to be drawn in so much. No matter how much caring I offered, it wasn't enough and it was causing me a lot of stress. I'm not sure what is the right thing for you to do, but above all, take care of yourself and maintain your recovery and peace.

Notimetoloose

Hey heanni, My mum just past on Tuesday, early in the morning, I was with her and as her laboured breathing relaxed and then she went......
Her funeral is tomorrow. I have been busy in a erratic, unorganised way in preparation... At this stage, I am not really coping but apart from the speed of my speech I don't think anyone really knows how badly I am not coping, I am pretty sure a big part of it is the sleep deprivation....I have had many thoughts about drinking but am really doing ok there, I just could not handle the mental fatigue that drinking brings.

AlcoholFree66

Haennie - my experience. I had been sober for 6 years and 1 month. I had supported my best friend though her battle with cancer for the final two years of that time. The night I got home after her funeral I picked up a glass of wine. Not the shoelace drunk thing they talk about in AA - I was in such desperate pain - it had been such a long road and lots of other crap came up in the couples of years after her death. I didn't deal with any of it well due to my drinking - I really don't know what was grief and what was depression from the alcohol abuse. She died nearly 5 years ago and I have only been sober two and a half months. That's just my story. I feel for you but I'm sure you won't follow my pathway. You are very wise to be considering how your Dad's death will affect you.

Dee74

I'm very sorry for your loss notimetolose.

I have no experience here Haennie - both my parents are still active and healthy.
I can only wish you clarity and strength to find the right path for you.

D

trachemys

Maybe it's time for a visit. See him in person and take stock of the situation.

As far as the AD's. I'd probably keep a prescription in my pocket.

biminiblue

haennie, all of my family has now died. My Dad when he was just 41, my grandmother at 72, my grandfather at 85, my mother at 67, my stepdad at 72. They all passed quickly without extended medical or emotional problems except my grandfather.

They all led their own lives. I miss every one of them and have both good and bad memories. I offered to help my grandfather, to move to him and help, but he just never answered me on that. My mother offered to have him live with them. He was the only one of all of them who became lonely and depressed in the end. In hindsight I feel it was his choice, and I took it as such. Unfortunately the end is not easy for some of us, but many go peacefully.

You are a strong and intelligent woman who will face the inevitable loss of your beloved father with grace and dignity.

chicory

Haennie,

would it seem too codependent to check to see if your dad might need an antidepressant? I would guess that some elders need them too, at times.
I know a lot of older folks, and I am sure that they think of death, but to be overly fixated on it may signal a need for a visit to the doctor. Perhaps an anti-d would give him a much better quality of life.
It might not be something he would consider on his own, being from a generation that did not use them as much as we do these days.

hugs,
chicory

Aellyce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YxaaGgTQYM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDM0yAJjlBo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR3Vdo5etCQ

Aellyce

I think I'm far from a codependent, even though I did have mutually addictive relationship in the past. But not a codependent one, I am confident in this one

Jus

Aww ((((Heannie)))) I consider myself an expert when it comes to this. I lost my dad when I was 18, it was unexpected, a shock. Ten years later my mother, it was expected, but still a shock. Two older brothers, my little sister 4 years ago, another brother any time now. But!! We survive. We grieve. We remember the good times and the sad. I really don't have much for family left, but that's how it goes.

I was blessed to be by my little sisters side, up till the day she took her last breath.

So, there really is no way to prepare for the loss of a loved one, other then being there for them, the best way you know how to, without exhausting yourself. You need to take care of yourself, this is a normal part of life, sad fact.

Your gut will tell you what to do. As mentioned, you're a smart, loving, caring women. Who now, needs to take care of the beautiful woman that you are.

If you feel you need to use anti-depressants, then by all means use them.

I wish I could give you a hug.

I wish I had an easy answer for you.

I can give you a lot of love though

Take care of yourself.

A big hug, packed with a lot of love.

Jus

((((Notimetoloose))))), I'm so so sorry about your recent loss.

Big hugs

LadyBlue0527

I'll offer my situation too. I was Daddy's girl.

My father lived in Florida and his health was declining. It was March and I knew that he would be flying back to Maine in June for a visit. He had sporadic episodes with his heart and had a device implanted in his chest that would shock him if his heart went out of rhythm. On the night of March 14th, 2001 I called him as I did nightly to see how he was doing. He was playing cards with my aunt and a few other people. He sounded different, he always had a mighty voice and was always boisterous but his voice was low this evening. Towards the end of the call he asked "Are you kids coming down here soon?". He was referring to my husband and me. I thought this quite odd as he was coming home in June. I said "No Dad, I've really been working a lot lately and you'll be coming back in June". Yes indeed, that work was soooooooooooooo important. He said "Ok". Then we said our love yous and goodbyes.

The next morning my Aunt called. My father had died of a massive heart attack. My airhead stepmother even had to offer information that I didn't care to hear about the whole episode and that freaking thing in his chest going off over and over and over again. If only I had known. I am over blaming myself for this and I know that my father would not have wanted me to live the rest of my life beating myself up over it.

What you decide to do has to be the best thing for you. However, you only get one Dad and it sounds like you have the same relationship with him that I had with mine. There is no preparation for this loss other than the understanding that you will learn to live with the pain. Take time to make sure that when he does leave this world you'll never have to speak the words "I wish I had....."

fini

how to deal with the potential loss of someone we've loved dearly over a lifetime. I want to be prepared because if I am not, no idea where this could lead me.

haennie,
the loss is not potential.
it is certain.

that's just a fact, so no use saying otherwise.

my thinking about this and attempting to "deal with" this is to answer the question "is the glass half full or half empty?" with this answer: the glass is already broken.


what i'm saying is: it will happen. there's no way to be really prepared, and no way of knowing ahead of time where it will lead you.
the already-broken glass tells me to make sure i'm present NOW with the person when i'm with them.
in that sense, the sense of everyone already being dead, i can let go of the concern about that eventually happening and really be here when i'm with him/her/them.
and it's okay. better than.
really.

led to some places i couldn't have expected.

Pondlady

Heannie,
I've recently spent some time helping my Dad. He is 79, and not in good health. My three and a half week stay was longer than I expected and at times was stressful. I don't regret a minute of it. I was relieved when I returned home, to spend some time on myself, as it was draining.

chicory

Haennie, I was not at all suggesting that you are codie... far from it. I think you sound reasonably concerned about your father.

wishing him well,
chicory

Venecia

Haennie, I'll add my experience, though first my sympathy to other posters who have lost a parent.

One of the many good reasons I had to get sober (as if there's a good reason *not* to ...) was the growing knowledge that my parents wouldn't be around forever. If nothing changed, things would go from bad to worse. My mother's health has not been good; I knew the dreaded day would come sometime.

It didn't quite play out that way. My father, seemingly the healthier one, died unexpectedly in his sleep seven weeks ago.

You ask what it's like, how to prepare. Well, it's awful. And while I think it's healthy to be mentally prepared, you're never fully ready.

One thing that has provided comfort to me is that, like you, my father and I were close. There were no unresolved conflicts. I ended every conversation by telling him I loved him and he said the same.

And I think that's how you prepare. Let him know you love him. Focus on the lifetime you've had together. When the end comes, it's the entirety of your relationship with your father that will matter. I think the change in his outlook is fairly normal. My father expressed some similar observations -- I've heard that from others, too. The absence of conflict in your relationship is a gift you'll come to treasure greatly when the hard day arrives. Its value cannot be understated.

Unlike you, I live fairly close to my parents and could visit often -- and did so with increasing frequency in recent years.

Only you can know whether to go back. (Perhaps your work situation would permit an extended leave?) But it certainly sounds like your father supported your desire to live and work in different and interesting places -- and enjoyed visiting them with you. Those memories will matter greatly someday. My own counsel would be that, whatever you choose, you not build up a reservoir of guilt about being far away. It won't help, but it could hurt.

Remember, we're the fortunate ones. In both SR and my life in general, I've come to know that unresolved conflict with parents is a cruel thing. And that some parents are themselves so toxic and damaging that reconciliation is not only impossible, but any attempts to achieve it would themselves only create more harm. We got lucky.

Give your father a call tomorrow. Tell him you love him. It may be the millionth time he's heard but it he'll be glad to hear it and you'll take comfort in the fact that you can still express it. When all is said and done, that's what matters the most.

Nuudawn

Your post is timely for me today. I spent the day with my father...which is fairly uncommon for me. Sobriety gave me that today. Knowing I had sometime off from work I needed to fill...I made plans with my dad. He is 85...so I hear you loud and clear.

I have no wisdom in this respect. Your post just resonated deeply with me today. Thank you.

Croissant

Haennie, I think you should go with your gut feel. Deep down.

But also think through what going back would mean...playing the tape forward, I guess. Will your Father become dependent on you being there and what does that mean for your own sanity/sobriety?

I've had to step back from my Father recently as I saw how dependent he was becoming on me, and how I'd spent a lot of time "fixing" everything when it wasn't seeming right to me.

It is hard to see a loved one become jaded and depressed as they age. My Dad is still very young, but he has aged a lot since the death of my steppmother earlier this year.

I took time off work during her illness and to help, and my Father became more and more "useless" during the process. In the end, I basically had to return back home and step right away after her death. Otherwise, he would have been happy for me to move in, become his mother and, well....it doesn't bear thinking about. Also, he'd been becoming quite negative etc, and I wasn't quite ready for how nasty he was face to face. That was difficult.

So, it is a difficult choice, finding that balance of support, managing guilt vs helpfulness, not to mention the whole "death is forever" and potential to live with regret thing.