kellygurl1711

The honeymoon phase has ended for me. I woke up one day and thought to myself, I'm 23, been in aa for 3months now and it seems like nothing's changed (even tho i know that's ********...everything's changed!) My dark and twisty as i call it has been trying very hard to pull me back in. My alcoholism is doing push ups. I cut myself just a tiny cut last Thursday. In a week the cutting has gotten worse and the urges are just as intense as drinking urges when i was actively drinking. I did it again today even tho i know i should stop but it's like i can get away with cutting, if i drink EVERYONE will know and I'd have to start my 4months all over again...it gives me a euphoria and makes me feel in control. i can't handle feelings. I'm told to excercise to release the built up energy and emotion...which will also release endorphins. Anyone else have cutting issues trying to recover from alcoholism? I feel so alone. On top of it I'm afraid to tell my sponsor i cut again...she didn't sign up for this. What if she drops me? I'm still going to meetings and working the steps tho. And i still have no desire to drink even tho my alcoholism is poking at me.

aborkie

What are you cutting?

kellygurl1711

My hip area...why does that matter

biminiblue

You would do well to get some professional help with that before you get infections or worse - I've been involved with a similar issue in the long ago past.

It's no way to handle emotions and it won't get better without help. There are actually medications that help, too. Please reach out to someone - your doctor, the nearest hospital, someone.

((hugs))

I know how it feels to turn all anger, frustration and fear in on myself. I'm also an alcoholic.

Raider

Honey go get help.

aborkie

With a knife? Why?

Anna

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Have you talked to your dr about the cutting, or perhaps considered talking to a therapist. There is help for you.

Thepatman

I hope you can ask for some help my friend. Don't be embarrassed about it, please get help. Cutting yourself is serious business.

Hope you stay safe

Dee74

Hi Kellygurl

Not everyone understands cutting.I'm reliably informed this is a great forum
bus • Index page

(not pushing you away just trying to get you some help and understanding. I know others here have experience with cutting and will be along soon, no doubt )

As for your alcohol problem - whats your main recovery support at the moment?.

D

kellygurl1711

My main recovery support is AA...I've been going to meetings every day for 3months. I have a sponsor and she knows about the cutting. I have a therapist now and she also knows...I'm scared to death i might need further help

Dee74

I don't know if you need further help or not...but if you *do* need further help it's not a judgement on you, your mental health, or your recovery, it's just what needs to happen I think, Kelly

what step are you on?

D

kellygurl1711

Step 6..been on it for a month

Dee74

Thanks. I'm not an AA guy...I only asked because steps 4 5 and 6 seem to dredge up a lot of 'stuff' for most people.

Confronting our pasts and a moral inventory is pretty heavy stuff. If you need more support I reckon go out and find it

D

lostinthetrees

Hi Kelly,

I, too, used to cut and burn (mostly burn) myself. That was back in my darker days. I used to think that I just took pleasure from the sensation. That was true, in part, but in retrospect the events were largely a coping mechanism when faced with overwhelming emotional situations. I stopped doing it long before I got sober (sober 31 days, quit burning/cutting years ago). I think, in part, I was tired of hiding the wounds and explaining the scars to those who couldn't understand.

I totally understand the idea of it being a kind of release that is not easily detected and which is not technically breaking your commitment to sobriety. I have struggled with many addictions and compulsive behaviors for a very long time. In my early sobriety this time around, my mind has been fixating on these other forms of release quite often. But when I truly consider these urges, I find them to be so similar to my alcoholic urges that I have to extend my commitment to sobriety to include these things too. I feel that it is the same diseased part of my mind that leads (or has lead) me to carry out these behaviors that I know are not healthy.

As far as your AA sponsor, I don't know if it is possible for some people to understand. Perhaps look for some support on this elsewhere and lean on your sponsor where she can truly offer experience based support. At first glance the website Dee's suggested seems like a pretty solid start.

Finally, I have found recently that intense exercise truly does come close to providing the same euphoric, "back of the neck" feeling as cutting/burning. I use a bike now to get that feeling!

Best of luck to you! You can do this!! Heal your whole mind.

needingabreak

Hi Kelly,
Has your therapist recommended anything to help you stop the urge to cut? I realize this helps release the feelings but you don't want to go from one problem to another and cutting can get out of control if you are not careful. Not judging here at all. We all have our own "stuff." As Bimini stated above there are also medications that might help. Have you talked with a medical doctor? I hope you can find someone who will help you deal with the cutting issue so you can get it under control and move forward. You will find many caring supportive people here. Hugs.

kellygurl1711

First, congrats on 31days!!! hell yeah! second, i too feel like the compulsion comes from the same diseased part of my mind as my alcoholism. I'm going to try very hard to put cutting myself into my definition of sobriety. My sobriety means EVERYTHING to me. I'll be getting through tomorrow one minute at a time. Thanks for all of the support everyone!!!!!

RolyPoly

hang in there KellyGurl. get whatever help you need and don't be too hard on yourself. progress, not perfection.

Renarde

Yes, used to cut. Therapy helped. I really encourage you to get some additional treatment beyond AA.

carguysgirl

When you get the urge to cut get yourself outside immediately no matter what the weather (be site to dress appropriately! ) and start walking. Fast and hard. Find a healthy mantra and repeat it. Let your mind go where it will and accept the thoughts but don't focus on them. Let the thoughts through and back to your mantra. Mine is "i am , I am strong."....something simple and positive to focus on. If is day time and there's a rescue near you I kid you not-go in and volunteer to walk a dog. Repeat above instructions while walking the dog. It becomes even more effective with a dog to your wrist!
be well

FreeOwl

I have personal experience with alcohol struggles... and a couple close friends who dealt with cutting in their lives.

All I really have to offer is that my friends were able to work beyond their cutting issues by getting help from counselors.

I just wanted to echo the thoughts that I hope you will reach out for help with this.