Day 3. Thinking of summer…..
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Day 3. Thinking of summer…..
But strangely? I think my brain is working today. Maybe it’s all of this praying I’ve been doing for my HP to help me… Could it be?!?!
I have a friend who is relapsing tell me today about his plan to go on vacation in a few weeks and how it’s gonna be a crazy party etc. etc….. how it’s summer and he might as well have fun and get it out of his system now. He can always “come back” to AA or treatment after the summer. My crazy brain has told me this too – ALL SUMMER SO FAR. And so far, it’s gotten me nowhere but hangovers, missed work, and weekends filled with drunken black out binges in which I humiliate myself and want to ACTUALLY DIE by the time Sunday comes around.
But I continue to envision my summer like something out of a Bud Light commercial. Partying on a boat in the hot sun with a drink in my hand, buzzed but not wasted, blaring music and having a blast with a bunch of sexy men surrounding me. Or sitting on a patio with a glass of wine in my hand with a bunch of good girl friends, having the absolute time of my life, (again, always buzzed, but not wasted, because in these fairy tale images I somehow know how to control my drinking – like wtf??) In reality, I’d be puking over the side of the boat with vomit in my hair, while my fiancé yells at me and everybody else looks at me in disgust because I've ruined the day. Or I’d be on that patio in a blackout, saying inappropriate things getting us all kicked out, and not remember anything that happened the next day anyways.
So today I am trying to picture how drinking is going to ruin the rest of my summer. Not the fairy tale in my head, which doesn’t actually exist for me anways. See, I have a brain that lies to me. Constantly. It puts these fairy tale images in my head that will never, ever come true. It’s been years and years of pictures like this, and years and years of it always turning out differently.
(Enough with the lies already brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
I can also envision the rest of my summer going something like this:
- Sober days at the lake, with sober friends to keep me accountable. Wakeboarding, tubing etc.
- Iced lattes on Starbucks patios with AA friends.
- Working with my sponsor and going through the steps.
- Lots of meetings
- Running outside, working out, getting in better shape.
- Going out for nice, low key dinners with my fiancé, at restaurants which won’t trigger me to drink or party.
- Walking my dog in the sunshine.
- Tanning by the pool with sober friends.
And THAT summer, while there isn’t much chaos or drama or excitement involved, is an actual reality for me. Yes, there may be boring periods, there may be cravings that I have to work through, there may be tough days, but overall, if I do the things that I’m supposed to be doing (meetings, steps, do NOT DRINK NO MATTER WHAT), I can actually make that summer happen.
And what more on earth could I ask for than that?
Those are my day 3 thoughts. I think they’re pretty good
I have a friend who is relapsing tell me today about his plan to go on vacation in a few weeks and how it’s gonna be a crazy party etc. etc….. how it’s summer and he might as well have fun and get it out of his system now. He can always “come back” to AA or treatment after the summer. My crazy brain has told me this too – ALL SUMMER SO FAR. And so far, it’s gotten me nowhere but hangovers, missed work, and weekends filled with drunken black out binges in which I humiliate myself and want to ACTUALLY DIE by the time Sunday comes around.
But I continue to envision my summer like something out of a Bud Light commercial. Partying on a boat in the hot sun with a drink in my hand, buzzed but not wasted, blaring music and having a blast with a bunch of sexy men surrounding me. Or sitting on a patio with a glass of wine in my hand with a bunch of good girl friends, having the absolute time of my life, (again, always buzzed, but not wasted, because in these fairy tale images I somehow know how to control my drinking – like wtf??) In reality, I’d be puking over the side of the boat with vomit in my hair, while my fiancé yells at me and everybody else looks at me in disgust because I've ruined the day. Or I’d be on that patio in a blackout, saying inappropriate things getting us all kicked out, and not remember anything that happened the next day anyways.
So today I am trying to picture how drinking is going to ruin the rest of my summer. Not the fairy tale in my head, which doesn’t actually exist for me anways. See, I have a brain that lies to me. Constantly. It puts these fairy tale images in my head that will never, ever come true. It’s been years and years of pictures like this, and years and years of it always turning out differently.
(Enough with the lies already brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
I can also envision the rest of my summer going something like this:
- Sober days at the lake, with sober friends to keep me accountable. Wakeboarding, tubing etc.
- Iced lattes on Starbucks patios with AA friends.
- Working with my sponsor and going through the steps.
- Lots of meetings
- Running outside, working out, getting in better shape.
- Going out for nice, low key dinners with my fiancé, at restaurants which won’t trigger me to drink or party.
- Walking my dog in the sunshine.
- Tanning by the pool with sober friends.
And THAT summer, while there isn’t much chaos or drama or excitement involved, is an actual reality for me. Yes, there may be boring periods, there may be cravings that I have to work through, there may be tough days, but overall, if I do the things that I’m supposed to be doing (meetings, steps, do NOT DRINK NO MATTER WHAT), I can actually make that summer happen.
And what more on earth could I ask for than that?
Those are my day 3 thoughts. I think they’re pretty good
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Thannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnks I'm feeling kind of cloud nine-ish about it all today! Loving it! I will need to check back on this post when I start feeling mopey or depressed about my "disease" and "all it limits me from doing".
I'm feeling kind of cloud nine-ish about it all today! Loving it! I will need to check back on this post when I start feeling mopey or depressed about my "disease" and "all it limits me from doing".
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