Dojang

I have been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic for 1.5 years. His drinking has gotten very dangerous the last few months. He finally went to rehab & was released last week. He went straight to the liquor store & has been on a huge binge for 6 straight days. I told him I will not stay with him if he continues to drink. His supervisor went to his house today & he is probably going to loose his job. He had a great career & probably just lost it. I have been going by his house to check on him as I did find him almost dead last year & he was hospitalized. I can't be with him but I still feel responsible for making sure he's still alive. Tonight he tried to stand up & fell on top of me. I ended up in the ER. He has never gotten physical with me & this was an accident, but he scared me. I'm afraid to go back tomorrow, but worry if I don't, he will die. I have been hoping to find him unresponsive so I can call rescue & he will be hospitalized, but it hasn't happened. He has no one else. I am lost about what to do. I am going back to Al Anon & scheduled an appointment with a counselor that deals with codependency. But do I go back tomorrow? What if I don't & he dies of alcohol poisoning? His alcoholism is still controlling MY life because I will feel horrible if he dies when I could have checked on him & gotten medical treatment. He will refuse help from rescue, so he needs to be unconscious if I call. I have tried before & he told me if I do again he will refuse.
Thank you for listening. I know I can't stop his drinking.

Dee74

Hi Laurensofn - welcome

Yeah thats a huge responsibility you're shouldering there - the responsibility for someone else's life.

As an alcoholic myself I know that noone else could stop me or save me but myself. In fact I had to hit bottom before I realised how dangerous things were.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor and going back to AlAnon. We also have Family and Friends forums here as well, where you will find more support and experience

I can't tell you not to go back to this guys place - but please be careful - the last thing you want is to end up in the ER again.

D

M88RHM

I think you're doing the right thing,you have to speak to a medical professional and take advice from them. Good luck and well done on your commitment thus far

Dojang

Thank you D! Yes it is a huge responsibility. I tried to give him his house key back but he wouldn't take it. And that's why I feel responsible, because I can get in to make sure he's still alive. He drives drunk to buy more alcohol & I can't believe he hasn't killed someone. I wish I could just walk away. I'm tired of babysitting him I care more about his life than he does. If he took his key back & died, I would feel bad, but I wouldn't feel responsible. Having his key makes me feel responsible.

Dee74

Most of us are pretty adept at emotional manipulation in active addiction. I certainly was.

You could always put the key in the letterbox?

D

Dojang

I can't because I need a key for that. His front door also needs a key to lock from the outside, so I can't even lock his key in his house and leave. The door would be unlocked & I would still feel responsible.

Tamerua

Mail him his key. You have to take care of yourself. And he will or will not take care of himself but that is up to him ultimately. Sending you hugs.

Tonymblue

You need to protect yourself.

trachemys

When you know he's driving drunk, call the cops. Every time. Better he dry out in jail than kill himself and others.

Marcher13

Welcome Laurensofn. You owe yourself the freedom to live your own life , Tamerua's suggestion is a good one. I'm an alcoholic and when I was drinking I was irrational, inclined to hysteria and somewhat irresponsible, the only person who could fix that was me.

Dojang

Thank you everyone for your advice. I called the county CSB to report him, his therapist & treatment facility he just left. I would call the police if I knew when he was driving drunk. I only find out after he does it. I have done all I can. I really appreciate all of your support & suggestions!!

HopefulinFLA

Hi Lauren. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know how hard it can be.

Something to keep mind. We ALL have the ability to make choices. Just as you can choose to not live with him while he's drinking,, he can choose to accept help and get sober. He has not. He has chosen to drink over his career, his relationship with you, and his health.

Check on him if you feel you must, but don't let him make you feel responsible for him and the consequences of his choices.

Glad to hear you're going to therapy and alanon. I found a lot of comfort and peace there.

HealthyK

That's a tough situation to be in. But you are absolutely not responsible for his decisions and I guarantee you that you cannot force him to make a decision. He has to make the decision to stop on his own or it won't stick. And please don't feel bad if he doesn't do it "for you". The addiction is stronger than a lot of things - I lost two relationships because they gave me drinking ultimatums and I walked away because I didn't think I had a problem. The most important thing is to protect yourself. Going to Al-Anon is a good step.

Mail him his key. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself healthy and to stop feeling responsible for his choices. Counseling for co-dependency is a great step also - it helped me immensely, and I hope it helps you also. Stay strong!!

Dojang

Thank you again, everyone. I gave him his key back, called everyone I can to see if they can help, now the rest is up to him. I can no longer let my health, safety and well being suffer because of his choices. Stepping back is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but I have a child to take care of and I need to take care of myself.

PurpleKnight

Hey Lauren, well done on putting YOU and your child first and foremost in your life, it's far from easy, but you can't put your life on hold waiting for someone else to sort out their addiction, if he changes then great, if not then you have been living YOUR life!!