Alphabet

After my last post, I successfully stopped drinking for a week. It felt great. Work has been going well, I've been exceresizing and eating right, and have been feeling pretty upbeat, overall.

Then I started to get angry. Angry that I was setting a goal for myself to not drink when I know that in certain situations I can drink responsibly, just not at home. Angry that I'd be explaining to everyone why I wasn't drinking anymore, avoiding situations that would allow me to be social if the pressure to drink was there. Upset that I'd likely have to avoid some of my favorite restaurants because the cocktails they serve are just as good as the food and atmosphere.

So I caved and had a beer when I went out to dinner. At first, I was disappointed in myself. Moreso because I didn't reach my goal (at least a month no drinking) than the act of drinking itself. I was disappointed that I've shirked yet another responsibility, given up on a goal I've set for myself. That's an area I've been needing to tackle head on for years and years. One I need to do with a clear head.

That was two nights ago. No drinks since, and though I have money, no urge to spend it on booze, though (I'm in dire need of a trip to Sephora) which is a bit surprising since I have a killer migraine and am depressed for some unknown reason; it just came out of nowhere after waking up feeling great and as though it would be a rather productive day.

So, no, I'm no spokesperson for sobriety yet. In fact, I'm not sure when that will be. I know a number of you are concerned, and I sincerely appreciate that. I'm just not sure I'm ready, despite all the scares and countless losses. I know my constant whining and pleas for help have made me a bit unpopular on here. I'll still post here and there and certainly keep reading, but I understand that seeing someone keep failing when given sound advice time and again can be extremely frustrating, so I'll be more considerate of that. Still, like they say, someone has to be ready to stop, and while I won't drink today, I can't make promises for tomorrow or the next day.

I hope you're all doing well. xo

PurpleKnight

I don't know much of your backstory Alphabet, but only you can decide whether change is needed with regards to your drinking!!

SR is in your corner!!

doggonecarl

Angry that you can't drink, disappointed when you do drink. Doesn't sound like a happy spot to be in.

I'll spare you the advice, that way I won't be frustrated, and neither will you.

FreeOwl

I can relate to all of that.

Sometimes, we're just not ready until we're ready.

You're posting here though... there's some reason for that.

What did ya get out of that beer that you wouldn't have gotten?

Is that really something you need or want? Really?

Hang in, hang on, keep reading, keep posting.

EndGameNYC

If I'd waited until I was ready to stop, I'd probably still be drinking.

ScottFromWI

I hope you don't need to lose it all before you do decided to quit Alphabet. There are many who come here and leave, never to be heard from again. The fact that you keep coming back leads me to believe there is part of you that does want to be sober.

I won't bore you with the possible consequences or the ones you've already experienced - those are right here to read in your past posts. Perhaps reading through some of them might be of value.

Dee74

Hi Alphabet

there a lot of AV in this:
It took me 20 years to be ready. In that time I lost nearly everything that was important to me, 2 careers, two long term relationships, my reputation, and my health.

I was lucky. I'm alive and am reasonably intact. Many others don;t make it this far.

There are serious stakes here alphabet - don't let your addiction wrap you in apathy.

Your dreams are important - you are important - don't subjugate yourself and your future to the cheap thrill.

Thepatman

It's impossible for us not to try to help you see that the fire will burn.