Introductions (Liv)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South Portland
Posts: 32
Introductions (Liv)
After seeing Mat post on this site and seeing not only all of his words but also the incredible amount of supportive replies, I decided I would write something as well. Writing has always been an outlet of mine. I have been occasionally documenting, in detail, our heroin use. Writing all of your thoughts when you're strung out and reflecting on them has made me realize how much colder and angrier I am on dope. With that detailed intro I feel I should introduce myself. I am Liv. Currently in between jobs, not yet in school, the things lately that most define who I am is not too detailed. Lost to myself and most others around me, constantly anxious and stressed, addicted to dope and very much in love with the person I care for most in this world, Mat.
We both feel guilt. He feels guilt for getting me back on heroin, re introducing it to me after I had been clean for 2 plus years. Though I constantly tell him it was my decision, my want to do it, I know it hangs over his head. Myself, I feel guilty for not wanting to quit the way he does. I feel he is so much more motivated than myself to be dope free. That he's trying so hard to stop for us, and I'm still wanting to get high and find excuses to continue our usage. I have bad back pain and think that justifies heroin use.
My withdrawals are nothing like his. As he said, he had a seizure last night. I have seen him have them before, but nothing like this. It was terrifying and I felt helpless, seeing him suffer and having to see it, knowing I can do nothing, and knowing me pushing him to finish the rest of our dope the night before, instead of weaning ourselves off played a role in that. I feel I picked trying to get high before his well being. That pains me incredibly, how selfish I have been and am continuing to be. He is trying so hard while I just can't seem to. He has done and continues to do so much for me...I feel I am slowing down his progress.
There is no way I could explain how much I love him. I was in an abusive relationship when my heroin use started, years ago. Without going into too much detail, to try and summarize what it was like, I was not conscious the first time I was shot up. I dated a junkie who did not want to be a junkie alone and whom gave me no choice in what I became. Since that relationship, I was cold hearted and doubted anyone in this world could take the damaged goods I was. But my now fiance came into my life and completely changed who I am as a person for the better, and has loved and supported me through all of my faults. It's so important for me to explain this, to try to show the gravity of the situation and the guilt I carry. If I cannot seem to stop for the one I care for most, the man that will one day be my husband, what can I stop for?
My hope is that we can start our two week plan over again and be successful. I also very much hope that part of me overtakes the part that wants to just keep doing dope recreationally / daily. Any kind of advice would be well appreciated. I am very stuck and scared. I need the better half of me to overtake the half that is content as an addict.
I hope, I hope.
We both feel guilt. He feels guilt for getting me back on heroin, re introducing it to me after I had been clean for 2 plus years. Though I constantly tell him it was my decision, my want to do it, I know it hangs over his head. Myself, I feel guilty for not wanting to quit the way he does. I feel he is so much more motivated than myself to be dope free. That he's trying so hard to stop for us, and I'm still wanting to get high and find excuses to continue our usage. I have bad back pain and think that justifies heroin use.
My withdrawals are nothing like his. As he said, he had a seizure last night. I have seen him have them before, but nothing like this. It was terrifying and I felt helpless, seeing him suffer and having to see it, knowing I can do nothing, and knowing me pushing him to finish the rest of our dope the night before, instead of weaning ourselves off played a role in that. I feel I picked trying to get high before his well being. That pains me incredibly, how selfish I have been and am continuing to be. He is trying so hard while I just can't seem to. He has done and continues to do so much for me...I feel I am slowing down his progress.
There is no way I could explain how much I love him. I was in an abusive relationship when my heroin use started, years ago. Without going into too much detail, to try and summarize what it was like, I was not conscious the first time I was shot up. I dated a junkie who did not want to be a junkie alone and whom gave me no choice in what I became. Since that relationship, I was cold hearted and doubted anyone in this world could take the damaged goods I was. But my now fiance came into my life and completely changed who I am as a person for the better, and has loved and supported me through all of my faults. It's so important for me to explain this, to try to show the gravity of the situation and the guilt I carry. If I cannot seem to stop for the one I care for most, the man that will one day be my husband, what can I stop for?
My hope is that we can start our two week plan over again and be successful. I also very much hope that part of me overtakes the part that wants to just keep doing dope recreationally / daily. Any kind of advice would be well appreciated. I am very stuck and scared. I need the better half of me to overtake the half that is content as an addict.
I hope, I hope.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,451
Hi and welcome Liv 
Like mat you'll find a lot of support here, and that makes all the the difference I think.
You really need your own username though - we ask people to stick to one account/username per user
It's less confusing for us, and it gives both of you a little autonomy too.
Just register under what ever name you like, liv.
D
Like mat you'll find a lot of support here, and that makes all the the difference I think.
You really need your own username though - we ask people to stick to one account/username per user
It's less confusing for us, and it gives both of you a little autonomy too.
Just register under what ever name you like, liv.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South Portland
Posts: 32
MythOfSisyphus, thank you for reading and your support; it's very much appreciated. You made a really great realization for yourself and put a little perspective in for myself. My thoughts are with you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South Portland
Posts: 32
Dee74 I was overwhelmed with the support Mat showed me that he had received which encouraged me to start off by making my own post. But I do now plan on making my own account in the morning! Thank you very much for your kind words.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Uk
Posts: 104
Thank you for your honest post, my partner is also an addict and currently in rehab (every drug imaginable) We didn't choose to stop our using/ drinking overnight, we rode on the crazy train for a while. He chose to stop first and then I followed months after. I saw him getting better and stronger and I wanted to be like that. I couldn't justify my drinking anymore and the effects it was having. He never pushed me to do it, I had to realise for myself and want to do it and I had to have the strength. It took me over a year of wanting to stop to finally name the day and do it. Although we're both addicts we both have our own personal journey to take at our own time. Let go of your guilt, it will only burden and weigh you down. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your partner and it's lovely to feel the support you both have for each other in your posts
Keep posting and please don't feel bad, you are making some amazing life changing steps just by thinking of wanting to stop.
Keep posting and please don't feel bad, you are making some amazing life changing steps just by thinking of wanting to stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South Portland
Posts: 32
bellaboos thank you so much for this, I appreciate hearing others stories / successes. Both of you are in my thoughts and it makes me so happy to hear you found a day where you really wanted to stop. And the amount of love and support we have for the other is what keeps me going, and wanting to find it within me to WANT to quit. Much love to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
With booze I can tell you that the idea of living without ever drinking again seemed baffling, alien- I didn't even seriously consider the possibility of it for many years. But once I did I realized there's a quality of life beyond addiction that you really can't begin to fathom until you taste it.
You can do it! It will be worth it.
You can do it! It will be worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: South Portland
Posts: 32
MythOfSisyphus my friend who has been clean 6 plus months from heroin told me once that his worst days sober were better than his best days on dope. I believe that. What you overcame is amazing and I wish you luck and happiness!
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