Most important person in your life is not part of recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 832
Most important person in your life is not part of recovery
What do you do when the person you love is not part of recovery???? This is my biggest struggle right now. I've had people in AA say "then cut the cord as they are not part of your recovery". But, when that person is someone you love...what do you do?
My husband still drinks. We live in the country. Driving home with an open beer can on the backroads is just "normal". But, not any more. And having a drink on the plane when your wife is sitting next to you, the wife that is trying to not drink. And asking why she hasn't offered a friend a beer when he just did a side job grinding stumps...... But, on the flip side, he would do anything for you, he loves you in more ways than you can imagine. And he is a great guy - helps so many people. But, when you feel like you are on the backburner....what do you do?
I confronted him tonight (and started crying....ugh, I get that from my Mom). And he said he would try. He said he agreed that driving home with an open beer can was not smart. He's 53 years old....does it take a 43 year old to tell him that???
I'm in a turbulence right now. Just need some input.
I'm doing okay, but just need some veterans to give advice.
I have no children. We have been together for going on 18 years. We have a lot of great sober time together, and a lot of great drinking time together, but a lot of bad drinking time together as well.
He has a daughter from his first marriage, and two grandkids.
We click well, and when people think of us, it's one and the other.
Sorry for being all over the place. But, this is my biggest struggle right now.
Help!
My husband still drinks. We live in the country. Driving home with an open beer can on the backroads is just "normal". But, not any more. And having a drink on the plane when your wife is sitting next to you, the wife that is trying to not drink. And asking why she hasn't offered a friend a beer when he just did a side job grinding stumps...... But, on the flip side, he would do anything for you, he loves you in more ways than you can imagine. And he is a great guy - helps so many people. But, when you feel like you are on the backburner....what do you do?
I confronted him tonight (and started crying....ugh, I get that from my Mom). And he said he would try. He said he agreed that driving home with an open beer can was not smart. He's 53 years old....does it take a 43 year old to tell him that???
I'm in a turbulence right now. Just need some input.
I'm doing okay, but just need some veterans to give advice.
I have no children. We have been together for going on 18 years. We have a lot of great sober time together, and a lot of great drinking time together, but a lot of bad drinking time together as well.
He has a daughter from his first marriage, and two grandkids.
We click well, and when people think of us, it's one and the other.
Sorry for being all over the place. But, this is my biggest struggle right now.
Help!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Marjoram 
I think it's pretty rare for any one of us not to have someone in our lives who drinks.
Drinkers are all around us.
I'd been single for a long time when I quit. But I had people I loved who drank too.
I just had to stay focused. This was my journey. My vision of who I could be and who I wanted to be.
I knew recovery was the right way for me to go and I built my own little support network here...and I used the heck out of it when I needed to.
Remember - this is your journey, and even if it feel like you're dancing to s best no one else seems to hear...it's ok..cos all of us hear it too
and don;t worry about your marriage - from what your say it sounds very strong and healthy - things will work out in the end, Marjoram - they always do.
Trust me
D
I think it's pretty rare for any one of us not to have someone in our lives who drinks.
Drinkers are all around us.
I'd been single for a long time when I quit. But I had people I loved who drank too.
I just had to stay focused. This was my journey. My vision of who I could be and who I wanted to be.
I knew recovery was the right way for me to go and I built my own little support network here...and I used the heck out of it when I needed to.
Remember - this is your journey, and even if it feel like you're dancing to s best no one else seems to hear...it's ok..cos all of us hear it too
and don;t worry about your marriage - from what your say it sounds very strong and healthy - things will work out in the end, Marjoram - they always do.
Trust me
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 832
Thanks Dee. This is just my biggest struggle. It's not the parties, it's not the concerts, it's not he social events. It's my marriage and my husband. And I wish I could say it's because he was mean, and hurtful, but he's not. He just doesn't get "this" part of things. I don't expect him to change, I just need his support and strength. He's it for my day to day. Is this so wrong to think this way in my recovery?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Your husbands already said he'll try - I think that's a pretty major show of support...
try not to worry about 'The Future' Marjoram...as difficult, as strange, and as unfamiliar as all this is to you, its the same for your husband.
I have high hopes you'll get through it together,
D
try not to worry about 'The Future' Marjoram...as difficult, as strange, and as unfamiliar as all this is to you, its the same for your husband.
I have high hopes you'll get through it together,
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
what you wrote conveyed to me that he is a little bit open minded. take that as an encouraging sign. he sounds like the type of guy who will do what it takes. maybe the drinking part of him is causing him to be a little slow on realizing how important this is you.
if he doesnt have a problem, then accommodating you will be easy.
my spouse and i know exactly what im comfortable with. because we agreed on it. the actual conversation only took maybe 20 minutes when we got down to it.
right now she goes out whenever she wants( which is not very often), with my blessing. i will even pick her up. i have a free pass to excuse myself from events that give me the willies. she can have beer in the fridge. all the high proof crap is gone though. i dont count her drinks. i figure she knows im now a good resource if she should develop an issue.
also ive committed to talking to her before physically picking up a bottle, no matter what the circumstances.
this is the picture now. she has had to make some adjustments, and did so willingly. once in a while she checks my comfort level. i dont feel like im going to be bar hopping soon. but seeing a can of beer doesnt bother me a bit. if it starts to, im under obligation to speak up.
if he doesnt have a problem, then accommodating you will be easy.
my spouse and i know exactly what im comfortable with. because we agreed on it. the actual conversation only took maybe 20 minutes when we got down to it.
right now she goes out whenever she wants( which is not very often), with my blessing. i will even pick her up. i have a free pass to excuse myself from events that give me the willies. she can have beer in the fridge. all the high proof crap is gone though. i dont count her drinks. i figure she knows im now a good resource if she should develop an issue.
also ive committed to talking to her before physically picking up a bottle, no matter what the circumstances.
this is the picture now. she has had to make some adjustments, and did so willingly. once in a while she checks my comfort level. i dont feel like im going to be bar hopping soon. but seeing a can of beer doesnt bother me a bit. if it starts to, im under obligation to speak up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Bullhead City, AZ
Posts: 16
Stay Stron Marj and remember that you are not responsible for him though - only responsibility you have is your own sobriety. I wish good things for you and he seems like he is listening - that is a good step.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I've had people in AA say "then cut the cord as they are not part of your recovery"
You got some good feedback from Dee and Leviathan and I am sure that more will follow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 832
I do believe that he is feeling my pain right now. He truly said he would try. With that, I should give him the benefit of the doubt, and not worry about what he may or may not do.
Leviathan - thank you for your input and Dee, you are always a rock for us.
We've had a good life together so far, and to just "cut" him off from this part of my life doesn't make sense. If I'm hurting, I feel he should know and be allowed the chance to correct what he can on his end without me asking him to do it. I don't expect him to quit drinking (even though he does drink daily 4-8 beers, and on the weekend more than that), but I would love to see him put forth effort in areas that are dangerous.
I've had people say "sometimes not caring is what you need to do". But, that breaks my heart. I'm not happy with him, now, but I still care. I don't ever want to stop caring....that just makes me cold, and that is not what I want to become when sober.
Leviathan - thank you for your input and Dee, you are always a rock for us.
We've had a good life together so far, and to just "cut" him off from this part of my life doesn't make sense. If I'm hurting, I feel he should know and be allowed the chance to correct what he can on his end without me asking him to do it. I don't expect him to quit drinking (even though he does drink daily 4-8 beers, and on the weekend more than that), but I would love to see him put forth effort in areas that are dangerous.
I've had people say "sometimes not caring is what you need to do". But, that breaks my heart. I'm not happy with him, now, but I still care. I don't ever want to stop caring....that just makes me cold, and that is not what I want to become when sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 832
Thank you Carlotta and Ktsmiau - it's been a rough go lately in our relationship, and I know a big chunk of it is because I'm trying to stay sober (not 100% successful, but working harder than I ever had).
I just know there are so many that would love to have a supportive spouse, and I know I have one, he just has to open his heart and eyes to what he needs to do. And I just don't want to be the one to "push" him if I can help it. I'd love for him to see that his drinking is a problem, too. But, I know that if he sees change in me, that it could open his eyes to change in him as well.
Everyone's opinions and suggestions are falling on a very open mind...so, please fire away!
I just know there are so many that would love to have a supportive spouse, and I know I have one, he just has to open his heart and eyes to what he needs to do. And I just don't want to be the one to "push" him if I can help it. I'd love for him to see that his drinking is a problem, too. But, I know that if he sees change in me, that it could open his eyes to change in him as well.
Everyone's opinions and suggestions are falling on a very open mind...so, please fire away!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tennessee,USA
Posts: 94
You said that you feel he should know what he should do on his end to correct things, without you asking him to do it.
That will cause a lot of hurt on your end. Guys don't " just get it". When we are not requesting them do something they feel that everything is alright. If you are specifically wanting him to do something,you will have to ask. They will never just pick up on it and do it.
When asking,ask in a way for him to decide he wants to do this for you. Not with a can you or could you. Try it with a will you or would you. I hope everything works out for you. It sounds as if you have a really caring husband.
That will cause a lot of hurt on your end. Guys don't " just get it". When we are not requesting them do something they feel that everything is alright. If you are specifically wanting him to do something,you will have to ask. They will never just pick up on it and do it.
When asking,ask in a way for him to decide he wants to do this for you. Not with a can you or could you. Try it with a will you or would you. I hope everything works out for you. It sounds as if you have a really caring husband.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 621
Hi Marjoram - I understand what you are saying - I have been married for over 20 years and my husband is a wonderful man in so many ways - he also has his annoying points just as I do!
Drinking has been an issue for us for years. BUT I am an alcoholic and he isn't. Many, many times I have tried to 'learn to drink normally' and one excuse I've made was "if he can, why can't I?"
Getting sober this time I am not feeling the need to 'monitor' his drinking so much. I am the one with the problem not him. In saying that we have open conversations about his drinking e.g. he knows that I really appreciate him not drinking all 3 nights of the weekend (he doesn't usually drink during the week). Over the years and during the periods I have been sober he has drunk less and less. He knows how I feel about being in a social situation where people are drinking a lot (fortunately this is very rare) - I always have an exit plan, and even if that means him finding his own way home, he respects me for protecting myself.
I guess I'm probably rambling a bit but this has been an issue for us and I really believe it is becoming less of an issue. I believe it is definitely possible for a recovering alcoholic to be married to someone who drinks normally. But it does take work and good communication.
Drinking has been an issue for us for years. BUT I am an alcoholic and he isn't. Many, many times I have tried to 'learn to drink normally' and one excuse I've made was "if he can, why can't I?"
Getting sober this time I am not feeling the need to 'monitor' his drinking so much. I am the one with the problem not him. In saying that we have open conversations about his drinking e.g. he knows that I really appreciate him not drinking all 3 nights of the weekend (he doesn't usually drink during the week). Over the years and during the periods I have been sober he has drunk less and less. He knows how I feel about being in a social situation where people are drinking a lot (fortunately this is very rare) - I always have an exit plan, and even if that means him finding his own way home, he respects me for protecting myself.
I guess I'm probably rambling a bit but this has been an issue for us and I really believe it is becoming less of an issue. I believe it is definitely possible for a recovering alcoholic to be married to someone who drinks normally. But it does take work and good communication.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
When we ask for someone's support, what is it for which we are asking? My wife drinks a glass or two of wine just about every night. She drinks if we go out, etc. Otherwise, she supports me by letting me do my own thing about recovery.
I think it very difficult for a person that does not have an issue to understand what it is like for us or what they need to do or should do. Really our recovery is personal and not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. I always had issues when I based my recovery on something other than myself.
I think it very difficult for a person that does not have an issue to understand what it is like for us or what they need to do or should do. Really our recovery is personal and not dependent on what someone else does or does not do. I always had issues when I based my recovery on something other than myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
focus on YOUR recover. Practice FAITH - every day - that all will unfold as it should. Be supportive of your husband if he chooses to join you in sobriety. Be compassionate if he doesn't - and focus on YOUR recovery.
Your marriage, your relationship, your husband's path regarding alcohol... those are all long-term things and they will unfold.
Right now, right here, today... your sobriety is your focus.
Your marriage, your relationship, your husband's path regarding alcohol... those are all long-term things and they will unfold.
Right now, right here, today... your sobriety is your focus.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Originally Posted by Marjoram 
I don't expect him to change, I just need his support and strength. He's it for my day to day. Is this so wrong to think this way in my recovery?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Leeds
Posts: 399
My girlfriend drinks, she's out drinking tonight actually. But she drinks responsibly. Sometimes I miss hanging out with her on nights like tonight but other than that it's not an issue. She doesn't really understand addiction or why I can't "just have a couple" but she doesn't press me about it. Most importantly, she would never drink in front of me, or
bring alcohol into my home.
I don't think you can expect your husband to go teetotal, that's his choice. But there should but boundaries out of respect for you.
bring alcohol into my home.
I don't think you can expect your husband to go teetotal, that's his choice. But there should but boundaries out of respect for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I think it is hard enough changing one's own life without worrying about changing someone else's in the deal. Some folk on these boards get awful worked up about what other people are doing or not doing to help them in their own efforts towards sobriety, I just don't think any of that stuff is really material to the big issue. They can help, or not help. Your objective remains exactly the same, either way.
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