gingasaurus

I'm sure if I really took the time I could make a great first post, introduce myself and talk about my issues, but I feel if I take too much time I'll talk myself out of posting all-together.

I'm in love with an addict and I'm finally accepting that I'm codependent and he is my addiction. I grew up in a family of addicts. When I moved away to college I distanced myself from all of that. I never drank, partied, had sex or did anything that is typically associated with reckless college kids.

I know I have my own struggles with addiction; at various times in my life I have had problems with video games, gambling, shopping and alcohol, but my one and only constant addiction is love.

I have been with my current boyfriend for 15 months now and we've lived together that entire time. He struggles with alcohol, cocaine, crack, and is a daily pot smoker (everything else is moderated, I guess).

I have fallen into the trap of trying to make him want to go to meetings, hoping he'll come to the idea of recovery on his own, and just plain enabling him. I know I cannot change him, but it is time, I realize, to change myself.

Since we've been together I've lost myself. I stopped seeing my friends because they were all males and I didn't want to cause relationship problems with my bf's jealousy issues. I stopped participating in my hobbies because they all happen on my bf's days off and I feel guilty enjoying something without him when he's not at work (and I worry what he'll do without my supervision). I have declined invitations to family events because they don't fit with his schedule, I've neglected to buy myself necessities in favor of buying him treats and I even lost a job because he said if I went to work that he'd end up calling his crack guy as soon as I left.

Long story short, I can't keep doing this to myself. I love him, I don't want to leave him, I want everything to work out, but the only way I am going to get through this is if I can be myself again. I have made my entire life about him and his needs and his family and to a point, that's okay, I suppose, but it's not at an okay point right now.

I'm going to start going to al-anon meetings, I just have to find the right one at the right time. I'm going to start doing things for me. I'm going to start standing up for myself.

So that's why I'm here. His addiction is no secret, but everyone in his life except for me thinks he's in recovery. I have to carry the burden of the truth and hide it from his family and mine. I just can't do it alone any more. I need a place to go where I can talk about what we're going through and what I'm going through without judgement and with empathy and understanding through common experiences.

I want to change. I have to change. And it's starting today.

Thanks for reading, I guess I got a little more in-depth than I intended, but there you have it.

least

I'm glad you found us and joined us. You'll find a lot of support here, as well as on the Friends and Family forums. Feel free to post anywhere. I'm sure you'll find people who have been in your shoes and understand.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Gingasauras

I think you're very self aware - I don't think it's ever a good idea to subsume your life into someone else's - alcoholic, addict or not.

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here
D

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!! Great have you onboard!!

Marcher13

Welcome to SR ginger