Demelza
Love Is A Verb
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 4
Demelza
Hi, my name is Demelza and I have been recovering from alcohol addiction for 14 months now. I live in Napier, New Zealand and this is my 1st ever experience of joining any type of online group or forum so may appear very 'green'. I have been really struggling with my reality this year and the euphoria of last years alcohol free 1st few months has gone and I am feeling quite the opposite now. It's amazing how much alcohol determines your reality and every day life, friends and especially your social life! My life has changed immensely and I rarely see those friends and my social life is pretty non existent now . I wanted to join this forum to connect with others who have and are experiencing overcoming addictions and who can relate. Especially painful for me is my marriage of 21 years is very quickly unraveling as my husband is still living my old life and is drinking and partying like nothing has changed. So hello to you all, I hope I can work out how to operate this forum and look forward to being part of it. 
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
Welcome Demelza! You will get lots of support here. Although you are struggling right now, know that you are making the right decision not using alcohol to numb your emotions. I'm sorry to hear that you don't have the support of your spouse. Keep posting here, you will realize that you are not alone in your situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Demelza! Welcome to SR. It is hard when your spouse is still leading a rock and roll lifestyle when you are staying sober. My husband was still drinking when I stopped.
I have been slowly making friends with women I've met in AA. Do you have an in person support network? I've found it helps me a lot. That, and coming here.
I have been slowly making friends with women I've met in AA. Do you have an in person support network? I've found it helps me a lot. That, and coming here.
Love Is A Verb
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone for your welcoming and kind words of acknowledgement and encouragement I don't belong to an AA group as I work from early afternoon until 9pm at night so makes it difficult to attend as most meeting at lunchtime or early evening, although working these hours has been a blessing as initially got me through those difficult early evening wanting to drink times. It is amazing how entrenched alcohol seems to be in our lives and how so much revolves around it, even watching tv programmes it is often set in alochol related situations. I find it nearly impossible to be at any social occasion where it's not about drinking and find the really difficult now. I struggle with lots of different emotions and 1 of my biggest is I feel inadequate and boring , while everyone else is having a few drinks and having fun and I can't do that anymore. I have had lots of time now to observe these gatherings from a sober point of view an see how much alcohol is involved in emotional bonding, how it frees up inhibitions and people are connecting, dancing, flirting with their partners etc and I find it so hard now as no longer part of that and that is when my feelings of being boring , flawed and inadequate really hit me. The very fact that I had a drinking problem and had to stop causes me a huge sense of not being normal and a painful sense of failure. I feel so boring now!!! Drinking was the 1 thing my husband and I did that connected us and we had so many amazing times and of course some really horrible times, we have lost that now and it has changed everything for me and that connection has gone, I feel it is only a matter of time before he finds someone else to enjoy these 'connections' with. I'm sorry to be sounding so negative but have sat with these feelings alone now for a long time and has being very difficult lately , I have had sudden waves of sadness and depression wash over me and don't quite know what to do when that happens . In a way I was lucky that I had to stop drinking as it started causing me extreme anxiety the next day and I was having very bad panic attacks so the fear of those overcame the desire to drink. I still really grieve and wish it wasn't like that though and that I could be a normal person.
I don't belong to an AA group as I work from early afternoon until 9pm at night so makes it difficult to attend as most meeting at lunchtime or early evening, although working these hours has been a blessing as initially got me through those difficult early evening wanting to drink times. It is amazing how entrenched alcohol seems to be in our lives and how so much revolves around it, even watching tv programmes it is often set in alochol related situations. I find it nearly impossible to be at any social occasion where it's not about drinking and find the really difficult now. I struggle with lots of different emotions and 1 of my biggest is I feel inadequate and boring , while everyone else is having a few drinks and having fun and I can't do that anymore. I have had lots of time now to observe these gatherings from a sober point of view an see how much alcohol is involved in emotional bonding, how it frees up inhibitions and people are connecting, dancing, flirting with their partners etc and I find it so hard now as no longer part of that and that is when my feelings of being boring , flawed and inadequate really hit me. The very fact that I had a drinking problem and had to stop causes me a huge sense of not being normal and a painful sense of failure. I feel so boring now!!! Drinking was the 1 thing my husband and I did that connected us and we had so many amazing times and of course some really horrible times, we have lost that now and it has changed everything for me and that connection has gone, I feel it is only a matter of time before he finds someone else to enjoy these 'connections' with. I'm sorry to be sounding so negative but have sat with these feelings alone now for a long time and has being very difficult lately , I have had sudden waves of sadness and depression wash over me and don't quite know what to do when that happens . In a way I was lucky that I had to stop drinking as it started causing me extreme anxiety the next day and I was having very bad panic attacks so the fear of those overcame the desire to drink. I still really grieve and wish it wasn't like that though and that I could be a normal person.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
It's so good to meet you Demelza. I'm sorry for the struggle you're having. 14 mos. is a wonderful accomplishment.
Knowing I was no longer alone meant everything to me when I joined SR. It was so comforting to be able to discuss my feelings with people who really understood. As difficult as it is to have this huge lifestyle change, you were so wise to stop when you did. I wish I'd had the sense to. I felt boring too - and was determined to hold on to the fun part of drinking. That way of thinking almost cost me my life. You did the right thing - your health was suffering, and it couldn't continue. I hope being here with us will help.
Knowing I was no longer alone meant everything to me when I joined SR. It was so comforting to be able to discuss my feelings with people who really understood. As difficult as it is to have this huge lifestyle change, you were so wise to stop when you did. I wish I'd had the sense to. I felt boring too - and was determined to hold on to the fun part of drinking. That way of thinking almost cost me my life. You did the right thing - your health was suffering, and it couldn't continue. I hope being here with us will help.
Love Is A Verb
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 4
Thank you so much Heyven , it certainly does help joining SR just being able to talk and not keeping everything inside is a huge help . You are so right that is what I have been doing lately holding on to the 'fun part of drinking' wondering will I ever be able to dance, flirt and unrestarainedly intimate again? And yes it is a momentous life change and most definitely doesn't help that I am facing another huge life change being 50! I loved your quotes too, thank you again 
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