Living with an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
Living with an alcoholic.
Hi everyone I may not be welcome/allowed on this forum as i'm not an alcoholic, if not please let me know! My partner is an alcoholic and it's tearing not only us apart but his family. It might be a long read which is usually a put off but i'm desperate and I appreciate any advice!
I'm 21, and hes 24. Please don't give me the 'you're too young' or 'you have your life ahead of you' talk. I will NOT leave because of an opinion and i hear it weekly from friends, family including his family! I got with him (Daniel) when I was 16, he's my soul mate. I'd always known he had a problem but never knew to the extent till we moved in together. It was firsty phone calls when he was drunk and we were younger and he would be verbally abusive and jealous claiming i'd been with other men, he'd then threaten to cut me into pieces and burn the remains so on. I knew it was just words and the next day it would be ok. When i was 19 we moved into flat together and two weeks later my uncle passed away. At the wake Daniel got so drunk and once back at home he started arguing with me over a phone charger, he smashed all the windows, punched holes in the doors, grabbed me by the throat and claimed he'd took a load of tablets and was eventually admitted to hospital.
Over the years theres been so many similar events however he's never gotten physical again, however eachtime he gets worse. His family would stick up for him though! Eventually it went from smashing the house to walking the streets with knives, causing fights with groups of lads and ending up in A & E. At one point he invited a group of girls and lads to our home for a house party whilst i was on night shift which lead to him being in hospital and at the time we were waiting to find out if he'd been left braindead. Not long after he found one of the lads and threatened him with a knife, he was given a 3 month curfew/tag by the courts.
We moved house and decided on a new start, he promised not to drink again. We made friends with the neighbours and settled in well. 3 months later i came home from work late (ironically i work with people left brain damaged due to alcohol/drug abuse) and a neighbour pulled me over to say Daniel had turned up drunk, started fights, threatened people with knives and ended up getting arrested. I was left dealing with numerous men at my door demanding to know where he was or saying they would smash my house up. He was released the next day but the neighbours wont talk to us which i totally understand and i'm the talk of my work place. Its gotten so bad my family are sick of hearing about it, his family are even begging me to kick him out and make him fend for himself. When he's sobar he's the most amazing person i've met, he works hard and treats me well but I can't deal with the other side of him and the trouble hes causing. He claims its because of the sexual abuse he dealt with when he was 6 but I was raped from being 5 til i was 11 and find it a pathetic excuse. There must be something i can do!?
I'm 21, and hes 24. Please don't give me the 'you're too young' or 'you have your life ahead of you' talk. I will NOT leave because of an opinion and i hear it weekly from friends, family including his family! I got with him (Daniel) when I was 16, he's my soul mate. I'd always known he had a problem but never knew to the extent till we moved in together. It was firsty phone calls when he was drunk and we were younger and he would be verbally abusive and jealous claiming i'd been with other men, he'd then threaten to cut me into pieces and burn the remains so on. I knew it was just words and the next day it would be ok. When i was 19 we moved into flat together and two weeks later my uncle passed away. At the wake Daniel got so drunk and once back at home he started arguing with me over a phone charger, he smashed all the windows, punched holes in the doors, grabbed me by the throat and claimed he'd took a load of tablets and was eventually admitted to hospital.
Over the years theres been so many similar events however he's never gotten physical again, however eachtime he gets worse. His family would stick up for him though! Eventually it went from smashing the house to walking the streets with knives, causing fights with groups of lads and ending up in A & E. At one point he invited a group of girls and lads to our home for a house party whilst i was on night shift which lead to him being in hospital and at the time we were waiting to find out if he'd been left braindead. Not long after he found one of the lads and threatened him with a knife, he was given a 3 month curfew/tag by the courts.
We moved house and decided on a new start, he promised not to drink again. We made friends with the neighbours and settled in well. 3 months later i came home from work late (ironically i work with people left brain damaged due to alcohol/drug abuse) and a neighbour pulled me over to say Daniel had turned up drunk, started fights, threatened people with knives and ended up getting arrested. I was left dealing with numerous men at my door demanding to know where he was or saying they would smash my house up. He was released the next day but the neighbours wont talk to us which i totally understand and i'm the talk of my work place. Its gotten so bad my family are sick of hearing about it, his family are even begging me to kick him out and make him fend for himself. When he's sobar he's the most amazing person i've met, he works hard and treats me well but I can't deal with the other side of him and the trouble hes causing. He claims its because of the sexual abuse he dealt with when he was 6 but I was raped from being 5 til i was 11 and find it a pathetic excuse. There must be something i can do!?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 38
I would run away as fast as you can. You could do so much better. I think you know that, but you're desperately seeking alternatives which really are not there. He's a dangerous person, and it's only a matter of time before he hurts you badly. The warning signs are everywhere.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
"I'm 21, and hes 24. Please don't give me the 'you're too young' or 'you have your life ahead of you' talk. I will NOT leave because of an opinion and i hear it weekly from friends, family including his family!"
Really? Since you are an adult, I suspect you know what to do. You won't leave because of an opinion, or because he smashes up your stuff, or because he grabbed your throat, or because he lied, or because he got arrested for threatening others, because he starts fights, or has drunken parties while you work, or leaves you holding the pieces with men threatening you at your door, or your family and his wants you to.
So I guess the real question is, what's it going to take for your adult self to realize this is a dangerous situation for you, and if you value your life, you will walk away while you still can?
Really? Since you are an adult, I suspect you know what to do. You won't leave because of an opinion, or because he smashes up your stuff, or because he grabbed your throat, or because he lied, or because he got arrested for threatening others, because he starts fights, or has drunken parties while you work, or leaves you holding the pieces with men threatening you at your door, or your family and his wants you to.
So I guess the real question is, what's it going to take for your adult self to realize this is a dangerous situation for you, and if you value your life, you will walk away while you still can?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Olathe
Posts: 200
Don't try to kick him out, it will just lead to him going off the deep end again and blaming you for it. Find a place you can go with family and remove yourself from the situation. My friends when I was your age where all very similar to Daniel, violent and alcoholic. Out of 6 of us, 2 died from suicide, 2 died from murder-suicide, 1 is in jail for the rest of his life, and I am the only one who turned my life around. I wouldn't take your chances, no matter how much you think you love him, it's not just the alcohol, these are some serious character issues.
Blood Countess
Join Date: May 2014
Location: A castle
Posts: 340
My only advice would be for you to leave him. As painful as that will be.
I know he must be an amazing person when he's not drinking, but that's only a part of him. There is the abusive part of him, too. In fact, it's kind of like being an alcoholic yourself. An alcoholic will remain with the drinking, even though it is tearing their life apart and causing so much damage - because there are "good times" too. So. It's a hard decision. I don't know what else you expect people to say.
Maybe in the future he will get help. But that's up to him. You can't change him. In the meantime, I think it would be best for you to not be with him. That's what I think.
I know he must be an amazing person when he's not drinking, but that's only a part of him. There is the abusive part of him, too. In fact, it's kind of like being an alcoholic yourself. An alcoholic will remain with the drinking, even though it is tearing their life apart and causing so much damage - because there are "good times" too. So. It's a hard decision. I don't know what else you expect people to say.
Maybe in the future he will get help. But that's up to him. You can't change him. In the meantime, I think it would be best for you to not be with him. That's what I think.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 52
Demi;
It's so clear this is an unhealthy relationship. In all seriousness..Why are you with this person? Does the good really outweigh the bad?
Do a simple pros&cons list.
...Just don't let him find it.
It's so clear this is an unhealthy relationship. In all seriousness..Why are you with this person? Does the good really outweigh the bad?
Do a simple pros&cons list.
...Just don't let him find it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I really hope that you decide to care for yourself and leave this man.
I would caution you that if you do, it will be a dangerous time for you so you will need preparation and a plan in place.
I would caution you that if you do, it will be a dangerous time for you so you will need preparation and a plan in place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 45
he'd then threaten to cut me into pieces and burn the remains so on.
he smashed all the windows, punched holes in the doors, grabbed me by the throat and claimed he'd took a load of tablets and was eventually admitted to hospital.
Your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and certainly that's causing many problems. But don't let him use alcohol as an excuse for actions like these. Frankly, these actions are downright frightening.
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Northwest
Posts: 138
You have to take care of yourself. People with trauma when they are young may want to help others at the expense of their own well-being even if they get little in return. You must know what this all sounds like. Please be strong and protect yourself. You cannot change him. He will always be abusive. It's just a matter of time before you get hurt even more. Your reputation and relationship with the community is already hurt by him. What is it going to take?
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Its only a matter of time for him. I hope he finds his way to sobriety before he is dead or in jail.
the friends and family section will understand your position better- but i wonder why you are still there. Take care.
the friends and family section will understand your position better- but i wonder why you are still there. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 4
I stay because I strongly believe he would never touch me again, it will be 2 years in August he grabbed me by the throat. I just feel if I can get him to stay off the drink that it will all be ok. If I left I know he'd drink constantly and would actually end up dead or in jail. We both moved 40-60 miles away from our families to be together and splitting up would mean both living in the same village due to work anyways and that would leave him alone and unsupported.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Many alcoholic abusers will try to isolate their victim. I hope you find help and make a very good exit strategy. Please protect yourself and take care of yourself. This has nothing to do with age it has to do with your personal safety.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
your man sounds just like me when i was his age and you sound just like my ex wife,
i did all those sorts of silly things and ended up going to prison.
i would wake up the next day after my drunken sprees trying to remember what i had done i was scared and full of fear when i could remember some of the things i had done and boy was i sorry
but it was to late i had done them drunk as a skunk
i never knew then i was an alcoholic i was to young wasnt i ?
i tired everything to make a fresh start my poor ex wife still stuck by me with all the troubles i was in simply because she loved the sober man she fell in love with
i ended up going into aa at 23 years of age my problem was drinking at weekends mostly and geting into trouble and i never wanted any of that i just wanted that good feeling booze gave me but my problem was i keept on getting so drunk i wouldnt know were i was etc
so i went to aa and there i found out what was wrong with me and i got help to finally grow up and i lived a good life for 18 years and my family all got the benefit of it my wife got the man she loved and he stayed sober for all those years
sadly after 15 years i did start drinking again i only had 1 drink at first and it felt ok and i went home so i went out again and tried it again but only this time i had 2 drinks and i still felt good and behaved myself
my and ex wife went out on a new years eve and i had 4 pints and it was a great night and if i could drink like that forever well my life would of been great
but the seed was already sown and i couldnt see it as i so wanted to drink normaly
8 years after picking up that first drink i ended up drinking everyday, ex wife gone,kids gone, my whole life in a mess and the old behavior back again as i was getting into fights etc
our 2 little boys ended up being taken into care as she also started to drink and was getting out of control so it was all a nightmare
until again i couldnt do it anymore and back to aa i went
that was 10 years ago
i have remained sober ever since and i became a single parent dad getting my kids back out of care
sadly my young son got stomach cancer and died and i was there with him all the way he died at home with me and his siblings sadly his mum was to drunk to do anything for him and its a shame
but the point i am makeing here is if your partner will seek the help he needs you could have a chance at a great life with him but he has to want it and it certainly will not be an easy road
the easy option would be to get the hell out of there and if he really isnt interested in getting the help then you will yourself see you will have to go and let him fall down as far as he needs to go
i hope he gets into aa i would love to meet him there in a meeting and tell him my story i am sure he will think i am his twin brother lol
if he is like me he will have the best heart in the world but just doesnt know how to show it YET !!!
good luck to you
i did all those sorts of silly things and ended up going to prison.
i would wake up the next day after my drunken sprees trying to remember what i had done i was scared and full of fear when i could remember some of the things i had done and boy was i sorry
but it was to late i had done them drunk as a skunk
i never knew then i was an alcoholic i was to young wasnt i ?
i tired everything to make a fresh start my poor ex wife still stuck by me with all the troubles i was in simply because she loved the sober man she fell in love with
i ended up going into aa at 23 years of age my problem was drinking at weekends mostly and geting into trouble and i never wanted any of that i just wanted that good feeling booze gave me but my problem was i keept on getting so drunk i wouldnt know were i was etc
so i went to aa and there i found out what was wrong with me and i got help to finally grow up and i lived a good life for 18 years and my family all got the benefit of it my wife got the man she loved and he stayed sober for all those years
sadly after 15 years i did start drinking again i only had 1 drink at first and it felt ok and i went home so i went out again and tried it again but only this time i had 2 drinks and i still felt good and behaved myself
my and ex wife went out on a new years eve and i had 4 pints and it was a great night and if i could drink like that forever well my life would of been great
but the seed was already sown and i couldnt see it as i so wanted to drink normaly
8 years after picking up that first drink i ended up drinking everyday, ex wife gone,kids gone, my whole life in a mess and the old behavior back again as i was getting into fights etc
our 2 little boys ended up being taken into care as she also started to drink and was getting out of control so it was all a nightmare
until again i couldnt do it anymore and back to aa i went
that was 10 years ago
i have remained sober ever since and i became a single parent dad getting my kids back out of care
sadly my young son got stomach cancer and died and i was there with him all the way he died at home with me and his siblings sadly his mum was to drunk to do anything for him and its a shame
but the point i am makeing here is if your partner will seek the help he needs you could have a chance at a great life with him but he has to want it and it certainly will not be an easy road
the easy option would be to get the hell out of there and if he really isnt interested in getting the help then you will yourself see you will have to go and let him fall down as far as he needs to go
i hope he gets into aa i would love to meet him there in a meeting and tell him my story i am sure he will think i am his twin brother lol
if he is like me he will have the best heart in the world but just doesnt know how to show it YET !!!
good luck to you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
There's some really great advice here.
My partner was violent with objects...holes in the wall, things thrown about
then one day she was violent with me (I'm a guy).
I really believed it would not happen again - but it did.
There are some great posts in the family and friends section. I really recommend you look at them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
My partner was violent with objects...holes in the wall, things thrown about
then one day she was violent with me (I'm a guy).
I really believed it would not happen again - but it did.
There are some great posts in the family and friends section. I really recommend you look at them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
" I just feel if I can get him to stay off the drink that it will all be ok."
you haven't been able to in,what, 5 years?
"There must be something i can do!? "
yes and you've been given a LOT of great advise. I really hope you can change your mind from NOT leaving because of opinions. theres facts in the replies from people who have been right where you are at one time.
you haven't been able to in,what, 5 years?
"There must be something i can do!? "
yes and you've been given a LOT of great advise. I really hope you can change your mind from NOT leaving because of opinions. theres facts in the replies from people who have been right where you are at one time.
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