im tired and i no longer care
RecoveringUnicorn
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: robinsonville, ms.
Posts: 11
im tired and i no longer care
hello everyone,
not sure where to start.
I'm sad and hurt and tired. not at anyone in particular but at myself for allowing myself to get to the point I am in my life.
I no care about anything or anyone.
I tried committing suicide but I failed.
I figured after that I wanted to live. well I was diagnosed as a manic depressive and I suffered from ptsd. I knew I was going to get better. then I relapsed. I relapsed again. and again. and just two nights ago I did again.
all the things I've been through id think by now I would get it and make a change but I haven't.
since being drunk I've;
wrecked my car
lost my job
went to jail
started using cocaine
lost my boyfriend
lost my apartment
lost friends
lost my integrity
had sex with random people
tried to commit suicide
lying to everyone
manipulating people
and gave up on my life.
I spent a few days in the hospital and they prescribed me to take Prozac
it helped but unfortunately I still drink while taking the medication and to make things worse I use cocaine.
I now have a therapist that I speak to once every few weeks.
I'm not getting anything from it. I'm living with family members that I honestly don't like and I felt my life was better when I wasn't dealing with them. the one person that I feel truly understands me doesn't want to talk to me. the once person whom I try to blame me becoming and alcoholic is still in my life and I feel bad more and more each day.
I'm the type of person who wants to help others and I will refuse help from people who I think are not perfect. so with that being said I don't want help from anyone. I feel like I can take care of myself and things will work out for me how they need to work out. I have to much pride in taking care of myself by myself for so long.
I'm about to give up all over again. I think of killing myself but after trying once and failing I feel so stupid to even try again. I know I'm suppose to live and I just don't know how and what for. I no longer care about anything.
I'm sinking and I have no inspiration or motivation to climb out. no motivation or anything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford good help. I feel like I'm in over my head and I'm just letting go and letting things happen.
some one...help.
please...
not sure where to start.
I'm sad and hurt and tired. not at anyone in particular but at myself for allowing myself to get to the point I am in my life.
I no care about anything or anyone.
I tried committing suicide but I failed.
I figured after that I wanted to live. well I was diagnosed as a manic depressive and I suffered from ptsd. I knew I was going to get better. then I relapsed. I relapsed again. and again. and just two nights ago I did again.
all the things I've been through id think by now I would get it and make a change but I haven't.
since being drunk I've;
wrecked my car
lost my job
went to jail
started using cocaine
lost my boyfriend
lost my apartment
lost friends
lost my integrity
had sex with random people
tried to commit suicide
lying to everyone
manipulating people
and gave up on my life.
I spent a few days in the hospital and they prescribed me to take Prozac
it helped but unfortunately I still drink while taking the medication and to make things worse I use cocaine.
I now have a therapist that I speak to once every few weeks.
I'm not getting anything from it. I'm living with family members that I honestly don't like and I felt my life was better when I wasn't dealing with them. the one person that I feel truly understands me doesn't want to talk to me. the once person whom I try to blame me becoming and alcoholic is still in my life and I feel bad more and more each day.
I'm the type of person who wants to help others and I will refuse help from people who I think are not perfect. so with that being said I don't want help from anyone. I feel like I can take care of myself and things will work out for me how they need to work out. I have to much pride in taking care of myself by myself for so long.
I'm about to give up all over again. I think of killing myself but after trying once and failing I feel so stupid to even try again. I know I'm suppose to live and I just don't know how and what for. I no longer care about anything.
I'm sinking and I have no inspiration or motivation to climb out. no motivation or anything. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford good help. I feel like I'm in over my head and I'm just letting go and letting things happen.
some one...help.
please...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome drunkenunicorn
I've been where you are - and it takes a leap of faith to get out of that bind.
The fundamental step is to put down the bottle.
It won't magically make everything rosy but if you stay sober it will clear your head and give you perspective on what you need to do to sort out your other problems
It's a leap of faith but it's not really that risky cos there's hundreds of us here who've done it.
You're not alone - we understand and we'll help and support you
If things get heavy in your head again do make time to read the following link - maybe bookmark it for the list of crisis numbers
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I'm glad you found us
D
I've been where you are - and it takes a leap of faith to get out of that bind.
The fundamental step is to put down the bottle.
It won't magically make everything rosy but if you stay sober it will clear your head and give you perspective on what you need to do to sort out your other problems
It's a leap of faith but it's not really that risky cos there's hundreds of us here who've done it.
You're not alone - we understand and we'll help and support you
If things get heavy in your head again do make time to read the following link - maybe bookmark it for the list of crisis numbers
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I'm glad you found us
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I also have manic depression which makes us more prone to substance abuse. I know I have abused alcohol but am lucky that it didn't click or stay around with me.
Maybe you need to go inpatient for help?
Living with bipolar is a daily challenge, our meds don't work if we are abusing other substances. I hope you can be free of them.
Welcome to SR
Maybe you need to go inpatient for help?
Living with bipolar is a daily challenge, our meds don't work if we are abusing other substances. I hope you can be free of them.
Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 38
If you are considering hurting yourself, please call 911. It's not worth it. No matter how bad life seems, there's always a better day down the road. The substances you are putting in your body are not helping your mind think clearly. Whatever you do, please don't hurt yourself.
Closing the gates of Oblivion
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: OK, USA
Posts: 273
I am sorry that life has been treating you poorly recently. Drugs and alcohol can drag us under and suffocate us. You must be hurting and I hear feelings of dispair in your post.
With both alcohol and cocaine, it would be wise if you could possibly go to inpatient treatment. Those are both dangerous to withdraw from, especially in combination, without medical support. They could also help you with the depression and suicidal ideation.
You do not deserve to have all the misery that you have suffered, but if you take one giant leap and seek help, I think you might find what you need. Don't give in and let these substances rule over you. Give sobriety a try and then, with a little effort on your part, your circumstances can start turning in your favor.
There are people who understand and really do care about your well-being and safety...like me. You posted for a reason, now listen to that inner voice. Something is telling you that you want change.
With both alcohol and cocaine, it would be wise if you could possibly go to inpatient treatment. Those are both dangerous to withdraw from, especially in combination, without medical support. They could also help you with the depression and suicidal ideation.
You do not deserve to have all the misery that you have suffered, but if you take one giant leap and seek help, I think you might find what you need. Don't give in and let these substances rule over you. Give sobriety a try and then, with a little effort on your part, your circumstances can start turning in your favor.
There are people who understand and really do care about your well-being and safety...like me. You posted for a reason, now listen to that inner voice. Something is telling you that you want change.
Wu Wei
Join Date: May 2014
Location: So. California, USA
Posts: 351
After reading through your post I was taken by what a beautiful prayer it is as you have written it. The heartfelt longing for peace comes through on every line. Meditate and offer your post to God as a prayer, just as it is.
Remember, all of our prayers are a response to the higher power that calls to us first. When we pray, as you did so honestly and beautifully, we are answering. What did God say when he spoke to you first?
Remember, all of our prayers are a response to the higher power that calls to us first. When we pray, as you did so honestly and beautifully, we are answering. What did God say when he spoke to you first?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Wow, I ache for you, but the one thing that stuck out of your whole post is I WAnT TO LIVE! The only person who can turn this around is YOU! Look at it piece by piece, set small goals and then string a couple together and then whammo! You will see progress!!! Get some sober days and please see a doc, this doesn't have to be your life. There is help, there is a way out! Hang in there and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I felt the same and was addicted to the same drugs. You are under a powerful spell. You have to break this spell and then things will get better. You can't enjoy life now bc you have changed your brain and reduced you dopamine receptors with the coke. The sooner you can stop the better things can get. In treatment is the best option but I did it on my own. Takes a lo of desperation to quit coke and booze at the same time on your own. Stick around...no need to be an abject slave to the drugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 359
I am also diagnosed PTSD (it's actually generalized anxiety disorder caused by PTSD).
I understand the cocaine and the alcohol completely...I remember doing cocaine by candlelight with my ex husband because we couldn't pay the power bill but we had to have our dope.
You have to take the first step. You are in a position where you feel trapped. You are not trapped. You are convincing yourself it is so. You may be in an unpleasant situation, but it's not a trap that you cannot escape from. The first step is realizing the drug abuse and alcohol are contributing to the problem...you're smothering it. You cannot take the steps to change your life if you're burying everything under chemicals.
Eventually that cocaine is going to burn a hole in your septum...then you can add chronic nose bleeds to the list of things you're having to suffer from. I am not trying to sound harsh...but the first step to change is in you. You ARE strong enough. There IS a fire bright enough inside of you.
You can beat this. There's dozens of people here rooting for you.
I understand the cocaine and the alcohol completely...I remember doing cocaine by candlelight with my ex husband because we couldn't pay the power bill but we had to have our dope.
You have to take the first step. You are in a position where you feel trapped. You are not trapped. You are convincing yourself it is so. You may be in an unpleasant situation, but it's not a trap that you cannot escape from. The first step is realizing the drug abuse and alcohol are contributing to the problem...you're smothering it. You cannot take the steps to change your life if you're burying everything under chemicals.
Eventually that cocaine is going to burn a hole in your septum...then you can add chronic nose bleeds to the list of things you're having to suffer from. I am not trying to sound harsh...but the first step to change is in you. You ARE strong enough. There IS a fire bright enough inside of you.
You can beat this. There's dozens of people here rooting for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low.
I was completely lost when I finally stopped drinking too and I didn't know if I would ever be able to hold my head up again and live my life. I know you can get through this. Is there any way you can change therapists and find a way to have more appointments. Once every few weeks would not be helpful.
It's important to have faith and sometimes that's all you can do, but it will work out.
I was completely lost when I finally stopped drinking too and I didn't know if I would ever be able to hold my head up again and live my life. I know you can get through this. Is there any way you can change therapists and find a way to have more appointments. Once every few weeks would not be helpful.
It's important to have faith and sometimes that's all you can do, but it will work out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 254
I can relate to alot of things you said and you have friends here. I hope you can find a better therapist whom you can see much more frequently than just a couple of times a month. Unfortunately it can take time for things to really improve and try not to lose hope.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
Unicorn.... the world needs you. You are here for a reason, but the alcohol and drugs blind you. Once you clean yourself up, your eyes will open, and you will find joy again from within, not from thieving substances...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
"I'm sinking and I have no inspiration or motivation to climb out."
I know you don't! None of us have the motivation alone to climb out. So here is the deal with this site, we jump in the hole WITH you. We won't leave you down there alone. Just a bunch of addicts helping other addicts.
I know you don't! None of us have the motivation alone to climb out. So here is the deal with this site, we jump in the hole WITH you. We won't leave you down there alone. Just a bunch of addicts helping other addicts.
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