kojo

I struggle with both food and alcohol. I don't necessarily believe that abstinence is the answer for everyone. However, I wrote this note today to remind myself what really happens when I decide not to choose abstinence from alcohol and the coinciding impact that it has on my eating and wellbeing. I've put this in writing as a counter argument to all the bullsh*t justifications that my mind comes up with when I want to binge drink/eat. Apologies for the length.

If I choose not to be abstinent, I need to accept that I will be choosing to have more days like this. Days where I binge drink and binge eat so much that I wake up and want to kill myself. Seriously. They may not happen every time I drink, but, like a game of Russian roulette, they will happen eventually. The nights of driving absolutely hammered to buy more alcohol and/or food will persist. Again not every time, but I will take my chances with this risky behaviour again and again. I will continue to get so drunk that I will become depressed and suicidal at times. I will feel hopeless on many days and wonder how many times I have to learn the same lesson? I will ask myself how many times can I do the same thing over and over and expect to get a different result? My self-efficacy will fade and I will worry about being an alcoholic at times. I will Google this problem, watch You Tube clips and consider calling help lines when at my lowest.

I will call my closest friends up in tears and with unbearable pain to wail about my problems with food and alcohol. They will not soothe me. I will also continue to feel ashamed that I have called them when I wake up. Again and again. Still, not every time. I will continue to be prone to cutting myself when wasted. I will wake up sore and regret the fact that I now have to find a way to hide this. I will spend ridiculous amounts of money on food when I’m drunk- and, it is likely that the amounts and the scale of this will also increase- as this has been the trend. I will have many days where I won’t exercise and feel so fat that I don’t want to leave the house. I will binge and purge food- with the purging being increasingly unsuccessful- as this too is the continuing trend. On some days, the morning calorie count will make me feel depressed at best and suicidal at worst.

I will go to work hungover and miserable. I may even drink at work. These are the behaviours that will continue in my life when I choose not to be completely abstinent. I will have many a day in which I will start drinking upon waking to manage my hangover- and not even think about it as a shameful alcoholic way of moving through the world- as it is just what I do. Second nature. Desensitised from the stigma and shame so long ago. I will get cravings to drink in times of boredom, loneliness and anxiety. I will exacerbate each of these conditions by my drinking. I will continue to worry about my health and fertility.

Each time I want to drink I will continue to cunningly convince myself of a new method to avoid all of the above problems. I will only drink with others. I will only have a set number of drinks. I will only allow myself to drink on nights that I don’t have work the next day. I will drink heavily but only for this night/ weekend/ week/ occasion/ holiday etc. and then I will get back on the wagon. Some days I will stick to these rules and this will encourage me to give drinking another go. The successes will make me believe that I don’t have a problem- see, I just need to be better with my rules, control and boundaries. But in this game of Russian Roulette the bullets inevitable arrive as I continue to play consecutive rounds. I will be consenting to all of this well-rehearsed formula reoccurring should I choose to keep drinking.

ontherightpath

Powerful.
It doesn't have to be that way,

PamperingMe

Thanks for writing this. I can relate...my two coping mechanisms of choice.

It was very brave of you to write this.

RevivingOphelia

Wishing you better health - keep trying. You can do this.

HeadLump

You're not alone, kojo. And you won't be alone in recovery either. Never give up - it WILL get better xx

StayStrong33

I can relate to this and enjoyed reading. Thanks Kojo

Mrsbee

This is really touching kojo and I applaud your bravery for sharing. You're a really good writer. Best of luck to you, sending prayers and positive energy

broken2013

Wow!! Thanks for sharing this.... Powerful words!

roguedreams

That was my reality for years (and years).

I can SO relate.

Thank you for your poignant words!!

Keep posting! We all help each other