dollpart

Hi Everyone,

I'm B, I posted in the Alcoholism forum for the first time a couple of days ago and admitted the thing I still can't get my tongue or mind around. Or, apparently, my typing hands.

Here's a little bit about me.

At the moment, I am a whirling blitz of self-destruction. I have been for a long time and it's only now that I'm really trying to put myself together that I can see how apart I am sometimes. Last year was the worst of my life: I was hospitalised twice for mental health problems (I have bipolar), was drinking around 90 alcohol units a week (that's more than 3 bottles of vodka) and had to intermit my studies for a year because things were going so badly.

I PROMISED myself this year would be different. And I started out well enough. But now here I am, with a broken ankle caused by mixing meds and alcohol during a mixed state and jumping out my bedroom window. I will be in plaster for six weeks and I know- I'm not stupid, even if I'm crazy- that this is at least partly because of the alcohol I consumed before jumping. And if not directly, I have been told anyway, numerous times, that the amount I drink stops my medication from working properly. Reducing from 90 units to 36 is an improvement-- but it's still at a hazardous level and I should still be addressing it.

So that's where I am with my "recovery"- I'm on here, reading other peoples' threads for inspiration, trying to find the bravery to make my own story look like that.

Trying to learn to admit what my problem is, so that I can face it.

Trying to work out how the hell I am going to get to an AA meeting on crutches.

Trying.

Anna

I hope that you decide to stop drinking. It sounds like alcohol is causing many problems in your life and affecting your medications.

I don't know if you can get a ride to a meeting, or use public transit, but you can also post and read here.

least

Call your local AA number and ask for a ride to the next meeting. I'm sure someone will be glad to help.

I hope the support here and at AA can help you stop drinking for good.

Thepatman

You are trying so are making progress. It all starts with the intention of quitting and admitting we have a problem.

Have you consulted your doctor? He can really help if you admit on your quantities.

All the best,

dollpart

Thanks for your support, everyone. I am meant to be getting alcohol counselling at my university but I'm wary of it, I have tried counselling before and talking about alcohol really just made me crave it. Silly, I know...

SoberLeigh

Dollpart, why not give the university counseling a good try; maybe have a sober friend accompany you and wait for you while you are counseled so that if you have cravings after, you and your sober friend can find an activity that doesn't involve drinking.

As least mentioned, calling AA may well result in finding a ride to meetings.

You deserve sobriety; go for it and keep posting here; you will find people who are behind you 100%.

dollpart

Thanks.

Today is hard.

SoberLeigh

[QUOTE=dollpart;4582498] Thanks.

Today is hard.[quote]

Can we help; want to talk about it?

tornrealization

A month ago I drank a nearly fifth of vodka, got depressed, cut myself, ended up in ER, and missed my class for college.

I still have red marks. I drank 2/3 to a full bottle of vodka nightly.

I'm thirty days sober. Your story is very much like mine. Promises to myself to stop this madness. AA can help open your world. Also posting on here.

Even with that drama, a week later I wanted a drink! The SR community helps keep you on track. Keep posting, it helps.

dollpart

tornrealization- thanks for sharing your story. i'm sorry you went through that, how are you now? i want to stop drinking- i virtually have now- but the support on here has been really useful.

soberleigh- a few things have happened lately and i just know a drink would soothe me a bit. just let me fall into myself a bit... do you know what i mean? i feel panicky. i just want to be drunk...

Ruby2

Getting drunk will only lead to more days of kicking yourself asking why you got drunk. While I don't know what things have happened in your life lately that you would drink over, we all have those things happening. Try not to drink. Call someone to talk instead.

As for talking in counseling making you want to drink afterwards, my suggestion is to go to counseling AND tell the counselor that talking about alcohol in counseling makes you want to drink. I have found that somehow, if you put voice to the idea it makes it so much less powerful than if you keep it in your head. So of like deflating a balloon.

SoberLeigh

I do know what you mean, dollpart. But, unfortunately, that one drink to soothe my nerves didn't end with that one drink. A few sips into the first drink, I began to rationalize the acceptability and "respectability" of the second drink, and by the time I poured my second glass of Chardonnay, the possibility of a third drink began to take shape.

My drinking never solved anything at all; it only served to make me feel bad physically and psychologically disgusted with myself.

Treerat66

Hi dollpart, welcome to SR

tornrealization

Dollpart, things are going fine.

I do know drinking again wouldn't make me feel better about the problems I had.

littlefish

I drank to medicate and to numb myself: I was the kind of drinker who liked to be in that state of not having any feelings at all. As opposed to drinking to feel good.

I went to a counselor in early recovery and rarely did we talk about drinking. It was more about my feelings. Recovery challenged me to examine why I panicked at the prospect of experiencing feelings. Anxiety, nervousness, stress, disappointment, anger, sadness, etc, were all triggers to drink. Just about any emotion was a trigger to drink!

I would really suggest a program. AA will encourage you to work the steps and get a sponsor. Lots of people in AA have outside issues like bipolar so you will definitely have people you can relate to.

sugarbear1

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