Tired of living a life of embarrassment and paranoia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 11
Tired of living a life of embarrassment and paranoia
Hi, this is my first post here. This is my first time acknowledging that I need to stop drinking because it is making my life unlivable.
I have extreme social anxiety and issues with paranoia when it comes to social situations and other people. I always think that people are talking about me, thinking about me, laughing at me, and I make situations much bigger in my head.
Mix this with drinking and it has been a living hell for the past year. Every weekend I go to the bars, get drunk, and wake up the next morning full of shame and embarrassment. For days after a night out I play the events back in my head-what I said, to who-and what these people must be thinking about me.
I work at a place in my town that most people go to regularly. I see these people at the bars too. This past Wednesday night I was at the bar and ran into some regulars from my work. Well I drank with them all night and now I am afraid to go to work today because I know I will see them. I'm so ashamed of what I might have said, acted like, and what they must think of me. No doubt they think I'm crazy. I had to take a xanax to calm my nerves or else I probably wouldn't even go to work.
It's this that make me realize that it needs to stop. My alcohol problem has only been going on for the past year and I guess some part of me has always thought that it was just temporary. But temporary or not, it ends now. I'm tired of feeling like this before work or before going out to the store. I know I'm not thinking rationally at all but that is my problem-and drinking is doing nothing to help me get better from social anxiety and paranoia.
So my last drink was this past Wednesday. This is my first attempt at sobriety. I don't believe in the concept of a higher power or powerlessness so I have no interest in AA. My plan is to first and foremost come clean with my therapist. I've been seeing her for two years and have lied about my drinking the past year. So I will start with that this afternoon and then go from there.
Thanks so much for reading.
I have extreme social anxiety and issues with paranoia when it comes to social situations and other people. I always think that people are talking about me, thinking about me, laughing at me, and I make situations much bigger in my head.
Mix this with drinking and it has been a living hell for the past year. Every weekend I go to the bars, get drunk, and wake up the next morning full of shame and embarrassment. For days after a night out I play the events back in my head-what I said, to who-and what these people must be thinking about me.
I work at a place in my town that most people go to regularly. I see these people at the bars too. This past Wednesday night I was at the bar and ran into some regulars from my work. Well I drank with them all night and now I am afraid to go to work today because I know I will see them. I'm so ashamed of what I might have said, acted like, and what they must think of me. No doubt they think I'm crazy. I had to take a xanax to calm my nerves or else I probably wouldn't even go to work.
It's this that make me realize that it needs to stop. My alcohol problem has only been going on for the past year and I guess some part of me has always thought that it was just temporary. But temporary or not, it ends now. I'm tired of feeling like this before work or before going out to the store. I know I'm not thinking rationally at all but that is my problem-and drinking is doing nothing to help me get better from social anxiety and paranoia.
So my last drink was this past Wednesday. This is my first attempt at sobriety. I don't believe in the concept of a higher power or powerlessness so I have no interest in AA. My plan is to first and foremost come clean with my therapist. I've been seeing her for two years and have lied about my drinking the past year. So I will start with that this afternoon and then go from there.
Thanks so much for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Glad you have a therapist. I'm sure if you told her you were drinking from the get go it might have made her job and your life easier. First and foremost quit the drinking. Over time alcohol messes big time with the mind. And if you already have social anxiety issues this cannot help. If your not into AA or the big book give the book Rational Recovery a read. Welcome to SR! This is a great place with lots to read.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Welcome TDK1001! You will find a lot of support here!
I could relate to your post on many levels--before I became sober, I had evolved to the point where I was constantly afraid that others (my husband, my boys, my mother, my friends, servers at restaurants, sales associates at stores) could tell that I had been drinking. Even if I had only had one beer, I felt like everyone "knew" that I had imbibed, based on my slurry speech/awkward movements. I wasn't rationale in my thinking. For someone drinking to alleviate social anxiety (ha!), I made social situations a million times worse. I experienced many mornings, filled with fear, cringing at what I might have posted to FB or emailed. After a night out drinking, I obsessed over the asinine anecdotes I related (often repetitively to the same people), secrets I told, and exaggerated emotions I exhibited. My life was characterized by an ongoing cycle of paranoia, fear, regret, and booze.
The good news is that you don't have to feel that way ever again! As someone who committed to a sober life last July and am now at the 8 month mark, I can assure you that life gets infinitely better. Your security and confidence will blossom. It's not always easy but it's worth it. There is NOTHING as good as waking up in the morning, knowing that you can navigate your day without any worry about what you might have done/said the night before.
So glad to hear you have a therapist helping you as you begin your journey. Be aware of HALT--try not to let yourself get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Be kind to yourself in the beginning--try to pursue things that you enjoy. Stay close to SR--post whenever you feel like you need support--there are always kind people here who will help encourage you through a difficult time/share similar experiences (helps to know that you are NOT ALONE!).
Best of luck to you!
I could relate to your post on many levels--before I became sober, I had evolved to the point where I was constantly afraid that others (my husband, my boys, my mother, my friends, servers at restaurants, sales associates at stores) could tell that I had been drinking. Even if I had only had one beer, I felt like everyone "knew" that I had imbibed, based on my slurry speech/awkward movements. I wasn't rationale in my thinking. For someone drinking to alleviate social anxiety (ha!), I made social situations a million times worse. I experienced many mornings, filled with fear, cringing at what I might have posted to FB or emailed. After a night out drinking, I obsessed over the asinine anecdotes I related (often repetitively to the same people), secrets I told, and exaggerated emotions I exhibited. My life was characterized by an ongoing cycle of paranoia, fear, regret, and booze.
The good news is that you don't have to feel that way ever again! As someone who committed to a sober life last July and am now at the 8 month mark, I can assure you that life gets infinitely better. Your security and confidence will blossom. It's not always easy but it's worth it. There is NOTHING as good as waking up in the morning, knowing that you can navigate your day without any worry about what you might have done/said the night before.
So glad to hear you have a therapist helping you as you begin your journey. Be aware of HALT--try not to let yourself get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Be kind to yourself in the beginning--try to pursue things that you enjoy. Stay close to SR--post whenever you feel like you need support--there are always kind people here who will help encourage you through a difficult time/share similar experiences (helps to know that you are NOT ALONE!).
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome tdk1001!
The shame and embarrassment, played a big part in my decision to stop drinking too. Being honest about my drinking was the first step to freedom.
I think you'll be so relieved to share the truth with your therapist. SR is also a great support tool, sure helped me.
Best Wishes!
The shame and embarrassment, played a big part in my decision to stop drinking too. Being honest about my drinking was the first step to freedom.
I think you'll be so relieved to share the truth with your therapist. SR is also a great support tool, sure helped me.
Best Wishes!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
welcome tdk. Lot's of help here, and lots of experience. You are not alone. AA is not the only way, for sure. I don't particpate in AA meetings, but I've read all the literature and taken what works for me. And I've read about other approaches, too. AVRT, SMART have been big influences for me. The biggest thing I learned here in the early days was to get a plan, an approach to getting and staying sober. I say look around, ask around, see what's out there. I think starting with a life or death desire to quit, combined with an open mind, are two important starting points.
Get ready to fight a bit, but it is so, so, so worth it.
Welcome aboard!
Get ready to fight a bit, but it is so, so, so worth it.
Welcome aboard!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome tdk! You're among friends who understand - I'm so glad you joined us.
I behaved in the same way, but I went on for many years trying to control the amounts I drank. I always failed. Thankfully, you see what alcohol is doing to your life and you're stopping before things spin out of control. I wish I had.
Good that you're seeing your therapist and coming clean about what's going on. You'll feel so relieved when you have it out in the open. It's sad we think we're helping ourselves cope with life by getting numb - all it does is cause more anxiety and pain. You're doing a great thing for yourself - congratulations.
I behaved in the same way, but I went on for many years trying to control the amounts I drank. I always failed. Thankfully, you see what alcohol is doing to your life and you're stopping before things spin out of control. I wish I had.
Good that you're seeing your therapist and coming clean about what's going on. You'll feel so relieved when you have it out in the open. It's sad we think we're helping ourselves cope with life by getting numb - all it does is cause more anxiety and pain. You're doing a great thing for yourself - congratulations.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 11
Thank you everyone for the replies. Therapy went well today. I admitted to her that I was worried about my drinking and that drinking was ruining my life and my emotions. I cried for an hour straight but I felt so great afterwards. We have a plan on meeting 3 times a week now for a few months and she recommended that I go to AA to at least get a sponsor. Will a sponsor care that I don't believe in a higher power? I'm only 22 years old so I have no sober friends or sober people in my life.
I can see myself posting here a lot.
I can see myself posting here a lot.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi TDK....welcome to SR....I found this is my 'go to' place when I need tips on how to keep myself sober and also be inspired by others who've done this also.
I'm so glad you told your therapist, that's great. Look forward to hearing more from you!
I'm so glad you told your therapist, that's great. Look forward to hearing more from you!
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