unchartedxo

What a joke, right? The cycle... the sadness sets in, so you have one. just to escape the sadness a little... and then one turns into 8-9-10 and you wake up hung over, defeated, scared, disappointed and still... SAD! not only for the same issues you had the day before but now because of you failure to control the alcohol.

That's where I am today.

I can't even describe the sadness I feel over my lack of control over alcohol. I am so so sad. I feel like I am in an endless cycle of disappointments and failures. Because every time I vow never to get drunk again, I always find myself back here. Vowing again.

My husband says I am not a failure until I stop trying to change. Do I drink every day? No. Do I get drunk every time I drink? No. but can I always establish how much I will wind up drinking? NOPE. and the cycle is exhausting. and I am exhausted.

and sad.

KateL

I feel sad today and I haven't even had a drink, but if I did, I know I would feel even sadder. It is better without it. xxxxxx

Tang

I can relate to you. I too have drank to deal with sadness and in my case feelings of inadequacy or low self esteem. I can't offer the solution, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

WakeUpBomb

Your husband is right, it can't be failure if you're still trying. So you found another thing that caused you a set back, consider it a lesson learned. Count today as a day that you are a little wiser than you were yesterday.

It's been said "it's not the destination, but the journey." 👈truth

Welcome back Unchartedxo! 🌅

IOAA2

Hi. We find that trying is the key. Several things are suggested to start to be successful. I needed to get honest with myself about MY drinking and surrender to the fact that I could not drink in safety. PERIOD. I was told that if I didn't pick up the first drink that I would NOT have to get sober AGAIN. These suggestions worked for me and the point was also made that if jumping out of a plane it's suggested to pull the rip cord to open the parachute.

BE WELL

least

There is a way out of the cycle of despair. You have to do the tough thing and put the bottle down for good. Don't allow drinking to be an option. Take it off the table. When you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you'll be successful.

alphaomega

Hi uncharteredxo. What a great description of the cycle.

You can end it. Once and for all. Since, like me, you have proven your theory, over and over again, that drinking makes life despicable, today is the perfect day to test out another one.

Try not drinking today. Then when tomorrow comes, try not drinking.

Before you know it, the healing begins and with it comes a boatload of self respect.

Your self love lies on the other side of the bottle.

You can get there. I promise. And it's so worth it.

ScottFromWI

I was in the same cycle for years. What made the differnce for me was realizing that while I cannot control my drinking once I start, I CAN control whether I start drinking or not. It's not any easy task of course as you need support, but it is a simple choice...pick up the first drink, or don't. Once you have decided to not pick up today, you can work on everything else.

Lance40

There were so many mornings where I was right there with you. I can't count the number of times I stood in the shower in the morning feeling trapped, sad, helpless and disgusted knowing it was going to be sick, tired and hung over day and that more than likely in spite of my best intentions I would start it all over again after I got off work. It makes me sad just to think about it.

The good news is that there is hope and there is a way out. I'm glad you're posting here. Keep in touch and let us know how it's going.

By the way, what is the program or plan you use to help you be successful?

unchartedxo

I have no plan. I thought I did. and my plan, as always, started to shift... First it was don't drink at all ever... to once in a while only one... to once in a while it's ok to just feel "buzzed"...

and then this morning hits and I am hung over.

My plans aren't working. what is it you all call it, the addictive voice? the AV tells me I can have fun, everyone else is drinking for St. Patricks day, don't be so hard on yourself it's not that big of a deal... have a few more...

it's disgusting and sad.

jutam

Addictive voice wants to survive and only remembers the pleasure of alcohol... we live with the reality.... Ive woken up hundreds of mornings feeling like you....
hang in there
and don't stop trying... your husband is right.... keep going the more sober you are the less exhausting it becomes...
good luck

Anna

Your AV wants you to be a slave to alcohol. It will lie and cheat and steal until it gets what it wants. I hope you can recognize it for what it is, and not listen to it.

I can so empathize with the exhaustion you mentioned. When I finally stopped drinking, I was completely exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. It was the saddest time of my life. But, I can assure you there is hope.

alphaomega

I allowed that AV to dupe me for decades. In spite of all the times I proved it wrong. Every time really.

Every single time you give into it, it will win. Because you have crossed the line into alcoholism. You will end up exactly as you are today. Hungover, filled with remorse and self loathing. It's a zero sum game. If you ante up, you will lose.

But, if you are anything like me, you will be enticed by promises of sweet oblivion and frivolity, and you will prove your theory over and over again until you have one foot in the grave and stepping off solid ground with the other.

There is only one way to get off the merry go round....

Just step off.

ScottFromWI

You have the control and choice to make a plan though. And it's not sad, it's just life as an alcoholic...we have all been there. Make today the day you take control.

Hawk07

The man takes a drink and then the drink takes a drink.. You have control so long as you don't take that first drink... I've gone through that cycle and have tried to quit hundreds of times. I'll feel a little sad, think one drink will be ok and before I know it I wake up with a hangover from hell in the pits of despair...I hate alcohol. Never give up. I'm on day 2 now.

adee

"Exhausted and sad" is a starting point. Make a different plan. Don't drink today no matter what. Each sober day is going to give you that much distance from the despair you feel today. You feel like you can't do this - I think almost everyone felt that way at some point. I certainly didn't start my day one full of hope and confidence, I had just completely run out of options. Give sobriety everything you've got: get support - post here, go to AA, go to an addiction specialist, read sobriety related books, any or all of that. Whatever works - just choose something different than what you are doing and try again. Your husband is right: you are trying and that is something. But when you try and try and try and it doesn't work, it does not mean you aren't able to get sober, it means what you are currently doing isn't working.

Hang in there and don't drink today.

unchartedxo

I am pretty shook up about this fall in particular. I mean, I am a control freak! I control everything. AND I am sooo happy with my health and fitness... I have been eating Paleo and have lost tons of weight on it. Paleo clearly says NO BEER and I get drunk on BEER last night?!? I haven't had gluten in forever and I drink it in one night... in abundance! My body is feeling rough today.. So sad.

Kissimee54

How many times have I tried the experiment that this time will be different, only to find out that it didn't work out again.

SeaScape

hi there

I can really empathize with your sadness and emotional pain. I get so depressed and have crushing anxiety when I drink b/c a) alcohol is a depressant b) it feels bad to not accomplish a goal I have set for myself.

I started to really do the math behind my addiction: 3- 4 hours of buzz in exchange for hating myself for DAYS. It helps me gain my perspective and stay on my course.
I hope you feel better -you will with time and sobriety and you deserve to feel well!

MemphisBlues

For me it involved realizing that I just couldn't control anything to do with alcohol to begin formulating a plan of recovery.

I always prided myself in tenacity, and would reflect back on so many low points in life and how I had climbed above those pits and prevailed. But with alcohol all pets were off.

It was in a hopeless state of total lack of control that I found the beginnings of freedom from booze. It was one of those horribly sick day afters that I realized that the misery of the hangover was a blessing, that I had a moment of clarity that the only way out of the sickness was to drink to be rid of it, that I would drink again because I was an alcoholic, that despite my attempts of control I would fail miserably, that I began to gain some peace with my demon.

So I accepted that that I had no power over alcohol and in a paradoxical way that was the start of my gaining freedom. I Could never, ever, no matter what take the first drink. That was 1,249 days ago.