tippy32

I was resisting writing any of my story but I feel now if I don't ask for reassurance I'm going to cave very soon. I've been a very heavy drinker for 10-12 years maybe more. Drunk driving, fighting with my boyfriend, black out after black out, drinking continuous over days to avoid hangovers, living more days hungover than not. Being ecstatic if I woke up feeling "good". I've cried, beat myself up, denied, denied, denied. Living in Las Vegas everyone is an addict. I'm a bartender by trade. It was no big deal for all of us to be wrecked. My ex husband nearly died in a drunk driving motorcycle accident. He has brain damage and I had to watch him start over from infancy. And that didn't stop either of us from drinking. I have an amazing little girl. I beat myself up for a long time about how many things I almost missed or how much agony I was in hungover at her events. This is a 24 hour city. Happy hour can be at 7 or 8am because you worked all night long. Then it happened. I started blacking out before I got drunk. After 4 drinks in a row I completely lost my memory. My boyfriend then and now is not a heavy drinker, it was very noticeable to him that I forgot many important things. After a series of very bad events I decided to quit last year, just until I could drink to get my memory back and save my relationship. It lasted 2 weeks. I still can not retain memory if I accidentally drink too much. Approx 4 drinks. This really makes drinking awful and not enjoyable. So I cut back. Severely. Up to 4 drinks every night spaced out as much as I could tolerate. I went the entire year with just a handful or more of accidental mild hangovers. I got an amazing bartending job at a wonderful high end casino. I can't and won't drink at work and I won't dare try to work with a hangover. I love my job. But because I've cut back. Because I'm not hungover everyday, because I feel worse instead if better.... More tired, more depressed, irritable and restless. Because I love wine so much I almost spent thousands of dollars to become a sommelier... I keep trying very, very hard to talk myself into drinking. I don't like getting or being drunk anymore. But I can't imagine a good dinner without wine, an occasional margarita.... The only thing that brought me here this time was I had to have a blood test where they had to test my liver. Assuming I've been so much better, just a few slips, this really shined a light on my truth. I've spent so many years drinking so much alcohol that I may have seriously damaged my body. The doctor didn't say I was in bad shape. But the fear and shame and realization is there regardless. No matter how good I am now, I can't undo what I did in the past, but maybe I can repair some if the damage. I want so badly to think I'll be able to drink just one or two once in awhile. But I know deep down that I can't. But I'm doing my best nearly every spare moment of every day to not cave. Please encourage me.... I'm only on day 11..... If I give in, I won't be right back

malcolmsloan

Tippy, I worked at a bar for many years, and I truly understand. It sounds like you have made the right decision, not drinking. I'm no long-term vet of sobriety,but I do know that the cravings get easier to manage. Don't worry about the future. Just stay sober today. You can do it.

Ruby2

Ditto what Malcolm said. One day at a time for now. You can do it.

Imabuleva

I can't really say much because alcohol is my demon too. Hang in there and just take one day at a time.

Aarryckha

So many things you said hit so close to home for me.

You've come this far! Don't give in now! Things will only get better!

/hugs

*edit I can't even imagine working in a bar and having to deal with trying to be sober. You are so much stronger than you think. Please don't give in now.

Dee74

Hi Tippy

I think working in a bar is a really hard thing to do - even if you don't drink there you're constantly exposed to it...and it's generally the edited highlights...

I couldn't do it as a gigging musician....I still remember looking over the crowd from the stage - damn it looked like some of those people were having fun.

Of course I was salivating and only saw the good bits - I looked past the sickness, the fights, the embarrassments and what ever happened after the bar.

so it's hard yeah - but I've known a small group of dedicated souls who've done it.

I think, if you don't want to change your job, you're going to need rock solid support to back up a rock solid commitment - maybe even a little more than this site can provide.

Have you considered AA or some other kind of face to face recovery support at all?

D

Forghetti35

Im a 15 year bartender/bar mgr. After my most recent DWI I decided to leave the industry. For me it wasn't healthy. The hours, temptation, and ppl I worked with all created an environment making my 10-15 years of alcohlism impossible to control. Luckily I was arrested and spent 18 days in jail before my family posted bond. Without this I'd still be drinking myself on the verge of death nightly. If you truly are an alcoholic I would advise you quit bartending. I know it sounds tough, I was a lifer, but I don't know if there is another plan. Good luck & welcome!

PS- Are you in Vegas? I was sober for almost a year in 2011, and relapsed in Vegas. That has to be tough. I nearly ruined my life since

tippy32

Working at the bar doesn't seem to trigger me. It's a very nice high end gaming bar. When they're are people at my bar drunk it doesn't intrigue me in the least bit. I don't hang out with co workers etc. if I would've taken the sommelier job then yes I would've been in a lot of trouble. But I'm not going to stumble across another job making over $70,000 a year with no qualifications. I'm going to study a few things for in the future. But I have 401k and full benefits and I have an 8 year old daughter. My ex husband is in our home state living with his parents because of his injuries 4 years ago. Leaving my job is not a choice. But it doesn't seem to be a trigger either. It's the time at home that's hard. And it's definitely anytime I go to eat out. I just need to convince myself I have no other choice but to quit. My struggle is I keep trying to convince myself I have everything under control because I've done so much better over the last year thank u all so much for replying. I'm waking up now so I feel my best.... But I'll be sure to re read this many times later in the day when I'm struggling and needing support.... Thank u

tippy32

Yes Vegas is a difficult city full of triggers. Thankfully I don't go out much since I now have my daughter all the time. Otherwise idk how I'd be able to cope. That might be what got me last time when I still had shared custody....

Aarryckha

I can relate to being at home being a trigger. I had a boyfriend I was with for six years and he left in May. It's really hard to come home to an empty house especially on the weekends.

Maybe just try to get through today and make it a rule to not bring alcohol into the house.

MnEman

Hi Tippy32, we have about the same number of days, stick with it, I'm going to make 2 weeks tomorrow, and you can too. Not wanting to get drunk anymore, yet still trying to talk yourself into drinking...Hmmm. Sounds like you were trying controlled drinking. 4 a night was about my limit too, especially if had to get up in the morning, but I still felt terrible most days. It was really affecting my sleep. My brother is a heavy drinker, and when I told him he was doing controlled drinking, he replied "its better than un-controlled drinking" I suppose it is, but it isn't better than contented sobriety. If you have not tried it yet, I highly recommend trying AA. It isn't for everyone, but you will meet some great people who are there to help, and it will get you into some new routines.

post back and let us know how you are doing.

Eric

Aiko

Dear ttipy

You need extra help maybe AA or any other...
And find positive things to do to fill the free time you have!!!

I think ypu should forget about being a somelier!!!
If you are alergic to prawns... You would not eat them!
You have to accept your problem & limitations...

Your life will improbe by sober day!
Be patience!
Might have a bad day and the AV will try to drag you!
Do not let it win and bitter your life!

You can actualy have a free life and enjoy dinners without wine!
I do go out and laugh without wine!
Be strong and you will get through!
It is worth it!

Best wishes on your recovery

KateL

Hi Tippy, I agree with what Malcolm says. Don't cave in, keep pushing forward xxxxxx